Omega Owners Forum
Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: Mr Skrunts on 21 May 2008, 02:09:12
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The Evils of Water Skiing
A preacher became frustrated that a large part of his congregation was going water skiing on Sunday, rather than coming to church, so he said to his wife, “This Sunday, I’m going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sunday.”
“What!” she exclaimed. “That’s a silly thing to preach about!”
“I don’t think so,” he said, “it’s a problem we need to address.”
The next Sunday as they were driving to church, the wife asks the preacher what he was going to preach about.
“I already told you,” he said, “I’m going to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays.”
“That’s idiotic!” the wife says. “First of all, it’s a stupid sermon topic, and second, the people who need to hear it won’t be at church!
Why don’t you preach about sex or something people are interested in?”
“Nope. The Lord wants me to preach about the evils of water skiing on Sundays, and that’s what I’m going to preach about” he said firmly.
The wife says, “Well, I’m not going to sit through a stupid sermon like that. I’m going to stay in the car. You can tell the congregation I’m sick or something.” And she stayed in the car.
As the preacher was walking from the car to his study at the church, he started thinking his wife might be right, and he changed his mind and gave a brilliant sermon on the proper role of sex in modern society.
When the service was over, one of the parishioners stopped by the preacher’s car and said to the pastor’s wife, “I’m sorry you’re not feeling well this morning. Your husband gave the finest sermon today that he’s ever given since coming to this parish.”
“I don’t know why he thinks he’s such an expert on the subject,” the wife snapped.
“He’s only tried it twice, and he fell off both times.”
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Sex Frogs for Sale
A beautiful blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks around the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs for Sale! Only $10 each! Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions!
The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s looking and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” The man packaged the frog and said, “Please follow the instructions carefully.”
The blonde nods in agreement, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she takes out the instructions and reads them very carefully, doing exactly what it says to do:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into some sexy lingerie.
4. Get into bed and position the frog in place.
The blonde quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise and disappointment, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom it says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.” So she calls the pet store.
The pet store owner says, “I had some complaints earlier today. I’ll be right over.”
Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn frog just sits there.”
The pet store owner, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”
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Ice Cream
A middle aged wife had just returned to the house on a Sunday afternoon after her shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been extremely rude.
It seems she was sitting down while he was helping her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any panties under her dress.
Without even thinking, the salesman blurted out, “If that thing was full of ice cream, I’d eat every bite.”
Well, the woman was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.
The husband just sat there, watching the football game on TV, and shrugged his shoulders. The wife became furious, and insisted on knowing why he didn’t go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman to defend her honor.
“Well”, the husband replied, “There are three reasons I won’t get in a fight with that guy. First of all, you shouldn’t have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole closet full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no panties on. But most of all, I’m not going to fight anyone who’s big enough to eat that much ice cream!”
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Putting It In
A married man went to confession and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another married woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
The man said, “Well, we got naked and rubbed our bodies together, but then we stopped.”
The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the donation box.”
The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the donation box.
He paused for a second and then started to leave.
The priest quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the donation box!”
The man replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in.”
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Age Difference
At 90 years of age, Henry marries Lisa, a lovely 25 year old woman. Because her new husband is so old, Lisa decides that on their wedding night, she and Henry are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together having sex.
After the wedding and reception are over, Lisa prepares herself for bed, and for the expected visit from her new husband. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well. Henry goes back to his room and Lisa prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lisa hears another knock on the bedroom door. Henry’s ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, Lisa consents to further love making. When the newlyweds are done, Henry kisses Lisa, bids her good night, and leaves.
Lisa is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Henry, as fresh as a 25 year old stud and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.
As Henry is once again set to leave, his young bride says to him, “I am thoroughly impressed that you’re able to go at it all night at your age, honey. I’ve been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You’re a great lover, Henry.”
Henry, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lisa and says, “You mean I was here already?”
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One Shot
A man goes to a gun shop for a scope for his rifle. The shop owner takes out one, points out the window and says, “this baby is so good, you can see right into my house on that hill way over there.”
The man looks throught the scope into the house and starts laughing.
“Whats so funny?” asks the shop owner.
“Well I see a naked man chasing a naked woman around your house,” replies the customer.
Grabbing the scope back, the shop owner quickly eyes through the sight and sure enough, there is his wife, buck naked being hotly pursued by an excited young man.
Furious, the shop owner says to the man,”if I give you two bullets will you blow my wife’s head off with one and shoot the man’s dick off with the other? I’ll give you the scope for free if you do.”
“Okay,” the man says as he takes out his rifle and attaches the sight. Taking a quick look through the scope before loading, he hands one bullet back.
“You know what?” he says. “I think I can do this with just one shot.”
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Blonde Rents a Skin Flick
A blonde named Shelly decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn’t done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there’s nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Shelly: “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape but static.”
Clerk: “Sorry about that. We’ve had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?”
Shelly: “Head Cleaner.”
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The Nudist Colony
A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, “Did you call for me?”
The man replies “No, what do you mean?”
She says, “You must be new here. Let me explain. It’s a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me.”
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
The man continues to explore the colony’s facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, “Did you call for me?” says the hairy man.
“No, what do you mean?” says the newcomer.
“You must be new,” says the hairy man, “it’s a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.”
The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist.
“May I help you?” she says.
The man yells, “Here’s my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 fee.”
“But sir,” she replies, “you’ve only been here for a few hours. You haven’t had the chance to see all our facilities.”
The man replies, “Listen lady, I’m 68 years old, I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I’m outta here!
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Switch Hands
A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
“I have some good news and some bad news.” says the surgeon. “The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
“Oh god no!” cries the man. “My career is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”
“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm! I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant”
“Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”
The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.
“Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
“Just great” says the business man. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”
“That’s great.” said the surgeon.
“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors”
“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a success.”
“Well there is one problem,” said the golfer, “every time I try to jerk off I get a headache!”
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Men Never Listen
On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said,” You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn’t resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men’s restrooms don’t have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water,gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
“What happened?” he exclaimed.
“You pushed one too many buttons,” replied the nurse.
“The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”
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More Joke's Tomorrow Folk's.
That's of course if you want me to carry on posting them?
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;D ;D ;D
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funny ;D ;D ;D
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;D Hahaha.....love`em! :y
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All very good but i like the first joke ;D ;D ;D ;D
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loved them! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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That's the same as putting it in! [smiley=2vrolijk_08.gif]
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More Joke's Tomorrow Folk's.
That's of course if you want me to carry on posting them?
:y :yOh yes :y :y
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Sinking the Putt
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
“Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”
Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, “Sure,” and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.”
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”
Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.” And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”
“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.”
“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”
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brillant! ;D :y