Omega Owners Forum
Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: CaptainZok on 03 December 2006, 20:51:23
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A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says 'this is the pig i have to f*** when you're not up for sex' .
His wife says 'i think you'll find thats a sheep' .
He says ' i think you'll find i was talking to the sheep'!
;D
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And another
Paddy on millionaire,Chris says"for £200 who was the great train robber?
a.Ronnie Corbett, b.Ronnie Barker, c.Ronnie Wood, or d.Ronnie Biggs?
Paddy says "I've had a great day so i'll take the cash"
Chris says"But you've still got 3 lives your not that thick are you?"
Paddy says"I might be thick,but I'm not a bloody grass."
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Quality both of em :y
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Yep like em too.....well done Captain :y
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Just dug em off my phone thought you would appreciate em ;D
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PMSL ;D ;D ;D Even SWMBO raised a titter :o
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I just looked thro my mobile and this is the only one that maybe allowed..... :-/
A farmer said to his wife. If you had bigger tits we could rid of the cow. She said if you had a bigger dick we could get rid of the tractor driver! ;D
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LOL yeah I've had that problem too had to clean those up a bit before posting.
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A family are driving behind a dustcart when a dildo flies out and hits their windscreen. Embarrassed, the mother says "That was a big insect", to which one of the kids replies "I'm surprised it could even fly with a c*ck that size".
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A farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says 'this is the pig i have to f*** when you're not up for sex' .
His wife says 'i think you'll find thats a sheep' .
He says ' i think you'll find i was talking to the sheep'!
;D
;D :y
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And another
Paddy on millionaire,Chris says"for £200 who was the great train robber?
a.Ronnie Corbett, b.Ronnie Barker, c.Ronnie Wood, or d.Ronnie Biggs?
Paddy says "I've had a great day so i'll take the cash"
Chris says"But you've still got 3 lives your not that thick are you?"
Paddy says"I might be thick,but I'm not a bloody grass."
;D :y
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Based on statistics the most used sexual position among married couples is doggystyle; the husband sits & begs while the wife roles over & plays dead.
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This guy gets lost and drives straight through the centre of a small unfamiliar village, only to find his way blocked by a funeral procession. Behind the coffin an elderly mans walks silently dressed in black, followed by a very long line of men all walking slowly and silently. The guy thinks this must have been a very important person with all those people attending the funeral. So he reels down his window and calls out to the men behind the coffin:
- ‘Excuse me Sir, can you tell me who’s funeral this is?’
- It’s my wife’ came the reply.
- ‘And what happened to her, if I may ask?' continues the guy.
- ‘Well she got bitten by our pet dog and died’.
Quickly taking this new information in the guy says:
- ‘Sorry to trouble you on this difficult day, but when the funeral is over could I possibly borrow your dog?’
- ‘Sure thing’ came the reply, ‘just join the queue…’
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[size=16]Keep them clean and politically correct please[/size]
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[size=16]Keep them clean and politically correct please[/size]
OK, got your point, you can take mine off then.... :(
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[size=16]Keep them clean and politically correct please[/size]
Thats killed that thread then :D
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[size=16]Keep them clean and politically correct please[/size]
Guess the one i pm'd you about isnt allowed then :'( :'(
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I just looked thro my mobile and this is the only one that maybe allowed..... :-/
A farmer said to his wife. If you had bigger tits we could rid of the cow. She said if you had a bigger dick we could get rid of the tractor driver! ;D
I don't think Rogerreno will like that one >:(
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I just looked thro my mobile and this is the only one that maybe allowed..... :-/
A farmer said to his wife. If you had bigger tits we could rid of the cow. She said if you had a bigger dick we could get rid of the tractor driver! ;D
I don't think Rogerreno will like that one >:(
Why? it sounds like a complement to me. ;D
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Try this:
A fat, hairy woman walks into a bar, raises her arm and asks 'Who's gonna buy a lady a drink then?'
'Give the ballerina a drink' says a drunk old man at the end of the bar.
She necks it down, raises her arm and asks again 'Who's gonna buy a lady a drink then?'
Get the ballerina another drink' answers the drunk.
The barman does as he's asked but then asks the drunk why he keeps calling her a ballerina.......
Any woman who can lift her leg that high, deserves a drink!
It's the cleanest I had.
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Try this:
A fat, hairy woman walks into a bar, raises her arm and asks 'Who's gonna buy a lady a drink then?'
'Give the ballerina a drink' says a drunk old man at the end of the bar.
She necks it down, raises her arm and asks again 'Who's gonna buy a lady a drink then?'
Get the ballerina another drink' answers the drunk.
The barman does as he's asked but then asks the drunk why he keeps calling her a ballerina.......
Any woman who can lift her leg that high, deserves a drink!
It's the cleanest I had.
Far too clean! ;D AA's spoiled it now
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I just looked thro my mobile and this is the only one that maybe allowed..... :-/
A farmer said to his wife. If you had bigger tits we could rid of the cow. She said if you had a bigger dick we could get rid of the tractor driver! ;D
I don't think Rogerreno will like that one >:(
Only a joke m8....sorry if it offended anyone :y
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After no dates or sex for 5 years a woman goes to see chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
He says 'Rake of all ror crose, gret down on floor & craw reery reery fas to odderside of room'
So she does.
'Ok craw reery reery fas bac'
As she did Dr shook his head.
'Problem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachery disease I ever c, dat why u get no date'
She says ' God what's Ed Zachery disease?'
Doctor says 'It's where your face looks Ed Zachery like your arce'
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After no dates or sex for 5 years a woman goes to see chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
He says 'Rake of all ror crose, gret down on floor & craw reery reery fas to odderside of room'
So she does.
'Ok craw reery reery fas bac'
As she did Dr shook his head.
'Problem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachery disease I ever c, dat why u get no date'
She says ' God what's Ed Zachery disease?'
Doctor says 'It's where your face looks Ed Zachery like your arce'
;D ;D ;D :y
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After no dates or sex for 5 years a woman goes to see chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
He says 'Rake of all ror crose, gret down on floor & craw reery reery fas to odderside of room'
So she does.
'Ok craw reery reery fas bac'
As she did Dr shook his head.
'Problem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachery disease I ever c, dat why u get no date'
She says ' God what's Ed Zachery disease?'
Doctor says 'It's where your face looks Ed Zachery like your arce'
;D ;D ;D :y
Happy to help :y
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a clean and politically correct joke wouldn't really be a joke now would it. :P
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a clean and politically correct joke wouldn't really be a joke now would it. :P
Sad but true! :(
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After no dates or sex for 5 years a woman goes to see chinese sex therapist, Dr Chang.
He says 'Rake of all ror crose, gret down on floor & craw reery reery fas to odderside of room'
So she does.
'Ok craw reery reery fas bac'
As she did Dr shook his head.
'Problem vewy vewy bad, worse case Ed Zachery disease I ever c, dat why u get no date'
She says ' God what's Ed Zachery disease?'
Doctor says 'It's where your face looks Ed Zachery like your arce'
Like it ;D ;D ;D
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All of them very good
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I like this one hope its not to rude or offends any one :y
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
It's quite ok," replied the snake." Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
"Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you've a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."
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"Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you've a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."
Excellent!! 8-)
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I just looked thro my mobile and this is the only one that maybe allowed..... :-/
A farmer said to his wife. If you had bigger tits we could rid of the cow. She said if you had a bigger dick we could get rid of the tractor driver! ;D
I don't think Rogerreno will like that one >:(
LMAO!!!! yeah.. he didn't get 1 and i'm still servicing the farmers wife (just don't tell the missus ;D )
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A zookeeper says to Paddy "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with her. Would you consider shagging her for £500?"
Paddy replies "I will,but on 3 conditions"...
"Firstly, I don't kiss her"
"Secondly, My family will never find out"
"And Thirdly,.....Can you give me a couple of weeks to get the money together?" ;D ;D ;D
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A zookeeper says to Paddy "The gorilla is on heat and we need someone to have sex with her. Would you consider shagging her for £500?"
Paddy replies "I will,but on 3 conditions"...
"Firstly, I don't kiss her"
"Secondly, My family will never find out"
"And Thirdly, Can you give me a couple of weeks to get the money together?"
;D ;D ;D ;D
Why not introduce the gorilla to your friend the farmers wife :D
Edit - Oh no that wouldn't work, would it. :-[
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Even the thread's got a sense of humour - look at the size of that box! It wern't me guvnor - honest :-/
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Even the thread's got a sense of humour - look at the size of that box! It wern't me guvnor - honest :-/
LMAO!!! ok officer....it was me!!! I'm the guilty party!! think that was when the cat trod on my enter key after he announced that he was hungry ;D
I've rectified it now.... ;)
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Even the thread's got a sense of humour - look at the size of that box! It wern't me guvnor - honest :-/
LMAO!!! ok officer....it was me!!! I'm the guilty party!! think that was when the cat trod on my enter key after he announced that he was hungry ;D
I've rectified it now.... ;)
:y :y What can I say? :-X ;D ;D
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I like this one hope its not to rude or offends any one :y
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
It's quite ok," replied the snake." Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
"Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you've a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."
Or french....