Omega Owners Forum
Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: PhilRich on 26 September 2010, 13:52:23
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A man gets on the bus with both his trouser pockets bulging with golf balls, and the only empty seat is next to...you've guessed it, a beautiful blonde woman.
The puzzled blonde keeps looking down at the bulges in the front of his trousers, & finally feeling irritated, the man says, "It's golf balls".
"Oh, ok!", says the blonde, but she keeps on looking thoughtfully at his crotch, until finally she can't contain herself any longer and she says, "Is it as painful as Tennis Elbow?"
:y
A man & his wife have just gone to bed & settled down for the night when the wife feels her husbands hand on her shoulder & he starts to slowly rub her arm.
"I'm sorry Honey", she says "but i've got an appointment with the Gynecologist tomorrow morning & I want to stay fresh for the examination".
The Husband turns over, rejected.
After a few minutes, the wife feels a tap on her shoulder.
"What is it this time sweetheart?", she says.
So the husband whispers in her ear, "You don't have an appointment with your Dentist tomorrow do you?"
;D
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Phew! These have been posted before and I've had a chance to get over the disappointment in advance ;D ;D
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Right!!, lets see if I can make your facial muscles twitch with this one :-/
Bloke in a Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Omega at the lights. Both windows are open so he shouts to the Omega driver, "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"
"Yes of course I have", says the Omega driver. "I've got one as well", says the Granada owner, "here it is look, good innit?"
"Oh, er, yes it is!, says the Omega guy.
"So, you got a fax in that Omega then?", says Mr. Granada.
"Yes I have actually"
"Yeah, me as well mate, have a look at this, neat or what?"
After a quiet pause the Granada driver shouts, "Ere mate, you gotta double bed in the back of yours?"
The Omega owner turns to him & says, "No, have you?"
"Not arf mate", says Granada, "here have gander at it".
Just then the lights change to green & the Granada goes on its way.
Not to be outdone, the Omega owner takes his car into a Custom Car place & orders a double bed to fitted with all the bells & whistles and an LCD television built into the footboard. A couple of days later the job's done & he drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked up in Tescos & pulls the Omega alongside. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and the car is gently rocking on its suspension, so he is a bit apprehensive as he taps on the nearest window. The bloke in the Granada lowers the window a crack & peeks out of the gap. "Hey, remember me?" says Omega man, "
Yeah, yeah I remember you, what's up?"
" Check this out, i've got a double bed in the back of my Omega that'll knock your socks off!"
And the bloke in the Granada says..................................................................
"You got me out of the shower just to tell me that!"
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
That's more like it!
Good 'un Phil :y
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Whoa,jonny. You enjoyed that far too much mate, this one should redress the balance ::)
A frog walks into the Bank & walking up to the Teller, he notices her name is Patty Whack. That's a strange name for a young lass he thinks, as he looks her in the eye & pleads, "I really need a loan, I am out of work, I have a wife tadpoles at home who are starving and I need money to feed and provide for them.
Now young Patty feels really sorry for the frog & asks him if he has any Collateral against a loan?
The frog rummages in his pocket & pulls out a little glass elephant & offers it to the bemused Patty, who takes it to her Manager.
Excuse me Sir, she says. There's a frog out there who is desperate for a loan to feed his starving wife and tadpoles but all he has as Collateral is this small glass elephant. What should I do?
Well, the Manager takes a long look at the little glass elephant & after thinking about it for a bit says,
It's a Knick Knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan!
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A man gets on the bus with both his trouser pockets bulging with golf balls, and the only empty seat is next to...you've guessed it, a beautiful blonde woman.
The puzzled blonde keeps looking down at the bulges in the front of his trousers, & finally feeling irritated, the man says, "It's golf balls".
"Oh, ok!", says the blonde, but she keeps on looking thoughtfully at his crotch, until finally she can't contain herself any longer and she says, "Is it as painful as Tennis Elbow?"
:y
That was absolutely hilarious - not. :(
There's a condition called Golfer's Elbow, which I'd never heard of until last Tuesday, when the doctor told me I was suffering from it. Tennis Elbow is where it hurts on the outside part of your arm, Golfer's Elbow hurts on the inside part. And all down your forearm. And gives you pins and needles in your hand. :( :(
It wouldn't be quite so annoying if I still played golf, but I had to give that up a few years ago because of the arthritis in my shoulder. :( :( :(
Liked the Frog joke. ;D ;D ;D
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I'm sorry to hear you are having health issues Jereboam :(
Glad one the funnies gave you a bit of cheer :y ;D
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Whoa,jonny. You enjoyed that far too much mate, this one should redress the balance ::)
A frog walks into the Bank & walking up to the Teller, he notices her name is Patty Whack. That's a strange name for a young lass he thinks, as he looks her in the eye & pleads, "I really need a loan, I am out of work, I have a wife tadpoles at home who are starving and I need money to feed and provide for them.
Now young Patty feels really sorry for the frog & asks him if he has any Collateral against a loan?
The frog rummages in his pocket & pulls out a little glass elephant & offers it to the bemused Patty, who takes it to her Manager.
Excuse me Sir, she says. There's a frog out there who is desperate for a loan to feed his starving wife and tadpoles but all he has as Collateral is this small glass elephant. What should I do?
Well, the Manager takes a long look at the little glass elephant & after thinking about it for a bit says,
It's a Knick Knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan!
;D ;D Splendid ;D ;D :y
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A musician who's spent his whole life trying to break it into the big
time is feeling very depressed. He's been turned down by every single
record company in the country, and no one seems to recognize his
unique genius other than his Mum.So he decides to top himself, and
dreams up an ingenious plan to get back at all the institutions
who've rejected him all his life.He goes into a recording studio and
tells the engineer to record exactly what he says, and then copy it
onto 1000 CDs, and send them out to all the record execs in the
country.
He goes into the vocal booth, the red light goes on, and he
begins,"This is a message to all you sycophantic, talentless bastards
who've ignored me all these years. I dedicated my life to writing
beautiful, emotive, soul-touching music, and all you self-abusers do is
bin my tapes and sign pretty-boy bands and the Spice Girls. Well,
I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's YOU
who've driven me to it!! Bye-bye, murderers of Art!!"
With that, he pulls out a gun and sprays his brains all over the
studio wall. The sound engineer glances up and says, "Yep...okay -
that's fine for level. Wanna go for a take?"
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1.What do you call a Chav in a box?
Innit.
2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?
Sorted.
3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?
Safe.
4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?
Innuinnit.
5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?
They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of
stairs.
6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?
The bride.
7. If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?
It might be your bike.
8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?
One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.
9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?
"What you lookin' at?"
10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?
Paint three stripes on it.
11. 2 Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?
The police.
12. Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?
Up the gary!
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between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's
shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."
Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where
he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson
whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be
in? We haven't got any money!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued
this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more
o'this. Me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
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A musician who's spent his whole life trying to break it into the big
time is feeling very depressed. He's been turned down by every single
record company in the country, and no one seems to recognize his
unique genius other than his Mum.So he decides to top himself, and
dreams up an ingenious plan to get back at all the institutions
who've rejected him all his life.He goes into a recording studio and
tells the engineer to record exactly what he says, and then copy it
onto 1000 CDs, and send them out to all the record execs in the
country.
He goes into the vocal booth, the red light goes on, and he
begins,"This is a message to all you sycophantic, talentless blanks
who've ignored me all these years. I dedicated my life to writing
beautiful, emotive, soul-touching music, and all you self-abusers do is
bin my tapes and sign pretty-boy bands and the Spice Girls. Well,
I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's YOU
who've driven me to it!! Bye-bye, murderers of Art!!"
With that, he pulls out a gun and sprays his brains all over the
studio wall. The sound engineer glances up and says, "Yep...okay -
that's fine for level. Wanna go for a take?"
;D ;D ;D ;D ROFL ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
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between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's
shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."
Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where
he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson
whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be
in? We haven't got any money!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued
this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more
o'this. Me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
;D
excellent!
Mother Superior and a novice nun driving a car though a long dark country lane in the dead of night. Suddenly a vampire jumps onto the car bonnet. The novice nun panics " Mother Superior! its a vampire! what should I do?"
Mother Superior shouts " Show him your cross! show him your cross!", so the nun goes " Oi! Dickhead! f##king get off my f##king car!".
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A car battery, a jumper cable and a bra walk into a pub. The bra asks the barman for 3 pints of beer.
The barman says “No way am I serving any alcohol to you three”.
“Why not?” asks the bra.
“Because you’re off your tits, and your friends look like they wanna start something!”
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A depressed young Paisley woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Clyde. When she went down the docks,a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her.
"Look, you've got a lot to live for", he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day". Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose?
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.
Three weeks later during a routine search, the captain discovered her. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors", she explained. "He's taking me to America, and he's feeding me".
"What are you doing for him?" said the captain.
"He's screwing me" said the girl.
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Govan ferry".
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between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's
shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."
Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where
he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson
whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be
in? We haven't got any money!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued
this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more
o'this. Me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
It's a cracker ;D ;D ;D ;D
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A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring"
he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you
want.
Whatchou want?" he asks, trying to sound experienced.
He hopes this will impress his virginbride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsurely, "I want......numba 69."
Now he is caught up in thoughtful silence. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he asks,
"You want.......Beef wif Broccori
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A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring"
he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you
want.
Whatchou want?" he asks, trying to sound experienced.
He hopes this will impress his virginbride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsurely, "I want......numba 69."
Now he is caught up in thoughtful silence. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he asks,
"You want.......Beef wif Broccori
HarHarHar ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ROFLMHO ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y
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My favourite one was the time someone complained that their computer system wouldn't work.
I investigated and found that the system-unit, the
monitor and modem were all plugged into one of these four-way trailing power-strips under the desk.
So far so good - except the fourth outlet on the strip also had something plugged into it.
It was the power-plug for the 4-way outlet-strip!
Me? I'm the one with an uninterruptable power-supply feeding the coffee-percolator
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A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring"
he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you
want.
Whatchou want?" he asks, trying to sound experienced.
He hopes this will impress his virginbride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsurely, "I want......numba 69."
Now he is caught up in thoughtful silence. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he asks,
"You want.......Beef wif Broccori
Absolutely Classic. PMSL.
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A Chavette single mother goes to claim her benefits and tells the council worker she's six sons, all called Kev.
"Doesn't that get confusing?" asks the official.
"Nah, it's great", says the Chavette."If I wanna call em down to dinner, I just yell Kev and they all come runnin at once."
"But what do you do if you want only one of them?" asks the bemused official.
"Thats easy, innit?" replies the Chavette. "I just call 'em by their surnames."
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A rich white man in Darwin (Northern Territory) decided that He wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood (as opposed to the only gay in the village). He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "Nah, you right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet." "How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"
Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*nt who pushed me in the pool
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A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned" Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong on you son.. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned" Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong on you son.. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
LMAO ;D ;D ;D ;D :y,the rest are pretty good as well :y
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Malcolm O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!’ That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
Malcolm said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.''Oh, that is very nice indeed, Malcolm!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of Malcolm's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, ' Mal won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.
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12 yr old girl from Coventry writes a letter to Jeremy Kyle...
Dear Jeremy,
I'm the only girl in my class that isn't pregnant.
I'd like to appear on your show to find out if it's me or my brother that's
infertile..........
----
The Mrs just came into the living room wearing a little pvc number,
fishnets and high heels.
She handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she
comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'.
I can't wait.
I f*ckin love Shepherd's Pie.
-----
2 great white sharks swimming around when they spy survivors of a
shipwreck bobbing about.
'Follow me Son' said Daddy shark to his boy as they swam towards the
survivors, 'first we swim round them with our fin tips showing' and they
did.
'Next we swim round them with our whole fin showing' and they did.
'Now we eat them' and they did......when they had fed, Son said 'why
didn't we just eat them Dad, they were delicious, why swim round them?'
His wise Dad said 'cos they taste much better without the s*it
inside':-)
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Good ones there kevin ;D ;D :y
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Nearly spat my tea out............................
Nice one(s)!
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Nearly spat my tea out............................
Nice one(s)!
You not meant to spit your tea out but drink it , I'll have to get you a big bib ;D
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Sorry, MUMMY!
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You'll be sorry ;D
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Your all gone quiet :o
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A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second
one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary
man walking with a black dog.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man
couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the
dog,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you
walking in single line.
Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."
What happened to her?" !
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired
further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog attacked and killed her also."
A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the
first one asks in excitement
"Can I borrow the dog?"
The man replied "Join the queue.
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An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a
young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks
how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
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SENILITY
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm
getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you
forget to zip down."
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How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins...
Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red...
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower..
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.
I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!
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Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be ****ed if he needed glasses".
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Good one ;D ;D :y
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What do you call a fly with no wings ?
A Walk.
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An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If
I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off
this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, spam again! If I get a spam
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the spam and jumped to his death as
well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given
it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
-
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the motorway for
a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing
through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and
opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of
the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and
pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined
it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday
the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an
excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says,
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying
to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
-
There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "Can I help you?"
The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins."
The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!
The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!" So the duck walked out again and left.
He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again! The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."The duck said, "ok", and left.
The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?" The bartender replied, "No!"
The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?"
-
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of a Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he noticed the
size of his manhood.
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to
be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be
saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the
dead man's private bit. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it
home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened
up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
-
Excellent ;D ;D ;D
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Brillant ;D ;D :y
-
The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
-
A blind bloke is doing a parachute jump for charity. The local radio sends a reporter to interview him. he asks him about preparing for the jump "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" asks the reporter.
"well when I'm a few feet off the ground I brace myself for impact"
"Sorry, erm but how do you know when you're a few feet off the ground?"
"Easy, the lead goes slack...."
-
Good one ;D ;D ;D :y
-
Two blondes decided to rob a bank together.
The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with
the second blonde, Buffy, in great detail. The robbery begins. Judy
drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffy, "I
want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are
supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three
minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Buffy.
Buffy goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.
One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . Seven minutes
pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffy. She's got
a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the
time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst
open again with the armed security guard coming out.
The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he
is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You
are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffy said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up
the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"
-
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
-
Becky and Sally Ann were two blondes doing carpentry work on a house.
Becky, who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"
Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."
Sally Ann sighed and shook her head, "Becky, those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
-
Locker Room Cell Phone Conversation
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2011 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
-
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?"
The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."
-
Three Nuns die in a car crash and go to see St Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St Peter says, "Before you may enter heaven, you must confess any sins."
Sister Mary steps forward and says, "Forgive me, but I once saw a man's penis."
"Very well. You must now wash your eyes in this bowl of holy water, and you can then enter," explained St Peter.
All of a sudden Sister Ann pushes past Sister Jane, to get to the front. "What's going on here?" bellows St Peter.
Sister Ann replies, "I want to wash me gob out before she sticks her bum in it!"
-
JOKE OVERLOAD!!
Excellent though ;D ;D ;D
-
yeah brilliant ;D ;D :y
-
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion..
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused painkiller during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.