Omega Owners Forum
Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: Del Boy on 22 December 2010, 11:43:38
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Right guys and ladies, you may remember I split up with the mrs earlier this year due to her running off with someone pretty much the same age as our eldest son, my eldest took it in his stride, yeah he was angry and wound up, but didn't let it get him down which I was proud of him for. Now my 16 year old boy had basically struggled along living with her for a few months, story goes basically my boy was staying there she had the new boyfriend now and said to my boy if you don't like it go and stay with your Dad (Me).
Anyway he stayed at home, she was kissing cuddling all in front of my boy and his mate, anyway my son naturally kicked off, never touched her just wanted the smack the boy really, anyway she burst in my sons room smacked him round the face and there was a bit of pushing and shoving going on you get the jist. She then rang the police on her own son (yes it's unbelievable I know), then said he came in her room hit her etc etc, he got arrested banged up for a night or out 11 o'clock the next morning, anyway they got a statement off his mate and confirmed the fact his mother totally lied and got him arrested because she's a lot of things. Anyway I moved him straight in with me after that, despite the lack of room.
Anyway I tried to keep them in contact because she is his mum at the end of the day. Then they had another big fallout in September after she got me arrested for hitting her, yet again this was a load of bullshit and witness statements and my son being there at the time showed again she hit someone rang the police and told a complete pack of lies.
Anyway back to the main point here, my 16 year old hasn't been right since all of this kicked off, it was in May so right at the time when he was doing his exams, he did ok but understandably not as well as he could've. He's been with me and he really is a very angry young man, anyway got a text from his mum today after not speaking to her for 3 months albeit she has tried to make contact since then and hebhas ignored her. I said to him today make the effort back she is trying she said meet up the town, my boy said over the park, basically she said no, she didn't want me there and town was the place to meet. He said no I've told you where etc and my Dad (me) will be there regardless she said you make the effort, he said I've made the effort if you don't want too meet I'm not really bothered. Meanwhile we arrive at Tescos my son goes to the toilet while I had a quick look around.
Whilst leaving the toilet a bloke copped him in a already bad mood and said "well done for washing your hands mate your filthy" being brutally honest he usually does, but stressed out etc he wasn't bothered, anyway he said to me he though I'd just wall off but I couldn't. Anyway gave the bloke a load of mouth and told him to shut up or you'll get a smack pretty much, the bloke did then shut up and left my boy to carry on. Then my boy told me this story which pissed me off with the fella, but with Tescos today being covered in police for some reason I left it, my son though couldn't followed him out into the car park, but luckily I grabbed him before he did anything, then he flipped, punching trees (cut his hand up) kicking trollys around and just generally going mental, this wound me up as the last thing I want is him arrested over Christmas. Anyway we get in the car and he starts crying his eyes out, I get him to ring his mum, she basically says I don't want advice from you, you've turned him against me blah blah blah. Maybe he was right all along by not texting her, shows I didn't know best this time :(
Anyway guys I need advice on his anger, he's looked for a job no one is giving any jobs out I need to try and take his mind off of things. He says he's fine, but I know he's not, he just looks out of it as it were. Any ideas, sorry for the huge story but I do want what is best for him because I love him too bits.
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Del, he needs to see a therapist/councillor ASAP! They will be able to help.
If I were nearer I'd offer to help him find someone. He probably won't want to go but he needs to... It will help.
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Del, he needs to see a therapist/councillor ASAP! They will be able to help.
If I were nearer I'd offer to help him find someone. He probably won't want to go but he needs to... It will help.
I agree with what Paul said above. It may be difficult to pusuade him to go but will be worth a try with a little gentle pursuation. Hope you get things sorted out Del, it's not a pleasant situation to be in.
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What a cow she sounds like to do that to her own son.... ex husbands I can understand ( not having a go at you by any means ) but ta kids dont need to be put through this by any means.
I would sudggest that you cut all contact from this cow as she is playing bloody mind games with the Lad and it is proving to be too much for the poor sod. I would try and get him to talk to someone who could help him with his anger as it will get worse over the coming yrs and it may tip him over the edge.. HTH and all the best with this problem
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yep agreed he needs to talk to somebody and get it out rather than bottling it up.... i still need to talk to people i trust coz i still blame myself for my dads death and a counsellor does help its helped me somewhat and i no longer bottle my feelings up and hurt the ones i love by not talking.... i hope you and your son have a good xmas del... :)
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If only it were an HBV that needed replacing eh? ;)
Human beings...
There aren't any easy answers are there? And you would be in a better position than others here to give them anyway...
Society constantly underestimates the damage that a parent walking away from a family does.
One part of me says she needs to see as much of her son as she can. But if that involves her playing mind-games and screwing him up, that's not going to help him either.
DelBoy you need to keep focussed on treating him right and explaining to him what can be explained. Don't try to speak for her.
His security has been shattered by not having his two parents where he needs them. You need to try and persuade him that she hasn't gone off because she hates him. Not to get her off the hook but to protect his self-esteem.
His only hope (bar her undoing what she's done) is to grow up now. I don't mean that unkindly. We all lose our parents one way or another at some time, what he faces is worse - a parent that still exists but says "I don't want you". He needs to realise what his own worth is so that he can build on that. You are still there for him and may be able to talk some of that into him? You may even have to go easy on him on the discipline front but try to explain it all the way ("Normally I'd do such-and-such but you're under pressure so I'll let it go this time") so that he doesn't get used to anarchy.
Cossetting him may not be the right direction. He may need to be given more responsibility, but still with you never far away and ready to talk.
Sorry. That puts even more stress on you at a time when you don't need it, but he is still a dependent.
Oh, and by the way; I'm not an expert so read what I've put and see if there's anything that strikes a chord in your own experience. If not; bin it.
I really hope things get better for you.
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I can't offer any real advice to you but maybe your Son would benefit by contacting childline. If they can't help directly they should be able to point him in the right direction.
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Whilst leaving the toilet a bloke copped him in a already bad mood and said "well done for washing your hands mate your filthy" being brutally honest he usually does, but stressed out etc he wasn't bothered, anyway he said to me he though I'd just wall off but I couldn't. Anyway gave the bloke a load of mouth and told him to shut up or you'll get a smack pretty much, the bloke did then shut up
del try and keep him away from situations like these as to be honest myself and plenty of others would have slapped him for being mouthy not realising hes going through hell at the moment keep him occupied so he cant dwell on things and i hope it all comes good for your boy :y
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Del, he needs to see a therapist/councillor ASAP! They will be able to help.
If I were nearer I'd offer to help him find someone. He probably won't want to go but he needs to... It will help.
I agree with what Paul said above. It may be difficult to pusuade him to go but will be worth a try with a little gentle pursuation. Hope you get things sorted out Del, it's not a pleasant situation to be in.
Indeed - and it's available for free to under 25s in many areas via your GP.
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Whilst leaving the toilet a bloke copped him in a already bad mood and said "well done for washing your hands mate your filthy" being brutally honest he usually does, but stressed out etc he wasn't bothered, anyway he said to me he though I'd just wall off but I couldn't. Anyway gave the bloke a load of mouth and told him to shut up or you'll get a smack pretty much, the bloke did then shut up
del try and keep him away from situations like these as to be honest myself and plenty of others would have slapped him for being mouthy not realising hes going through hell at the moment keep him occupied so he cant dwell on things and i hope it all comes good for your boy :y
Yeah mate I understand that and he wouldnt have said anything to the bloke, but the bloke shouldn't even be commenting on what my boy is doing, he was minding his own business walking out of the toilet, never have I known him to start trouble, and he won't start trouble, but he won't be picked on either.
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Whilst leaving the toilet a bloke copped him in a already bad mood and said "well done for washing your hands mate your filthy" being brutally honest he usually does, but stressed out etc he wasn't bothered, anyway he said to me he though I'd just wall off but I couldn't. Anyway gave the bloke a load of mouth and told him to shut up or you'll get a smack pretty much, the bloke did then shut up
del try and keep him away from situations like these as to be honest myself and plenty of others would have slapped him for being mouthy not realising hes going through hell at the moment keep him occupied so he cant dwell on things and i hope it all comes good for your boy :y
Yeah mate I understand that and he wouldnt have said anything to the bloke, but the bloke shouldn't even be commenting on what my boy is doing, he was minding his own business walking out of the toilet, never have I known him to start trouble, and he won't start trouble, but he won't be picked on either.
tottally agree del people should mind their own does he like sport or anything else something you could both do to try and keep him busy and agree with the others maybe a counsellor or someone in the family or a friend he could talk to must be very hard for him good luck to your boy and you things will come good
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Yeah we used to go up the gym all 3 of us used to go, maybe we'll have to get back into that again :y
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Yeah we used to go up the gym all 3 of us used to go, maybe we'll have to get back into that again :y
maybe a good idea to get up there i still go to the gym when im wound up helps to forget about things for a while and i usually take all my aggression out on punchbags and the like by the time ive finished mind and body feel refreshed :y
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I agree that you should get your GP Del to refer him to counselling, along with a anger management course.
He needs to "earth" his understandable frustrations and anger, and for that he requires professional help. I'm afaid to say that if he does not take that route soon there will be serious trouble! :'( :'(
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I agree that you should get your GP Del to refer him to counselling, along with a anger management course.
He needs to "earth" his understandable frustrations and anger, and for that he requires professional help. I'm afaid to say that if he does not take that route soon there will be serious trouble! :'( :'(
It's like a ticking time bomb without sounding silly :-/
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I agree that you should get your GP Del to refer him to counselling, along with a anger management course.
He needs to "earth" his understandable frustrations and anger, and for that he requires professional help. I'm afaid to say that if he does not take that route soon there will be serious trouble! :'( :'(
It's like a ticking time bomb without sounding silly :-/
I can imagine Del, so I would try and defuse it as quickly as possible with professional help!
No one tackles a bomb who is not a bomb disposal expert! ::) ::)
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I agree that you should get your GP Del to refer him to counselling, along with a anger management course.
He needs to "earth" his understandable frustrations and anger, and for that he requires professional help. I'm afaid to say that if he does not take that route soon there will be serious trouble! :'( :'(
It's like a ticking time bomb without sounding silly :-/
I can imagine Del, so I would try and defuse it as quickly as possible with professional help!
No one tackles a bomb who is not a bomb disposal expert! ::) ::)
That's a way to look at it ;D ;D
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I agree that you should get your GP Del to refer him to counselling, along with a anger management course.
He needs to "earth" his understandable frustrations and anger, and for that he requires professional help. I'm afaid to say that if he does not take that route soon there will be serious trouble! :'( :'(
It's like a ticking time bomb without sounding silly :-/
I can imagine Del, so I would try and defuse it as quickly as possible with professional help!
No one tackles a bomb who is not a bomb disposal expert! ::) ::)
That's a way to look at it ;D ;D
The route this argument has gone suggests washing your hands of your kids. Absolutely no way. By all means get professional help if you can but the responsibility for parenting never leaves while the child is young.
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I agree that you should get your GP Del to refer him to counselling, along with a anger management course.
He needs to "earth" his understandable frustrations and anger, and for that he requires professional help. I'm afaid to say that if he does not take that route soon there will be serious trouble! :'( :'(
It's like a ticking time bomb without sounding silly :-/
I can imagine Del, so I would try and defuse it as quickly as possible with professional help!
No one tackles a bomb who is not a bomb disposal expert! ::) ::)
That's a way to look at it ;D ;D
The route this argument has gone suggests washing your hands of your kids. Absolutely no way. By all means get professional help if you can but the responsibility for parenting never leaves while the child is young.
That mate is bang on, and I don't want him to feel that he has to talk to someone because I want to help him, not some stranger.
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I agree that you should get your GP Del to refer him to counselling, along with a anger management course.
He needs to "earth" his understandable frustrations and anger, and for that he requires professional help. I'm afaid to say that if he does not take that route soon there will be serious trouble! :'( :'(
It's like a ticking time bomb without sounding silly :-/
I can imagine Del, so I would try and defuse it as quickly as possible with professional help!
No one tackles a bomb who is not a bomb disposal expert! ::) ::)
That's a way to look at it ;D ;D
The route this argument has gone suggests washing your hands of your kids. Absolutely no way. By all means get professional help if you can but the responsibility for parenting never leaves while the child is young.
That mate is bang on, and I don't want him to feel that he has to talk to someone because I want to help him, not some stranger.
But Del, with your "child", who is a young man, you sometimes do need professional help! It is not "a stranger", but someone who is qualified to advise and guide with the big issues your son /you have. To get the best advise for your child in not divorcing yourself from the responsibility you have as a parent, but giving to your "child" what they really need.
As a parent of now three in their thirties adults, I have been there with a "child" who had real issues, and the professionals helped greatly! ;) ;)
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Professionals can help but as already stated it's not easy getting a disturbed 16 yr old to attend. If he's up for going to the gym with you that's a cracking idea as it it will help release any pent up aggression & further strengthen the bond between you. He's 16 now & if he does'nt want to see his mother does'nt have too. My son is 25. We've had our scrapes but all is good with him, me & mum now.
In all honesty i don't think there is a quick fix. It's obviously hurting him to see his mum carrying on as she is. Take the tortoise & hare approach. Just be there for him, when he can't be calm & you be calm while he's kicking off, let him let it out. It might take a year or two & it'll be rough at times.
It'll work in the long run. Guy. :y
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Professionals can help but as already stated it's not easy getting a disturbed 16 yr old to attend. If he's up for going to the gym with you that's a cracking idea as it it will help release any pent up aggression & further strengthen the bond between you. He's 16 now & if he does'nt want to see his mother does'nt have too. My son is 25. We've had our scrapes but all is good with him, me & mum now.
In all honesty i don't think there is a quick fix. It's obviously hurting him to see his mum carrying on as she is. Take the tortoise & hare approach. Just be there for him, when he can't be calm & you be calm while he's kicking off, let him let it out. It might take a year or two & it'll be rough at times.
It'll work in the long run. Guy. :y
In the past 7 months there's been a kicked in back gate, dented garage doors and 2 broken knuckles, god knows how many cuts and bleeding knuckles there has been, but I honestly think that, that is the way to let him do it, it gets some of the huge amount of anger in there out. I know he misses his mum, but he won't admit it, we were a very close family before all of this kicked off and it has all really been taken away from him. I just know for a fact that he won't go and see a professional, and I honestly think as Guy says is the way to let him do it :-/
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as a lot of others have said, he really could benefit from proffessional counselling but at 16 thats going to be a difficult thing to persuade him to undertake. When parents split up it often has an understandably drastic effect on kids and their inability to verbalize their feelings ,confusion and hurt often leads to anger out of sheer frustration. I know my lad (at heart a very placid and generally "nice" young man) went off the rails for a while and nearly got expelled from school ,trouble with the police etc but it all-luckily-turned out well in the end. Its because , whatever the situation, kids tend to want mum and dad to stay together and they arent mature enough or worldly enough to understand the reasons why things happen between people. Try and persuade him to see someone who can help him deal with his anger and frustration and try your hardest not to slag his mum off in front of him however hard that can be and however much of a cow she is to him/you. You are the adult so you're the role model so you are the one who has got to try to be seen by him to be reasonable in your attitude to things including her actions. Make him know that you love him and will look out for him but also let him know that certain behaviours are not acceptable.Spend quality time with him as youve said like going to the gym so you can better bond with him. Like all kids-esp of that age!_he will push you but he will do that to sort of test his boundries as well as you. You know, the old will dad leave me too? what if I do such and such, will dad kick me out. Its a very fine line and it certainly aint easy but if you can be firm with him but still reassure him then you'll ultimately be the closer for it. Hope I arent "teaching you to suck eggs" or anything but as someone who has merged 2 families together(much of the credit due to the patience and maternal instincts of my better half I must say) I know a little of what youre going through. It'll take time and it wont be easy but you'll get there. (oh, btw, this is a need to know situation so school/college/work need to be kept informed so they can understand reasons for your sons sometime aggression. My lad wouldnt initially respond to me or his teachers but he did respond well to his young mentor they put in place at school).Best wishes mate,especially at this time of year which should be all about you and yours