Omega Owners Forum
Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: Jay w on 11 February 2008, 09:14:12
-
Me and the wife have been together for 9 years, she was married before and had a son by this chap, right from the time we got together i have always treated him as part of the family.
He is now 18 and since he left school he has turned into a breakless layabout, his excuse is ' i don't know what i want to do for a job' so we suggested that he gets out into the marketplace and tries a few until he finds one that he will like, his answer 'but i don't know what i want to do so i don't know where to start' >:(
He is not the most outgoing person in the world, coupled with the usual teenager attitude, by his own admission he had no practical experience of doing a CV or dealing with interviews, so i have spent a lot of time coaching him on dealing with questions and interviews and putting together CV's and application form.
We finally got him an apprenticeship in the local Audi dealer, i knew the Dealer Principle quite well and pulled a few strings, i figured that once he was in there he would knuckle down and show them that he had commitment :-/ he lasted 5 days and they let him go/sacked him due to his attitude and unwillingness to do what he was told >:(
since then he has dossed, drifted from college course to college course, lied about where he is and made up countless excuses about why he didn't get the job he applied for.
I am away from mon-fri so i don't get to view the situation on a first hand basis, my wife had chronic ME and sometimes she can deal with the aggro, but i decided to 'follow up' on some interviews he has been to recently to try and get some feedback, the response was interesting.
1) can you send an interpreter next time please so we can understand what he was grunting about
2) I have never seen someone sit in a chair.....horizontally!!!
3) He didn't really seem interested, when we asked him why he applied he just shrugged his shoulders and grunted.
:o :o So i faced him yesterday with this, now it was fair to say it didn't go down well, i was 'checking up' on him, which i admitted i was doing, his view is that the world owes him a favour, he is collecting it and his intention is not to get a job but to doss on the benefits, at this point it all kicked off in a monumental fashion and we squared up, i had him by the throat against a hot radiator and at that point he saw things from my prospective, either that or he was getting burnt ;D
We have got to the point where he is affecting every single person in the house, we don't speak, my wife is tired of his attitutude/behavoiur and my daughter doesn't like the way he speaks to her (and he can be a spiteful little bas***d) and it does put a strain on our marrage
this weekend has been marred by this, i have decided that he is going to be sent back to his fathers, he has said that if i try this he will run away, so again i am in catch 22
any ideas/suggestions
-
Not easy dealing with thankless little scrotes and worse still when it impacts on the day to day life of everybody else.
Unfortunately its all to easy to do nothing in this day and age.
As for running away, hes 18, hes now his own responsability and he needs to realise that!
How much of his benefits do you get towards keeping him?
-
None, sadly...
This description does not seem a million miles away from my nephew, my sister got remarried a few years ago and her eldest son (now 22) is a school drop-out and jobless, and not on speaking terms with his stepfather who resented his attitude all along and tried to put him right.
In comparison I guess I am lucky in that my family includes two girls from my wife's previous marriage, who are a godsend... well they do get up to all sort of thing being teenage girls, and while I 'officially' get upset and tell them off from time to time, I know in my time we did much worst things... ;D
But I guess some things just need time... young people do sometimes turn around and see the error of their ways. Though I understand your immediate problem, he is a bad influence on the rest of the family. Your priorities were correct IMO in that you first did your utmost to help him, and when it id not work you are now trying to protect the rest of the family from his influence.
As said, I have no practical advice to offer, but keep going and hopefully something good will come out of all this.
-
Thats a hard one Jay, i would be almost tempted to let him run away and see what he does.
By the sounds of things he will be back with his tail between his legs.
But a hard one to do and you both have to be in agreement about it first.
-
he's 18.
pack his suitcase, and tell him to break off, whether to his dad's or to parts unknown, doesn't matter.... and make that clear... you no longer care because he's run out of last chances and parental patience.
and under NO circumstances take him back.
it's hard, but sometimes , you have to be a mean bastardo to do what's best for them.... we had a similar experience with our eldest... resolved only by literally kicking her out......
and we're having a tough time right now with our middle one (out of 5)
but he's well aware i don't have limitless patience, and has already got himself a part time (2/3 days a week) job, and is beginning to pay us rent.... (70% of take home wage) .... we're still trying to get his lazy-ish, arse back to college for A levels....
the lass between them is at Uni, and working hard to get a decent degree in a field she wants to work in.... expensive, but worthwhile!
-
thanks for the comments.
We get nothing in the way of benefits, he is 18 and out of full time education.
We have both come to the conclusion that sending him to his father is the best, my wife has now become so affected by this she has said that if he runs then the door will not be open for him in the future (that's how bad it has got with her)
what i don't want to do is give him ammo that he can use in the future, he is the sort of person who will throw this up time and time agaon, and is only too happy to shift the blame/focus onto someone else, he is not willing to see how is actions affect others.
Maybe i should let him go.....
-
he's 18.
pack his suitcase, and tell him to break off, whether to his dad's or to parts unknown, doesn't matter.... and make that clear... you no longer care because he's run out of last chances and parental patience.
and under NO circumstances take him back.
it's hard, but sometimes , you have to be a mean bastardo to do what's best for them.... we had a similar experience with our eldest... resolved only by literally kicking her out......
and we're having a tough time right now with our middle one (out of 5)
but he's well aware i don't have limitless patience, and has already got himself a part time (2/3 days a week) job, and is beginning to pay us rent.... (70% of take home wage) .... we're still trying to get his lazy-ish, arse back to college for A levels....
the lass between them is at Uni, and working hard to get a decent degree in a field she wants to work in.... expensive, but worthwhile!
Your lad seemed willing to graft at the cambelt meet......its amazing what you can tell from such events about a person!
-
Tough one Jay, but i think it would do him good just to see how lucky he really is.........
-
thanks for the comments.
We get nothing in the way of benefits, he is 18 and out of full time education.
We have both come to the conclusion that sending him to his father is the best, my wife has now become so affected by this she has said that if he runs then the door will not be open for him in the future (that's how bad it has got with her)
what i don't want to do is give him ammo that he can use in the future, he is the sort of person who will throw this up time and time agaon, and is only too happy to shift the blame/focus onto someone else, he is not willing to see how is actions affect others.
Maybe i should let him go.....
It may be what he needs.
He must be getting job seekers allowance etc, I hope you are getting your cut towards his living costs?
As a pointer, keep a diary. I know somebody in a similar situation and its helped her a lot as she can refer back to the day to day events of the difficult times which removes the doubt that can set in after. It can seem a pain to do sometimes but, its worth it!
It would also reduce his ability to throw things back at you.
-
Hard problem to solve..
From my first marriage I had big boys around me over 18 as wifes brothers..No mother and father for them..And caused real disaster in the marriage.. I tried to help them..No way dont understand..
After we send them in cyprus for univercity...This helped ...
Second marriage wife have one daughter but stay with uncle ..
The best way I can think of is sending him away from home for a while to face real life..
In case he stays in home will break the peace anyway ..
-
In a word - ARMY ::) ::)
-
In a word - ARMY ::) ::)
Funnily enough, the armed services sprung to my mind to!
-
In a word - ARMY ::) ::)
Exactly..
-
In a word - ARMY ::) ::)
;D
I'm entirely unqualified to give parenting advice myself but my parents were very keen to send me away to university when I left school. I think "flying the nest" taught me that there is a balance between freedom and responsibility.
Although I then returned home to live with them afterwards, for an embarrasing number of years, before getting my own place, I never took anything for granted and pulled my weight.
It sounds like getting out of the home and fending for himself, in whatever shape or form that may take, is what he needs, and that it certainly can't make matters any worse.
Kevin
-
And Plymouth is very convenient for a certain well known armed force....
-
And Plymouth is very convenient for a certain well known armed force....
But if he does join up and stays there, don't square up to him again ;D
-
If he wants to run away, let him run, it will open his eyes and make him realise just how much support he has had from you and the wife.
I have a step daughter and I know how difficult it can be, my wife used to tell me "oh leave her alone" when I used to speak to her if I wasnt happy about something.
-
he's 18.
pack his suitcase, and tell him to break off, whether to his dad's or to parts unknown, doesn't matter.... and make that clear... you no longer care because he's run out of last chances and parental patience.
and under NO circumstances take him back.
it's hard, but sometimes , you have to be a mean bastardo to do what's best for them.... we had a similar experience with our eldest... resolved only by literally kicking her out......
and we're having a tough time right now with our middle one (out of 5)
but he's well aware i don't have limitless patience, and has already got himself a part time (2/3 days a week) job, and is beginning to pay us rent.... (70% of take home wage) .... we're still trying to get his lazy-ish, arse back to college for A levels....
the lass between them is at Uni, and working hard to get a decent degree in a field she wants to work in.... expensive, but worthwhile!
My god its gone up my mother used to take 33.3% of my wage.infact she did it to all 3 of us girls.
As for throughing him out DO IT!!! make sure mother agrees first.
My mother did this to my kid sister, she had dissapeared of for the day boy did she get a shock when she came home and found the entire contants of her room in bin bas on the drive.
It worked though she now at 19 has a good job, a sence of responsiblitiy and respects others.
i let for the Royal Navy to get away from the folks, it was great the best thing i ever did. i was 17 1/2 when i left home and ill behonest it was hard somedays but i look back now and see that i managed to stand on my own to feet!
-
In a word - ARMY ::) ::)
he looked at it.......for about 2 mins.....
realised that he was going to be bossed about, was still keen until he realised that the army wasn't a 9-5 mon-fri. :-?
I didn't help as when he said about the hours i burst out laughing and asked a him question
'Do you think people only do war on weekdays and during office hours?'
his response was no surprise to me, he genuinely thought that 5 on friday the army, navy and air forace all knocked off for the weekend :o :o :o
My wife has agreed, but i know that as we speak he is on the phone trying to crawl back into the house on the weeks that i am not there....
So, i have changed the locks today
Have a friend removing all his stuff and placing it in the garage
his car is up for sale (Renault clit 1.4 rt, 7 months MOT, £400)
his room will be painted pink and his sister will have an 'upgrade'
and he has been told to meet me and his mum this saturday in a neutral location, at this point he will be told what is happening.
i am the one however that feels like the bas***d in all of this, i just hope it does him good
-
In a word - ARMY ::) ::)
he looked at it.......for about 2 mins.....
realised that he was going to be bossed about, was still keen until he realised that the army wasn't a 9-5 mon-fri. :-?
I didn't help as when he said about the hours i burst out laughing and asked a him question
'Do you think people only do war on weekdays and during office hours?'
his response was no surprise to me, he genuinely thought that 5 on friday the army, navy and air forace all knocked off for the weekend :o :o :o
My wife has agreed, but i know that as we speak he is on the phone trying to crawl back into the house on the weeks that i am not there....
So, i have changed the locks today
Have a friend removing all his stuff and placing it in the garage
his car is up for sale (Renault clit 1.4 rt, 7 months MOT, £400)
his room will be painted pink and his sister will have an 'upgrade'
and he has been told to meet me and his mum this saturday in a neutral location, at this point he will be told what is happening.
i am the one however that feels like the bas***d in all of this, i just hope it does him good
it will do him the world of good and beleive it or not he will thank you in a few years when he relises hes making something of himself and not a bum like his mates.
dont be to hard on yourself these things have to be done your not the first and wont be the last to do it.
Good luck keep us updated!
-
No job and he has a car!
-
sooner or later will step on earth ;)
-
No job and he has a car!
yes thats interesting..
-
The Army would do him good, I totally agree. However due to costs cuts etc the military no longer needs masses of people as in the good old days of the Cold War, and since they (rightly) do not see their role as being problem-solvers for society misfits, chances are that with his attitude (judging from Jay W's account) the MoD will not be interested....
-
No job and he has a car!
18th birthday present, i bought it, taxed it insured it and paid for a load of driving lessons.
Now it just sits on the drive and the only time it moves is when i use it.
Yeah, i know i was having a soft in the head moment when i bought it for him
-
Now I'm certainly not best placed to give any advice. But if wrapped in cotton wool/spoilt/whatever (I'm not saying he was - though I'm sure he's done the Mum v Dad since the split), he'll find real life (ie, not school) hard going when he's always had someone to clean up after him and look after him all his life.
I left home at 18 - though for other reasons (parents moved away, I wanted to stay put) - and it taught me a lot. The 1st 3 months in particular, I realised an awful lot about how hard things could be. I learnt who my real friends were, and try never to take anyone for granted. It also taught me a LOT of life skills, and how to deal with people.
My situation was different - I never had issues with Mum or Dad, and they were very supportive after the initial disappointment I was leaving home.
But, don't be scared to kick him out - he may learn to be more responsible. Just try to do all you can to stop him getting in with wrong crowd.
-
The Army would do him good, I totally agree. However due to costs cuts etc the military no longer needs masses of people as in the good old days of the Cold War, and since they (rightly) do not see their role as being problem-solvers for society misfits, chances are that with his attitude (judging from Jay W's account) the MoD will not be interested....
I honestly believe it would do it the world of good, but he wouldn't tolerate the basic training, he cant stand any form of authority telling him what to do.
-
Also, as said, I'm in no position for giving advice, but I agree, the Services would give him the real kick up the backside he obviously needs. But then, so would any job, esp if he needs the money...
-
The Army would do him good, I totally agree. However due to costs cuts etc the military no longer needs masses of people as in the good old days of the Cold War, and since they (rightly) do not see their role as being problem-solvers for society misfits, chances are that with his attitude (judging from Jay W's account) the MoD will not be interested....
I honestly believe it would do it the world of good, but he wouldn't tolerate the basic training, he cant stand any form of authority telling him what to do.
its going to be a coulture sock a big one.......
i would give him a incentive to make it through basic training.
like giving him his car back....once hes over this hurdle he can afford to keep the car and hes got to know the lads a bit. and may even find he enjoys it.
just an idea dangling a carrot (as such) might help
-
..is there anything at all that he is interested in? e.g. football, computers (or computer games, game consoles), etc? Might be a good idea to try and get him involved in some way with work based on something he likes, just to get him started, even if it is not a full-time paid job? For example if he is into game consoles then being a shop assistant at your local Curry's or Dixons might be an idea.....?
-
The Army would do him good, I totally agree. However due to costs cuts etc the military no longer needs masses of people as in the good old days of the Cold War, and since they (rightly) do not see their role as being problem-solvers for society misfits, chances are that with his attitude (judging from Jay W's account) the MoD will not be interested....
I honestly believe it would do it the world of good, but he wouldn't tolerate the basic training, he cant stand any form of authority telling him what to do.
its going to be a coulture sock a big one.......
i would give him a incentive to make it through basic training.
like giving him his car back....once hes over this hurdle he can afford to keep the car and hes got to know the lads a bit. and may even find he enjoys it.
just an idea dangling a carrot (as such) might help
Yep, it is quite a kick-in-the-back-side joining-up at 18.... ;D
-
And Plymouth is very convenient for a certain well known armed force....
Which is where my lad left from very recently. We'd also had a shed load of problems with him too ....... but fingers crossed ..... so far .... :-X
-
even if he leaves after, this period will also be helpful :)
-
Hi Jay,
I really feel for you. I have had this problem with 2 of my 3 step children. I eventually, with the wife's blessing, booted them out - literally. Both my girls were 16 (and very violent too) when they went, by the time they had reached 18, they had turned back in to humans again.
I'm not saying that you should throw him out - all cases are different, but is he affecting family harmony, something needs to be done - FAST.
-
..is there anything at all that he is interested in? e.g. football, computers (or computer games, game consoles), etc? Might be a good idea to try and get him involved in some way with work based on something he likes, just to get him started, even if it is not a full-time paid job? For example if he is into game consoles then being a shop assistant at your local Curry's or Dixons might be an idea.....?
he is into his Xbox, music and technology, i have suggested doing something like that but it was met with a brash comment about combining hobby and job and how it doesn't work!!
-
I'v a similar problem with my nephew i say my problem because the nephew is a lot bigger than his step dad,and has pushes him around a bit
i decided that giving him a good slap at the time was not the best way to go,so 2pm one day last week i walked in to his bed room said hello picked up his play station & x-box opened the window chucked'em out side you know I've never seen him move so fast,as i said slapping himaround would have achieved very little but having the top half of him hangingout the window seemed to do the trick we'll see what happens
-
I'v a similar problem with my nephew i say my problem because the nephew is a lot bigger than his step dad,and has pushes him around a bit
i decided that giving him a good slap at the time was not the best way to go,so 2pm one day last week i walked in to his bed room said hello picked up his play station & x-box opened the window chucked'em out side you know I've never seen him move so fast,as i said slapping himaround would have achieved very little but having the top half of him hangingout the window seemed to do the trick we'll see what happens
after reading through every ones postes i felt guilty about how i dealt with the situation the way i did it makes me sound like a bully
so Ive just phoned my in laws, my nephew never wants to see or speak to me again but he has enrolled in collage and hes a lot nicer to live with/be around
-
dont feel guilty ..Everybody has a limit..God knows what passed from my heart before..
-
From Being a Youngster along time ago and been in his position As I did Not know what i wanted to do But cant say that i was lazy just confused in which way in life to turn. I join the Army And It was The Best Thing I ever Did Gave me Pride In Myself which i had not had a lot of. Fair Enough I was Medicaly Discharged with a knacked Leg but it help me find my way in life upto the point of now, as i went to uni and got my Degree and Masters.
Also There was no Wars when i joined, I think this is putting alot of people off joining these days, Which I can Fully understand
Craig
-
In a word - ARMY ::) ::)
he looked at it.......for about 2 mins.....
realised that he was going to be bossed about, was still keen until he realised that the army wasn't a 9-5 mon-fri. :-?
I didn't help as when he said about the hours i burst out laughing and asked a him question
'Do you think people only do war on weekdays and during office hours?'
his response was no surprise to me, he genuinely thought that 5 on friday the army, navy and air forace all knocked off for the weekend :o :o :o
My wife has agreed, but i know that as we speak he is on the phone trying to crawl back into the house on the weeks that i am not there....
So, i have changed the locks today
Have a friend removing all his stuff and placing it in the garage
his car is up for sale (Renault clit 1.4 rt, 7 months MOT, £400)
his room will be painted pink and his sister will have an 'upgrade'
and he has been told to meet me and his mum this saturday in a neutral location, at this point he will be told what is happening.
i am the one however that feels like the bas***d in all of this, i just hope it does him good
We work weekends sometimes except on operations where we work everyday. I have just come back from Iraq where I was working 12 shifts for 3 months with only 2 24 hours breaks the whole time I was there.
Yet I have today off and on friday I start 2 weeks post-tour leave (for a 6 month tour you get at least 4 weeks off plus annual leave - I know someone who spent so much time in Iraq he had 3 months off work on full pay!)
When I am back with the regiment I finish most fridays at midday after a forced march in combat gear carrying weight (or some other PT) and most units have a late start on mondays too. Admittedly there is the downside such an exercise last year where for 3 weeks i was doing 20hr days continuously. Not good for the health that one!
As we call it in the Army - Cake and Arse!
Did I mention that I have saved so much money I am looking at buying a new car next month....... oh and tax free!! ;)
-
Haven't had these problems with my kids, thank God, but can understand how difficult it must be to find any good solution. If you do take the hardest lines suggested, try to find some way of getting him to understand that a real change of attitude and effort on his part might not meet with out-and-out rejection in the future. And as Marie says, make sure your wife (and yourself, for that matter), can come to terms with hardline action. She may not be voicing her deepest concerns.
Good luck.
-
I'v a similar problem with my nephew i say my problem because the nephew is a lot bigger than his step dad,and has pushes him around a bit
i decided that giving him a good slap at the time was not the best way to go,so 2pm one day last week i walked in to his bed room said hello picked up his play station & x-box opened the window chucked'em out side you know I've never seen him move so fast,as i said slapping himaround would have achieved very little but having the top half of him hangingout the window seemed to do the trick we'll see what happens
;D ;D
don't feel bad mate, especially if it did the trick...
Mine thinks that i hate him, i don't i just want him to make something of his life, he doeswn't know what direction to travel and i have tried to offer some suggestions.
I have thought about slinging stuff out of the window in the past, and it has been close, instead i just cut the power leads off the items and keep the plugs ;D
before doing this please remember to take the plug out of the socket :o
-
I'v a similar problem with my nephew i say my problem because the nephew is a lot bigger than his step dad,and has pushes him around a bit
i decided that giving him a good slap at the time was not the best way to go,so 2pm one day last week i walked in to his bed room said hello picked up his play station & x-box opened the window chucked'em out side you know I've never seen him move so fast,as i said slapping himaround would have achieved very little but having the top half of him hangingout the window seemed to do the trick we'll see what happens
;D ;D
don't feel bad mate, especially if it did the trick...
Mine thinks that i hate him, i don't i just want him to make something of his life, he doeswn't know what direction to travel and i have tried to offer some suggestions.
I have thought about slinging stuff out of the window in the past, and it has been close, instead i just cut the power leads off the items and keep the plugs ;D
before doing this please remember to take the plug out of the socket :o
I do that already with my 12 year old ::)
-
I feel unusual just having mine alone, but they are hard work - thrashed them at happy families last night.
The boys I know will be a problem when they are teenagers, my daughter is already getting teenagerish and she is only 10
-
the other thing that may help could be careers guidance seeing as he doesn't know what he wants to do, might give him ideas as to what direction(s) to start looking in ... especially with the comment about him getting stuck in at the cambelt party, it may well be that he needs to know where to start ... ???
-
And Plymouth is very convenient for a certain well known armed force....
Which is where my lad left from very recently. We'd also had a shed load of problems with him too ....... but fingers crossed ..... so far .... :-X
As i said before ill point him towards the straight and narrow for you! hope hes doing ok? not heard anything about the new class over at work...... no gossip is good.
As for cutting the plugs off my mother used to do that to ............until she realised i could rewire them. ;D ;D
Take him for a pint and have a adult chat with him......public place he would less likely to give you a gob full and you would be forced to keep carm....... it worked for my old man with my sister. anything is worth a try. ;)
-
And Plymouth is very convenient for a certain well known armed force....
Which is where my lad left from very recently. We'd also had a shed load of problems with him too ....... but fingers crossed ..... so far .... :-X
As i said before ill point him towards the straight and narrow for you! hope hes doing ok? not heard anything about the new class over at work...... no gossip is good.
As for cutting the plugs off my mother used to do that to ............until she realised i could rewire them. ;D ;D
Take him for a pint and have a adult chat with him......public place he would less likely to give you a gob full and you would be forced to keep carm....... it worked for my old man with my sister. anything is worth a try. ;)
Tried that a few weeks ago, approached the subject with sensitivity, trying to find out if there were any issues that we could help with
he lost it completely, ended up throwing the best part of a pint everywhere, i sat there with compose, my wife calmly walked out and i picked up the pieces with the barstaff.
He will not sit down and have a rational discussion with anyone, we have been to connexions and even they found him to be really hard work (their words not mine) he would not get involved and became very insular.
They wondered if he had a drink/solven/drug issue, to date this has not been proven, although for all his trouble i do not believe he is involved in any of that.
-
And Plymouth is very convenient for a certain well known armed force....
Which is where my lad left from very recently. We'd also had a shed load of problems with him too ....... but fingers crossed ..... so far .... :-X
As i said before ill point him towards the straight and narrow for you! hope hes doing ok? not heard anything about the new class over at work...... no gossip is good.
As for cutting the plugs off my mother used to do that to ............until she realised i could rewire them. ;D ;D
Take him for a pint and have a adult chat with him......public place he would less likely to give you a gob full and you would be forced to keep carm....... it worked for my old man with my sister. anything is worth a try. ;)
Tried that a few weeks ago, approached the subject with sensitivity, trying to find out if there were any issues that we could help with
he lost it completely, ended up throwing the best part of a pint everywhere, i sat there with compose, my wife calmly walked out and i picked up the pieces with the barstaff.
He will not sit down and have a rational discussion with anyone, we have been to connexions and even they found him to be really hard work (their words not mine) he would not get involved and became very insular.
They wondered if he had a drink/solven/drug issue, to date this has not been proven, although for all his trouble i do not believe he is involved in any of that.
Drastic measures are needed......... tie him to the chair and force him to listen..... im joking but its a good idea :-/
god i hope i dont have to go through this with my boy........ but then again if he so even back chats me hes getting a clip round the ear.
disapline is what the kids of today need
please dont think i am a bad mum i am harsh but fair and love him dearly i only want whats best for him
-
And Plymouth is very convenient for a certain well known armed force....
Which is where my lad left from very recently. We'd also had a shed load of problems with him too ....... but fingers crossed ..... so far .... :-X
As i said before ill point him towards the straight and narrow for you! hope hes doing ok? not heard anything about the new class over at work...... no gossip is good.
As for cutting the plugs off my mother used to do that to ............until she realised i could rewire them. ;D ;D
Take him for a pint and have a adult chat with him......public place he would less likely to give you a gob full and you would be forced to keep carm....... it worked for my old man with my sister. anything is worth a try. ;)
Tried that a few weeks ago, approached the subject with sensitivity, trying to find out if there were any issues that we could help with
he lost it completely, ended up throwing the best part of a pint everywhere, i sat there with compose, my wife calmly walked out and i picked up the pieces with the barstaff.
He will not sit down and have a rational discussion with anyone, we have been to connexions and even they found him to be really hard work (their words not mine) he would not get involved and became very insular.
They wondered if he had a drink/solven/drug issue, to date this has not been proven, although for all his trouble i do not believe he is involved in any of that.
that is how my nephew was in the end after a lot of talking and tears we concluded he felt abandoned by his biological farther and that some how his parents divorce was his fault .this came to light after the video game thing
-
And Plymouth is very convenient for a certain well known armed force....
Which is where my lad left from very recently. We'd also had a shed load of problems with him too ....... but fingers crossed ..... so far .... :-X
As i said before ill point him towards the straight and narrow for you! hope hes doing ok? not heard anything about the new class over at work...... no gossip is good.
As for cutting the plugs off my mother used to do that to ............until she realised i could rewire them. ;D ;D
Take him for a pint and have a adult chat with him......public place he would less likely to give you a gob full and you would be forced to keep carm....... it worked for my old man with my sister. anything is worth a try. ;)
Tried that a few weeks ago, approached the subject with sensitivity, trying to find out if there were any issues that we could help with
he lost it completely, ended up throwing the best part of a pint everywhere, i sat there with compose, my wife calmly walked out and i picked up the pieces with the barstaff.
He will not sit down and have a rational discussion with anyone, we have been to connexions and even they found him to be really hard work (their words not mine) he would not get involved and became very insular.
They wondered if he had a drink/solven/drug issue, to date this has not been proven, although for all his trouble i do not believe he is involved in any of that.
Drastic measures are needed......... tie him to the chair and force him to listen..... im joking but its a good idea :-/
god i hope i dont have to go through this with my boy........ but then again if he so even back chats me hes getting a clip round the ear.
disapline is what the kids of today need
please dont think i am a bad mum i am harsh but fair and love him dearly i only want whats best for him
Lol, half my little lads toys are out of reach at the moment.....
.....favourite saying is 'whats this' (pointing at my hand), he replies 'a big hand'. 'Whats that' (pointing at his bottom), he replies 'a small bottom'......
......'and what happens when the two meet'..........normaly a short pause before 'I get a sore bottom'.
Its very rare it actualy happens but, he gets the picture!
-
....As i said before ill point him towards the straight and narrow for you! hope hes doing ok? not heard anything about the new class over at work...... no gossip is good......
All seems to be going OK so far, seems very positive when we speak on the phone. They're off to Yeovilton for a few days this week to 'double bank' (it's been a while since i used that phase!) their staff
-
....As i said before ill point him towards the straight and narrow for you! hope hes doing ok? not heard anything about the new class over at work...... no gossip is good......
All seems to be going OK so far, seems very positive when we speak on the phone. They're off to Yeovilton for a few days this week to 'double bank' (it's been a while since i used that phase!) their staff
ok thats and old unused one as i have never hard off it .... enlighten me plz. Yeoviton isgreat thats where the hubby has been drafted to in may and thats where i want to go in oct.
-
In a word - ARMY ::) ::)
Funnily enough, the armed services sprung to my mind to!
My thought aswell, but you need to know what career in the army you want these days :-/.............However, on another note your son is lucky to have two dads and family support, and as said not an easy one, let him go and then he may just realise how lucky he actually was and come to his senses (then again maybe not :-/), you just don't know, but what you can't let continue to happen is to destroy the family through his actions, therefore have no choice but to let him go :y.......I left home when I was 17 through my own choice, no father, and have never looked back, unfortunately kids these dasy in my view have things too easy, including my own :-X
-
Lol, half my little lads toys are out of reach at the moment.....
.....favourite saying is 'whats this' (pointing at my hand), he replies 'a big hand'. 'Whats that' (pointing at his bottom), he replies 'a small bottom'......
......'and what happens when the two meet'..........normaly a short pause before 'I get a sore bottom'.
Its very rare it actualy happens but, he gets the picture!
At his age - where he is still exploring the limits of what he can get away with - the threat is enough as long as he knows the threat is real :)
What I can't get over is all this current guff about 'look in to my eyes' when telling them off, and the worse punishment is the naughty step. I know its all the rage to reason and explain everything to kids now, but in my view, somethings real discipline is required - both at home and at school.
I was a bit of a sod at school, as I knew the worse they could do was keep me behind for an hour. I was good as gold at home (mostly ::), as I knew the bake of Dad's hand bloody well hurt...
-
Many people have given advice and every case is different.
The hardest job in the world is being a Step Dad.
I inherited 3 boys 6,8 and 13 ish at the time. The elder we had our moments but come through fine, the youngest no problems, so far now a typical 15 year old but the middle one is a different story.
Their Dad does not want to know, they have never had a night at their Dad’s house since I have known them, their Dad is some Big Wig with a national furniture chain and earns mega bucks. Never put up the money originally agreed with swmbo etc but that is another story.
I will never forgive our middle one, I should have seen the signs when he was younger and I blame him solely for giving swmbo a Heart attack in 2004. >:(
Too much to go into here but swmbo came to an agreement early on that we would not let the kids get in the way of our relationship, they will move on, yippee, we have the rest of our lives and a 7 year old to think of.
You think you know what you are doing, but you don’t
Had to laugh with the eldest, he and his swmbo got their own home, the first time we visited was a darkish day and as we went round the house he turned the lights off, when he was with us he would have every light on in the house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D
-
Jay,
Sorry to hear you're having a tough time at the moment. I have smacked my daughter over the years but only ever when I'm angry, I couldn't bring myself to do it otherwise. Since we started fostering about 7 years ago we have had some very challenging teenagers and smacking is not a legal option with them. I also became a manager about the same time and have employed several errant 18 year olds and I haven't smacked one of them either, although I have sacked a few.
I have come to the conclusion over this time that there is another way, although I'm not so idealistic to believe that there is one approach to cover all eventualities.
It appears to me, from what I've read here, that your stepson is lacking in motivation, self esteem and confidence. There is a reason for this and punishing him won't resolve any of these issues. It may make you feel better and he may eventually work it out for himself but it won't solve the problem.
I think that you need to try to get to the bottom of why he feels like this and perhaps you could start by looking at the theory of Abraham Maslow.
Here's a link.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs
This approach is not easy and you and your wife may not be emotionally up to the challenge but it will, if successful, be hugely rewarding. Please try to bear in mine that, whilst legally an adult, this lad is displaying the behaviour of a child. I have a little understanding of this subject and if it would help then I'd be only too pleased to talk to you.
Martin :y
-
i remember that type from college and school, not a lot you can do. But i am with Max on this, chuck him out, let him fend for himself and learn he needs to earn money!
I had loads of summer jobs when i left school at 16, Tesco's, Currys, local corner shop, 2 years later i was a marketing excutive part time, £5.50 hr + commision, at the time (2002) damn fine wage for someone my age.
The drop out on my college courses was amazing! I started a GNVQ ICT course, 35 people started it, 6 completed it! (still really good mates with 1 of them)
Second course was a BTECH National Diploma in Computing, again, 70 people started, course was split into 2 classes, not enough computers for all. 9 people completed that one, from 75!!! :o :o
I used the UCAS points from that ND to get to Uni, no A levels play off for me.
To be fair, i never knew what i wanted to do either, but i did know it would involve computers because i was good with them, i was not the brighest spark at school, only got 1 GCSE grade C, rest were D's and E's
But still graduated from Uni! on a 2:1 :D
So just goes to show... he needs to find something he enjoys, i never felt using a PC was 'work'
Any ideas what what he enjoys?
-
i remember that type from college and school, not a lot you can do. But i am with Max on this, chuck him out, let him fend for himself and learn he needs to earn money!
I had loads of summer jobs when i left school at 16, Tesco's, Currys, local corner shop, 2 years later i was a marketing excutive part time, £5.50 hr + commision, at the time (2002) damn fine wage for someone my age.
The drop out on my college courses was amazing! I started a GNVQ ICT course, 35 people started it, 6 completed it! (still really good mates with 1 of them)
Second course was a BTECH National Diploma in Computing, again, 70 people started, course was split into 2 classes, not enough computers for all. 9 people completed that one, from 75!!! :o :o
I used the UCAS points from that ND to get to Uni, no A levels play off for me.
To be fair, i never knew what i wanted to do either, but i did know it would involve computers because i was good with them, i was not the brighest spark at school, only got 1 GCSE grade C, rest were D's and E's
But still graduated from Uni! on a 2:1 :D
So just goes to show... he needs to find something he enjoys, i never felt using a PC was 'work'
Any ideas what what he enjoys?
same here :y
-
Jay,
Sorry to hear you're having a tough time at the moment. I have smacked my daughter over the years but only ever when I'm angry, I couldn't bring myself to do it otherwise. Since we started fostering about 7 years ago we have had some very challenging teenagers and smacking is not a legal option with them. I also became a manager about the same time and have employed several errant 18 year olds and I haven't smacked one of them either, although I have sacked a few.
I have come to the conclusion over this time that there is another way, although I'm not so idealistic to believe that there is one approach to cover all eventualities.
It appears to me, from what I've read here, that your stepson is lacking in motivation, self esteem and confidence. There is a reason for this and punishing him won't resolve any of these issues. It may make you feel better and he may eventually work it out for himself but it won't solve the problem.
I think that you need to try to get to the bottom of why he feels like this and perhaps you could start by looking at the theory of Abraham Maslow.
Here's a link.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs
This approach is not easy and you and your wife may not be emotionally up to the challenge but it will, if successful, be hugely rewarding. Please try to bear in mine that, whilst legally an adult, this lad is displaying the behaviour of a child. I have a little understanding of this subject and if it would help then I'd be only too pleased to talk to you.
Martin :y
added to the reading list :y
-
Jay,
Sorry to hear you're having a tough time at the moment. I have smacked my daughter over the years but only ever when I'm angry, I couldn't bring myself to do it otherwise. Since we started fostering about 7 years ago we have had some very challenging teenagers and smacking is not a legal option with them. I also became a manager about the same time and have employed several errant 18 year olds and I haven't smacked one of them either, although I have sacked a few.
I have come to the conclusion over this time that there is another way, although I'm not so idealistic to believe that there is one approach to cover all eventualities.
It appears to me, from what I've read here, that your stepson is lacking in motivation, self esteem and confidence. There is a reason for this and punishing him won't resolve any of these issues. It may make you feel better and he may eventually work it out for himself but it won't solve the problem.
I think that you need to try to get to the bottom of why he feels like this and perhaps you could start by looking at the theory of Abraham Maslow.
Here's a link.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs
This approach is not easy and you and your wife may not be emotionally up to the challenge but it will, if successful, be hugely rewarding. Please try to bear in mine that, whilst legally an adult, this lad is displaying the behaviour of a child. I have a little understanding of this subject and if it would help then I'd be only too pleased to talk to you.
Martin :y
I agree, it is the basis of all, but just sometimes!!!!!!!!!
-
All i can say to ya mate is "you do what you feel to be right, you're the one that's in the situation".
My girlfriends got three from previous & i know how it is, we've had 2 1/2 years of hell & tonight we had a very encouraging turn up. So what i'm saying is "hang in there matey, because everything comes around good" :y
-
Martin,
Thanks for the advice :y
Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.
i am NLP trained and qualified and have tried in vain to use some of those techniques on him in order to help communication, all in vain
James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.
he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work
-
i remember that type from college and school, not a lot you can do. But i am with Max on this, chuck him out, let him fend for himself and learn he needs to earn money!
I had loads of summer jobs when i left school at 16, Tesco's, Currys, local corner shop, 2 years later i was a marketing excutive part time, £5.50 hr + commision, at the time (2002) damn fine wage for someone my age.
The drop out on my college courses was amazing! I started a GNVQ ICT course, 35 people started it, 6 completed it! (still really good mates with 1 of them)
Second course was a BTECH National Diploma in Computing, again, 70 people started, course was split into 2 classes, not enough computers for all. 9 people completed that one, from 75!!! :o :o
I used the UCAS points from that ND to get to Uni, no A levels play off for me.
To be fair, i never knew what i wanted to do either, but i did know it would involve computers because i was good with them, i was not the brighest spark at school, only got 1 GCSE grade C, rest were D's and E's
But still graduated from Uni! on a 2:1 :D
So just goes to show... he needs to find something he enjoys, i never felt using a PC was 'work'
Any ideas what what he enjoys?
He is into computers and gaming (psp ps2 xbox 360) but yet when we suggested using this as a basis to move forward it was blanked, he didn't want to ruin the enjoyment by making it work as well as play!!
He wanted to be a mechanic, so we helped him to get an apprenticeship, he got sacked, then a plumber, again got someone who would take him one, and i offered to pay the public liability insurance as the employer was a small company, on the first day he walked off the job.
We have tried talking about retail, too boring and means he will have to work odd hours and wont be able to see his g/friend
He feels that something like mcdonalds is beneath him......currently he has nothing and if i ws in his position it would be a staring point.
I suppose what i am trying to say here is for every suggestion he has a crap excuse, if he gets the job he wont give it a chance, if he doesn't like it after an hour he is off out the door
-
Martin,
Thanks for the advice :y
Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.
James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.
he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work
iam a benefit bum and its no fun atall what happens when his mates start to earn i.e cars girls nights out new clothes etc does he know what hes going to do then because all of that doesn't come without a job and responsibility
-
Martin,
Thanks for the advice :y
Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.
James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.
he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work
iam a benefit bum and its no fun atall what happens when his mates start to earn i.e cars girls nights out new clothes etc does he know what hes going to do then
Am I not right in thinking you are disabled,in some cases a disability makes it imposible to work, in which case you are not a benefit bum imho.
:)
-
Martin,
Thanks for the advice :y
Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.
James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.
he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work
iam a benefit bum and its no fun atall what happens when his mates start to earn i.e cars girls nights out new clothes etc does he know what hes going to do then
we have tried to make it clear that he will be left behind when his mates start earning money.
he would be happy to sit in his room all day and play on his games he doesn't want to listen to reason.
-
Martin,
Thanks for the advice :y
Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.
James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.
he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work
iam a benefit bum and its no fun atall what happens when his mates start to earn i.e cars girls nights out new clothes etc does he know what hes going to do then
Am I not right in thinking you are disabled,in some cases a disability makes it imposible to work, in which case you are not a benefit bum imho.
:)
and if that's the case then that's not what i consier to be a benefit bum. Whole different reason for asking for help.
My wife has chronic ME and is on incapacity benefit, James though is a perfectly fit, mentally alert 18 year old who doesn't want to contribute
-
Martin,
Thanks for the advice :y
Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.
James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.
he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work
iam a benefit bum and its no fun atall what happens when his mates start to earn i.e cars girls nights out new clothes etc does he know what hes going to do then
Am I not right in thinking you are disabled,in some cases a disability makes it imposible to work, in which case you are not a benefit bum imho.
:)
and if that's the case then that's not what i consier to be a benefit bum. Whole different reason for asking for help.
My wife has chronic ME and is on incapacity benefit, James though is a perfectly fit, mentally alert 18 year old who doesn't want to contribute
iam disabled it took years to admit it but i hate living on benefits what i was trying to say was thatits not a life and i cant think of anything worse than being at home all day it sends me mad
-
Martin,
Thanks for the advice :y
Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.
James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.
he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work
iam a benefit bum and its no fun atall what happens when his mates start to earn i.e cars girls nights out new clothes etc does he know what hes going to do then
Am I not right in thinking you are disabled,in some cases a disability makes it imposible to work, in which case you are not a benefit bum imho.
:)
and if that's the case then that's not what i consier to be a benefit bum. Whole different reason for asking for help.
My wife has chronic ME and is on incapacity benefit, James though is a perfectly fit, mentally alert 18 year old who doesn't want to contribute
iam disabled it took years to admit it but i hate living on benefits what i was trying to say was thatits not a life and i cant think of anything worse than being at home all day it sends me mad
I understand, it took me 4 years Macmillan nurses and a psychologist and GP to get me to admit it, felt much better afterwards, lucky though I am still working, though Job changed a bit but now busier than I ever was. Mind if I lived in a council house I might have retired, and then gone back to work. Took 6 years to get my HGV and PSV licences back, 5 months to apply and they did not even contact my GP or consultant whom they blamed for the delay.
-
Martin,
Thanks for the advice :y
Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.
James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.
he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work
iam a benefit bum and its no fun atall what happens when his mates start to earn i.e cars girls nights out new clothes etc does he know what hes going to do then
Am I not right in thinking you are disabled,in some cases a disability makes it imposible to work, in which case you are not a benefit bum imho.
:)
and if that's the case then that's not what i consier to be a benefit bum. Whole different reason for asking for help.
My wife has chronic ME and is on incapacity benefit, James though is a perfectly fit, mentally alert 18 year old who doesn't want to contribute
iam disabled it took years to admit it but i hate living on benefits what i was trying to say was thatits not a life and i cant think of anything worse than being at home all day it sends me mad
I understand, it took me 4 years Macmillan nurses and a psychologist and GP to get me to admit it, felt much better afterwards, lucky though I am still working, though Job changed a bit but now busier than I ever was. Mind if I lived in a council house I might have retired, and then gone back to work. Took 6 years to get my HGV and PSV licences back, 5 months to apply and they did not even contact my GP or consultant whom they blamed for the delay.
why did it take that long, was that after the 4 years
-
Martin,
Thanks for the advice :y
Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.
James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.
he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work
iam a benefit bum and its no fun atall what happens when his mates start to earn i.e cars girls nights out new clothes etc does he know what hes going to do then
Am I not right in thinking you are disabled,in some cases a disability makes it imposible to work, in which case you are not a benefit bum imho.
:)
and if that's the case then that's not what i consier to be a benefit bum. Whole different reason for asking for help.
My wife has chronic ME and is on incapacity benefit, James though is a perfectly fit, mentally alert 18 year old who doesn't want to contribute
iam disabled it took years to admit it but i hate living on benefits what i was trying to say was thatits not a life and i cant think of anything worse than being at home all day it sends me mad
I understand, it took me 4 years Macmillan nurses and a psychologist and GP to get me to admit it, felt much better afterwards, lucky though I am still working, though Job changed a bit but now busier than I ever was. Mind if I lived in a council house I might have retired, and then gone back to work. Took 6 years to get my HGV and PSV licences back, 5 months to apply and they did not even contact my GP or consultant whom they blamed for the delay.
sounds so familiar.... My lot are blaming DVLA for the holdup for my heart condition and not being allowed to return to work meantime....
Rowlocks, is what I say.... [smiley=angry.gif]
-
My illness, Lung Cancer, carries a standard none driving time, OK with a car and bike though.
-
My illness, Lung Cancer, carries a standard none driving time, OK with a car and bike though.
dont know what to say mate
-
iam disabled it took years to admit it but i hate living on benefits what i was trying to say was thatits not a life and i cant think of anything worse than being at home all day it sends me mad
Honestly mate i would never label someone that need benefts as a bum, sorry if i offended
-
My illness, Lung Cancer, carries a standard none driving time, OK with a car and bike though.
Its my LGV and PCV licences that are in the wringer meantime. And some uneducated ringpiece in upper management at my work says that the same medical criteria apply to blues and twos driving. Despite being pressed in the extreme to quote statutes, is unable to do so and open warfare is almost announced....
Chin up. Life is now challenges to be overcome, not problems to stop you....
-
My illness, Lung Cancer, carries a standard none driving time, OK with a car and bike though.
dont know what to say mate
Don't worry all gone, took a whole lung out, everything else moved around a bit. lead a fairly normal life as long as I don't rush around or get overexcited, just have to do things at my own pace. Thought it had come back a couple of years ago, got rather down and needed some support to get me through, hence admitling the disability bit. Joined a support group really helpful cos talking to other people who know.
Have to avoid confrontation cos If i get my rag up I can't breath or talk and it makes things worse. Still alive though and enjoying life best I can, working full time and have the family.
-
iam disabled it took years to admit it but i hate living on benefits what i was trying to say was thatits not a life and i cant think of anything worse than being at home all day it sends me mad
Honestly mate i would never label someone that need benefts as a bum, sorry if i offended
no offence taken at all :) :) :)
-
My illness, Lung Cancer, carries a standard none driving time, OK with a car and bike though.
dont know what to say mate
Don't worry all gone, took a whole lung out, everything else moved around a bit. lead a fairly normal life as long as I don't rush around or get overexcited, just have to do things at my own pace. Thought it had come back a couple of years ago, got rather down and needed some support to get me through, hence admitling the disability bit. Joined a support group really helpful cos talking to other people who know.
Have to avoid confrontation cos If i get my rag up I can't breath or talk and it makes things worse. Still alive though and enjoying life best I can, working full time and have the family.
my problem arent even close to what you and your famliy must have gone through iam really chuffed for you
-
My illness, Lung Cancer, carries a standard none driving time, OK with a car and bike though.
Its my LGV and PCV licences that are in the wringer meantime. And some uneducated ringpiece in upper management at my work says that the same medical criteria apply to blues and twos driving. Despite being pressed in the extreme to quote statutes, is unable to do so and open warfare is almost announced....
Chin up. Life is now challenges to be overcome, not problems to stop you....
Agreed, get on with it, the option is not really worth considering but easy to fall into.
-
My illness, Lung Cancer, carries a standard none driving time, OK with a car and bike though.
Its my LGV and PCV licences that are in the wringer meantime. And some uneducated ringpiece in upper management at my work says that the same medical criteria apply to blues and twos driving. Despite being pressed in the extreme to quote statutes, is unable to do so and open warfare is almost announced....
Chin up. Life is now challenges to be overcome, not problems to stop you....
Agreed, get on with it, the option is not really worth considering but easy to fall into.
i think youve been talking to crazydad to much because he has the same way with words ;D ;D ;D
-
Well done Zippo, 4 stars. :y :y :y
-
Only got one child, now 22 years old. He's called Scott, (amongst other things) His Mother & i have been apart for some years now but luckily get on very well. we were his age when he was born & both spent several years single parenting, she had him till he was 5, he came to me, back to her @ 13, back to me @ 15 back to her @ 18, still down South now. Always challenging at home, school, flitted from one course to another, for once i wo'nt elaborate. More recently this last xmas he txted me saying he's "disappearing from his family" & if i want to know more phone his Mum. After a couple of days i called & she said that & xmas he told her he should never have been born & we had him on a whim...he was planned. He still lives with his Nan On Mums side. I texted him back (no answer when i phoned) saying he knows where i am if he wants me. He has held a job down for a year or two now. I love him but he can get on with it now i can't wipe his arse for ever. I'm not much into family life the last few years, happy on my own. I'll always be his Dad, you never stop being a parent but you reach the point when you don't know what more you can do.
He 's 22 now, my door's still open.
Sorry, that went on a bit did'nt it? Seems i'm not alone. :y
-
Well done Zippo, 4 stars. :y :y :y
oh yeah, didnt even notice
-
Only got one child, now 22 years old. He's called Scott, (amongst other things) His Mother & i have been apart for some years now but luckily get on very well. we were his age when he was born & both spent several years single parenting, she had him till he was 5, he came to me, back to her @ 13, back to me @ 15 back to her @ 18, still down South now. Always challenging at home, school, flitted from one course to another, for once i wo'nt elaborate. More recently this last xmas he txted me saying he's "disappearing from his family" & if i want to know more phone his Mum. After a couple of days i called & she said that & xmas he told her he should never have been born & we had him on a whim...he was planned. He still lives with his Nan On Mums side. I texted him back (no answer when i phoned) saying he knows where i am if he wants me. He has held a job down for a year or two now. I love him but he can get on with it now i can't wipe his arse for ever. I'm not much into family life the last few years, happy on my own. I'll always be his Dad, you never stop being a parent but you reach the point when you don't know what more you can do.
He 's 22 now, my door's still open.
Sorry, that went on a bit did'nt it? Seems i'm not alone. :y
don't think that you went on at all my dad who i think is just.......
brilliant once told me that there isn't a manual for being a parent and that sometimes parents don't have all the answers and make mistakes
and i remember that when i have a problem with my 2
-
Just a quick update.
Got home on Friday, the wife and i had been talking about how to handle the situation and what message we wanted to get across to him Vs what his side of the situation was.
After a fairly consructive discussion with him doing a lot of the talking he has agreed that he needs to knuckle down and sort his life out, he has applied to the army :o :o and is waiting his date for his first assessment, when i asked him why he was doing this he came back with the fact that he feels it will give him direction, discipline and opportunities that civvy life isn't giving him currently.
My wife was really good, she refused to let him stay in the house overnight during the week, he was welcome in during the day for a chat, change of clothes etc. Strangely enough by being this harsh on him he opened up a bit and talked like a 'adult' to her about what he wanted to do and shared his concerns. Banning him from the house did seem harsh, but we knew where he was on a nighttime and what he didn't realise was if there was any risk of him not having somewhere safe to sleep my wife would have told him to come home.
up until now he has only seen a snapshot of his friends lifestyle, and that's the bit where they have no commitment to work, by being with them for more than a few hours he started to realise that without money he can do very little, and his anticipated late nights out down the pub and long lie ins the following morning were in fact a non starter.
So we have peace and happiness in the house again, he apologised for his attitude and behaviour, i hope that this is the start of a better relationship with him
cheers for the tips and support guys, one or two of you offered soome great ideas :y and they were things that i hadn't considered.
-
Delighted for the four of you Jay. :y
-
good news :y
-
iam glad your son has seen the light so to speak and i wish him the best of luck in the army i hope he also realises what a cracking family he has too :y :y
-
Glad it seems resolved, hope it all works out for you :y
-
Blimey!! Very glad to hear that things have settled down though and are moving in the right direction.
Actually it was quite nice to read through to a good conclusion at the end. Also gives me tips for my little one, when he starts to go through the troublesome phase. Admittedly that's not for another 13 years as he's only 18 months old ;D
-
Just a quick update.
Got home on Friday, the wife and i had been talking about how to handle the situation and what message we wanted to get across to him Vs what his side of the situation was.
After a fairly consructive discussion with him doing a lot of the talking he has agreed that he needs to knuckle down and sort his life out, he has applied to the army :o :o and is waiting his date for his first assessment, when i asked him why he was doing this he came back with the fact that he feels it will give him direction, discipline and opportunities that civvy life isn't giving him currently.
My wife was really good, she refused to let him stay in the house overnight during the week, he was welcome in during the day for a chat, change of clothes etc. Strangely enough by being this harsh on him he opened up a bit and talked like a 'adult' to her about what he wanted to do and shared his concerns. Banning him from the house did seem harsh, but we knew where he was on a nighttime and what he didn't realise was if there was any risk of him not having somewhere safe to sleep my wife would have told him to come home.
up until now he has only seen a snapshot of his friends lifestyle, and that's the bit where they have no commitment to work, by being with them for more than a few hours he started to realise that without money he can do very little, and his anticipated late nights out down the pub and long lie ins the following morning were in fact a non starter.
So we have peace and happiness in the house again, he apologised for his attitude and behaviour, i hope that this is the start of a better relationship with him
cheers for the tips and support guys, one or two of you offered soome great ideas :y and they were things that i hadn't considered.
Thats excellent news and I am glad you aret talking to him about what it means to join the army. Take it from me its no picnic right now but if you can handle the lifestyle the friends and the experiences are second to none. Sure I have just been in Basra for 3 months getting attacked by rockets but the banter and your mates get you through.
I gave up a programming job in France, a house just outside Paris and a slot on a semi pro rugby league team to join the army and I do not regret it at all! ;)
That said it isn't everybody's cup of tea and a word of advice - dont take anything the recruiters tell you as gospel. I'm not saying they sell porkies but I have had several of my soldiers come through who reckon they were told one thing by the recruiters and then reality hits and its another thing completely.
If you need any advice, hints and tips, gosip, etc dont hesitate to give me a shout. It can be very daunting for parents even more so than for the soldier himself!
In Arduis Fidelis!
Gaffers
-
Excellent news Jay. I'll keep my finger crossed for you. :y :y