Omega Owners Forum
Chat Area => General Discussion Area => Topic started by: maria on 20 February 2008, 22:27:32
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Two old ladies, mavis and Elsie, are standing in the rain smoking when mavis pulls out a condom, Cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette, 'My god! Elsie exclaims, 'What on earth's that?
' A condom', Mavis replies, so my ciggie doesn't get wet,
Impressed, elsie goes to the chemist and asks for a box of condoms,
Although shocked, the pharmacist asks her which brand she prefers,
Doesn't matter, Elsie says. Just as long as it fits a camel
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:o ;D
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Very funny!
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Q Why is a marriage like an electric toothbrush?
A If it's working well, there's a real buzz, but if it's broken down, you have to go back to using your hand..
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;D ;D :y :y
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Very Good ;D ;D
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Got to cheer this forum up some how ;D ;D ;D
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Sir Paul is talking to the press when he's asked:- Sir Paul despite the messy divorce & considering your age do you think you'll ever go down on one knee again?" To which he replies, "There's no need for that, i'd rather you call her Heather"! :-/
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very good ;D ;D I have started you of now ;D ;D any more :)
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:o :o :o :o Ooh-er missus! ;D ;D ;D ;D
:y Cheered me up! :y
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A foul mouthed, filthy, ugly, fat woman walks into Asda with her two bad behaved brats under her arms.
An Asda worker standing by the door says,
"Good morning Madam, what beautiful children you have, are they twins?"
she replies, " You stupid B***ard, she is 7 and he is only F****ng 3, why would you think they were twins ya dickhead?"
Asda's worker replies "because I can't imagine anyone shaggin ya twice!"
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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That was brilliant ;D ;D ;D loved it :y
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Husband finishes reading "Man of the House" when he storms into the kitchen pointing his finger at his wife, "from now on I want you to know I am the man of the house, my word is Law, you will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, after run me a bath, then give me great sex, then in the morning guess who's gonna dress me?"
She replies "The F****ng Undertaker!"
;D ;D ;D
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Bloody good ;D ;D ;D ;D
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[smiley=2vrolijk_08.gif] ;D ;D [smiley=2vrolijk_08.gif]
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Raised a few smiles. thanks guys, oh, and girls. ;D ;D ;D
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Three blokes sitting in a pub chatting over a pint.
One says "My lady has just bought a brand new BMW and she can't even drive!"
Second bloke says, "My Mrs has just joined a really exclusive expensive gym, and she isn't even over weight!"
Third bloke says, "Ma lady has just gone Ibiza for a week and taken 30 condoms with her, and she hasn't even got a C**k!"
;D ;D ;D
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Paul McCartney was asked during the divorce proceedings, 'Do you feel that Heather is a little unstable?', to which he replied 'hmmmm, I have found that folding up a beer mat and placing it under her wooden leg can solve that...'
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Three telesales women are talking.....
'I found a packet of condoms in the managers desk drawer, says one,
Yes, I saw them too, adds the second, but i was so disgusted, i got a drawing pin and punched holes in them, the third woman faints....
;D ;D ;D
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Husband climbs in bed naked and says to his wife, "what turns you on more my handsome face, or my toned body?"
Wife looks him up and down and replies " Your f***in sense of Humour!"
;D ;D ;D
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Paul McCartney was asked during the divorce proceedings, 'Do you feel that Heather is a little unstable?', to which he replied 'hmmmm, I have found that folding up a beer mat and placing it under her wooden leg can solve that...'
....but don`t worry Mr McCartney: as for the divorce; Heather hasn`t got a leg to stand-on.
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Man on a train sitting next to a women reading a book on sex statistics.
"Any good?" he asks "fascinating!" she replies "Did you know American Indians have the widest C***s, and the Scotsmen the longest, oh by the way I am Jane!" he shakes her hand and says "Hi Jane I'm Tonto MacPherson!"
;D ;D ;D
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very good ;D ;D ;D
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For her last birthday Paul bought Heather a plane......& some immac for her other leg!
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THE 2007 DARWIN AWARDS
Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the 2007 Darwin Awards are bestowed, honouring the least-evolved among us.
And this year's glorious Winner is:
1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California , would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.
And now, the Honourable Mentions:
2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
5. A Texas teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer: $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
9. The Ann Arbor Michigan News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
******THE 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd had in a very long time.
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Women are magic creatures:They get wet without water,bleed without being injured , give milk without eating grass and can make boneless meat rock hard ! ;D
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Women are magic creatures:They get wet without water,bleed without being injured , give milk without eating grass and can make boneless meat rock hard ! ;D
Thats so ture ;D ;D and it made me laugh ;D ;D ;D
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Paddy was shocked to learn that cows on his farm had Bluetongue. He said "Bejesus i didn't even know they had mobile phones"
;D
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:y
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A man is watching a boxing match on tv,
that was rubbish, he says to his wife, It was all over in three minutes,
Good she replies! now you know how i feel...
;D ;D ;D ;D
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Alcohol free lager. Its like licking your sisters fa##y, it tastes the same but its JUST NOT RIGHT.
I know GROSS, SORRY but its funny.
Got that one from my bro, he works for carlsberg.
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A man is watching a boxing match on tv,
that was rubbish, he says to his wife, It was all over in three minutes,
Good she replies! now you know how i feel...
;D ;D ;D ;D
;D ;D ;D
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Here we go then
Hhelllloo iis ttthiis tthhee oownneerr oof tthhe sssshop ttthaatt I gottt theee vvibbrattor ffromm?? Hhow ddo uuu ttturrn tthe ffucckkinn ttthingg ooffff?? ::) ::)
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LMAO ;D
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Jake was dying, his wife Becky was by his bed.
"Becky" he said "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh. There's nothin' too confess my darling. It's alright." "No I must die in peace."
"I shagged yor sister,yor best friend, her best friend & your mother !"
"I know" whispered Becky softly.
"that's why I poisoned u, u bas^*rd."
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Jake was dying, his wife Becky was by his bed.
"Becky" he said "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh. There's nothin' too confess my darling. It's alright." "No I must die in peace."
"I shagged yor sister,yor best friend, her best friend & your mother !"
"I know" whispered Becky softly.
"that's why I poisoned u, u bas^*rd."
Oh yes. :y :y :y
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Name 6 great "Kings" who have brought happiness into peoples lives.
[size=12]Answer:-
Drin-king, Fuc-king, Lic-king,
Suc-king, Span-king & Wan-king.[/size][/b] ::) :o
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Name 6 great "Kings" who have brought happiness into peoples lives.
[size=12]Answer:-
Drin-king, Fuc-king, Lic-king,
Suc-king, Span-king & Wan-king.[/size][/b] ::) :o
lmao very good ;D ;D ;D
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Last one for now
A 7yr + 4yr old are upstairs in their bedroom. "U know wot" sez 7yr old, "I thing it's time we startd swearin'. When we go downstairs 4 brkfast I'll swear 1st then U." "Ok" sez 4yr old.
Mum coms from kitchen & asks 7yr old wot he wants 4 brkfast. "sh*t mum I'll hav Cocopops" WHACK, he flew out of his chair cryin' his eyes out.
Mum looked @ 4yr old & said sternly "And wot du want 4 brkfast." "I don't know" he blubbers "but it wont b oppsin cocopops!"
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Last one for now
A 7yr + 4yr old are upstairs in their bedroom. "U know wot" sez 7yr old, "I thing it's time we startd swearin'. When we go downstairs 4 brkfast I'll swear 1st then U." "Ok" sez 4yr old.
Mum coms from kitchen & asks 7yr old wot he wants 4 brkfast. "sh*t mum I'll hav Cocopops" WHACK, he flew out of his chair cryin' his eyes out.
Mum looked @ 4yr old & said sternly "And wot du want 4 brkfast." "I don't know" he blubbers "but it wont b oppsin cocopops!"
:y ;D ;D
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Last one for now
A 7yr + 4yr old are upstairs in their bedroom. "U know wot" sez 7yr old, "I thing it's time we startd swearin'. When we go downstairs 4 brkfast I'll swear 1st then U." "Ok" sez 4yr old.
Mum coms from kitchen & asks 7yr old wot he wants 4 brkfast. "sh*t mum I'll hav Cocopops" WHACK, he flew out of his chair cryin' his eyes out.
Mum looked @ 4yr old & said sternly "And wot du want 4 brkfast." "I don't know" he blubbers "but it wont b oppsin cocopops!"
:y ;D ;D
Yep, like that one. ;D ;D ;D
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I love that one ;D ;D ;D
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A gypsy wedding in Ireland ends in a riot. Police arrest 20 and they end up in court. Best man says to the judge "I can explain what happened, its traveller tradition for the best man to have the 1st dance, which I did, the dancing was very close. The groom runs at us and kicked his bride in the fanny!" "Gosh" says the judge "that must have hurt", "HURT!?" says the best man "he broke 3 of my fingers!"
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Brilliant ;D ;D ;D
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Paddy pulls along side a lorry "oi driver, yer losing yer load!" "break off" the driver replies.
5 miles down the road "OI, YER LOSING YER LOAD", "Will you break off" comes the reply.
Another 5 miles down the road "Im not joking, yer still losing yer load"
Driver replies "Will you just break off yer think irish tw@, I'm gritting!!!"
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Like it :y ;D ;D
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Three men with speech impediments are in therapy. Therapist is blonde, petite, fit as break. She says "If you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I'll suck your cock and you can cum in my mouth"
1st one stammers "BBBBirmingham" 2nd "MMMMMMMManchester" Then Paddy stands up, composes himself and says "London". She gets his cock out and gives them the best blowjob of his life, Just as he cums he sighs...."ddderrry"
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Never trust a creature that can bleed for seven days and not die!
::)
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Couple had been married for forty years, to celebrate they went back to the same hotel they spent their honeymoon in, booked the same room and sat at the same table for meals. The wife said"To keep it oiriginal, we should do what we did forty years ago and sneak downstairs into the back yard and have sex up against the fence." They do this and afterwards she says "That was fantastic, much better than the first time." He replies "The bloody fence wasn't electrified then!"
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Couple had been married for forty years, to celebrate they went back to the same hotel they spent their honeymoon in, booked the same room and sat at the same table for meals. The wife said"To keep it oiriginal, we should do what we did forty years ago and sneak downstairs into the back yard and have sex up against the fence." They do this and afterwards she says "That was fantastic, much better than the first time." He replies "The bloody fence wasn't electrified then!"
very good :y
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A Charity pantomime in aid of the Paranoid Schizophrenics descended in to chaos yesterday when someone shouted "He's behind you!"
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Two old women sitting on a park bench, one turns to the other and says "Did you come on the bus"? The other says, "Yes, but I made it look like a heart attack"
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Every woman has four men in her life....
she has her doctor, dentist, decorator and bank manager .
That's because the doctor says : strip off'
The dentist says's: open wide
The decorator says: how do you like it now it's up?
And the bank manager says, you mustn't draw it out or you'll lose interest.
;D ;D ;D
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Jim and Edna are mental patients. One day Jim jumps in the pool and stays on the bottom. Edna dives in and saves him. The manager calls Edna into his office and says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news & some bad news. The good news is we are releasing you, as you're obviously sane saving another's life. The bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom."No" Edna says "That's where I put him to dry"
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Three men with speech impediments are in therapy. Therapist is blonde, petite, fit as break. She says "If you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I'll suck your cock and you can cum in my mouth"
1st one stammers "BBBBirmingham" 2nd "MMMMMMMManchester" Then Paddy stands up, composes himself and says "London". She gets his cock out and gives them the best blowjob of his life, Just as he cums he sighs...."ddderrry"
never read jokes while eating at the computer ask me how i know
lmao :y(one my speech therapists was a babe i didn't get that sort of incentive though :()
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A woman rings her boss and says, "I wont be in at work today as I have anal blindness. Her boss, puzzled, asks "What's that"? She says, "I can't see my arse getting out of bed today"
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Three men with speech impediments are in therapy. Therapist is blonde, petite, fit as break. She says "If you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I'll suck your cock and you can cum in my mouth"
1st one stammers "BBBBirmingham" 2nd "MMMMMMMManchester" Then Paddy stands up, composes himself and says "London". She gets his cock out and gives them the best blowjob of his life, Just as he cums he sighs...."ddderrry"
never read jokes while eating at the computer ask me how i know
lmao :y(one my speech therapists was a babe i didn't get that sort of incentive though :()
Sorry, pack of screen wipes required? ::)
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Irish girl in a car crash says, "I think I have concussion" paramedic asks, "how many fingers have I got up"? she replies, "Oh no! I think my f@nny's paralised too"!
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Three men with speech impediments are in therapy. Therapist is blonde, petite, fit as break. She says "If you can tell me where you live without stuttering, I'll suck your cock and you can cum in my mouth"
1st one stammers "BBBBirmingham" 2nd "MMMMMMMManchester" Then Paddy stands up, composes himself and says "London". She gets his cock out and gives them the best blowjob of his life, Just as he cums he sighs...."ddderrry"
never read jokes while eating at the computer ask me how i know
lmao :y(one my speech therapists was a babe i didn't get that sort of incentive though :()
Sorry, pack of screen wipes required? ::)
more like a box full ive not laughed so much in ages sides are killing me :y
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A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches maxine, Who's sitting all by herself....
Man: ' excuse me miss, may i buy you a cocktail?
Maxine: No, thankyou alcohol is bad for my legs,
man: I'm sorry to hear that, do they swell?
Maxine: No, they speard.
;D ;D ;D
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A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches maxine, Who's sitting all by herself....
Man: ' excuse me miss, may i buy you a cocktail?
Maxine: No, thankyou alcohol is bad for my legs,
man: I'm sorry to hear that, do they swell?
Maxine: No, they speard.
;D ;D ;D
wife's in stitches maria,your going to have me blushing ;D :y
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Q what's long, hard and full of seamen?
A A submarine
;D ;D ;D
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Q what's long, hard and full of seamen?
Groan :-/
A A submarine
;D ;D ;D
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A young girl joins a convent & is told by sister Mary she has to take a vow of silence. After 5 yrs she is called before sister Mary.
Sister Mary says "you have spent 5 yrs here my child,you may utter 2 words, choose them wisely". The young nun thinks for a minute & says "hard bed" Sister Mary promises to find a softer mattress.
After 10 yrs the young nun is given another 2 words. After a little thought she says "cold food" Sister Mary promises to get her meals to the table a little quicker. After 15 yrs. she can speak again. "I'd like to leave" she blurts out. Sister Mary replies
"Well break off then. You've done nothing but moan since you got here"!
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Two mates having a drink in a bar, the first one says to his mate "It's my fortieth wedding anniversary tomorrow." His mate asks "Can you remember the first time you and the wife made love?" He replied "The first time! I can't remember the last time."