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Mr Skrunts

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Joke Time
« on: 22 May 2008, 02:37:56 »

Going to be a Long Flight


A stranger was seated next to Joe on a plane. “Let’s talk,” he said to the guy. “I’ve heard that flights go a lot quicker if you can strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger.”

Closing the book he’d been reading, Joe looked at the man and said, “Okay. So what would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger with a shrug. “How about nuclear power?”

“That would be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first,” Joe said. “Horses, cows, and deer all eat grass. Yet deer excrete little pellets, cows turn out flat patties, and horses produce clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“You’ve got me there,” the stranger laughed. “I have no idea.”

“Well, then,” said Joe, “how is it you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #1 on: 22 May 2008, 02:40:13 »

Patient Information


A woman called a local hospital. “Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I’d like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse.”

The voice on the other end said, “What is the patient’s name and room number?”

“Sarah Finkel, room 302.”

“I’ll connect you with the nursing station.”

“3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?”

“I’d like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302.” “Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she’s had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon.”

The woman said, “What a relief! Oh, that’s fantastic… that’s wonderful news!”

The nurse said, “From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!”

” Neither! I’m Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me shit.”
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #2 on: 22 May 2008, 03:48:53 »

True Confessions


Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a kleptomaniac. But don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will. We have been friends for too long.”

The second lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don’t interest me and never will. We have been friends for too long.”

“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”

The fourth lady stands up, says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!”
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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #3 on: 22 May 2008, 04:02:34 »

The Rules of Golf


Rule 1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Player should not be penalized for uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

Rule 2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and can play the ball from there.

Rule 3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging him or herself with a penalty stroke.

Rule 4. If a putt passes over a hole without dropping it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.

Rule 5. Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6. There is no penalty for so-called “out of bounds.” If penny pinching golf club owners bought sufficient land this would not occur. The golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7. There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard as golf balls should float. That they do not is a technical problem that manufacturers have yet to overcome. Golfers should not be punished for manufacturer’s shortcomings.

Rule 8. Advertisements proclaim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new clubs, balls, shoes etc. Since this is financially impossible for the average Senior Golfer, a stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.

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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #4 on: 22 May 2008, 04:04:15 »

The Yearly Physical


An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, “I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample.”

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells, “What? What did he say?”

His wife yells back, “Give the doctor your underwear.”
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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #5 on: 22 May 2008, 04:05:15 »

What a Coincidence


A man sat at a local bar and said, “This is a special day, I’m celebrating.”

“What a coincidence,” said the woman next to him. “I’m celebrating, too” she replied, clinking glasses with him. “What are your celebrating?”

“I’m a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally fertile.”

“What a coincidence”, the woman said. “My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!”

“How did your chickens become fertile?” she asked.

“I switched cocks,” he replied.

“What a coincidence,” she said.
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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #6 on: 22 May 2008, 04:06:02 »

Male or Female?


Ziploc Bags: They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

Copiers: They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective productive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

Tire: Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.

Hot Air Balloon: Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.

Sponges: Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.

Web Page: Female, because it’s always getting hit on

Subway: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

Hourglass: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

Hammer: Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.

Remote Control: Female. You thought it’d be male but consider this; it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #7 on: 22 May 2008, 04:12:07 »

Trading Places


A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: “Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.”

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit. Then he went grocery shopping, drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then he set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.”
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Jimbob

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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #8 on: 22 May 2008, 08:00:27 »

 ;D ;D ;D

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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #9 on: 22 May 2008, 09:12:54 »

I laugh that much that i nearly choked on my fruit 'n fibre i was eating so i just put it down untill i had read all jokes, they are brilliant skruntie ;D ;D ;D :y
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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #10 on: 22 May 2008, 09:14:36 »

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Joke Time
« Reply #11 on: 22 May 2008, 22:50:01 »

The Talking Dog



This guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered this gift at a pretty young age and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So, I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. I married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed! He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, “ten bucks and the dog is yours.”

The guy says he’ll buy him but asks the owner, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?”

The owner replies, “because he’s such a damn liar!”
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