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[Mr Skrunts]

Beware Of The Kids.

A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his Mum is cooking and says, "Mum, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of Dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"

The startled mother tries to recover quickly and says, "Your Dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."
The little kid just shakes his head and says, "You're wasting your time. When you go to work, the lady next door comes over and blows him right back up again."

[Entwood]

 

[Mr Skrunts]

Vaseline Market Research

  
A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"  
 
 She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.   I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"  
 
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."  

[Mr Skrunts]

Tesco Scam BEWARE

I don't know if you shop at Tesco, but this may be useful to know.

I am informing you of this to warn you of something that has happened to me as I have become a victim of a very clever scam whilst out shopping.

This happened to me at Tesco's in Sussex and it could happen to you.

Here's how the scam works:

Two extremely good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping in the boot they both start wiping your windscreen with a rag and Windolene, whilst doing so their breasts almost fall out of their skimpy T-shirts, it is impossible not to look.

When you thank the young ladies and offer them a tip for an extremely good and thoroughly enjoyable service they respectfully decline and instead ask you to give them a lift to another Tesco store, being a gentleman you agree and they get into the back seat.

On the way to the store they start having sex with each other, then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts to performs oral sex on you while the other one steals your wallet.

This is no joke I've had my wallet stolen five times in the last week.

Don't let this happen to you!

[Mr Skrunts]

A guy goes to the Doctors with a orange Kn*b:

Doctor: “Do you work with chemicals?”
Patient: ”No”

Doctor: “Do you do any heavy lifting?”
Patient: “No”

Doctor: “Then what do you do?”
Patient: “Sit at home watch porn and eat Wotsits?”