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[Mr Skrunts]

Vacuum salesman



A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horse dung all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horse dung, I'll eat every chunk of it." She says, "You want tomato sauce on that? We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

[Mr Skrunts]

Call in sick



Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt, I not come work."

The boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house.

[Mr Skrunts]

Who am I



One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night." The Mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies," Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning." We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Holiday cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I."

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"
Bob continues between hung over gasps,"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "units" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The Mailman laughs and says," Damn I am sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds," your name was guessed at least four or five times."

[waspy]

 

[Mr Skrunts]

The hired hand



One day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

[Mr Skrunts]

Three knots



An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old times sake. He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her, draping his sailor suit across the bed.

He's goin' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doin'?"

The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

What's that?" he asks.

She says, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"

[waspy]

Excellent one's

[Mr Skrunts]

Speeding ticket



Bob was driving home after a day at the construction site; over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?" Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at the young bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob said, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a thingy stretcher," replied Bob.

"What you say, BOY?!!" asked the patrolman. "A thingy stretcher."

Of course the cop asked, "What's a thingy stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "Girls call me up and say they want to be stretched so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot thingy?"

Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge!"


Bloody word sensor. 

[Mr Skrunts]

Insulting



On arriving home, Norm was met at the door by his sobbing wife, Cheri' who tearfully explained, "It was the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone." Norm immediately drove in to town to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before Norm could say no more than a few words, the druggist hollered, "Now, just a minute, you hold on! Please just listen to my side of it... This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I got up late. I had no breakfast and hurried half dressed, out to the car, only to realize that I had just locked the house with both house and car keys inside.

I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. and then three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up, and I started waiting on them, and all the time the damn phone was ringing off the hook."

The druggist continued, "Then breaking a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, I spilled them all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the damn phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles all of them fell to the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the damn phone is has not stopped ringing for a second and when I finally got to answer it. It was your wife, Cheri' wanting to know how to use a digital rectal thermometer... and honest Norm, all I did was really tell her!"

[waspy]

Another

 

[Mr Skrunts]

The mailman



After 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood, the mailman was going to retire. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced!

When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

'All of this was just too wonderful for words', he said; 'But what's the dollar for'?

'Well', she said, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; 'Screw him. Give him a dollar'. 'The breakfast was my idea!!'

[Mr Skrunts]

At the adult video store



A girl gets hired as a cashier at an adult video store.
Before leaving for lunch the boss says, "try to sell some of those sex toys & vibrators". A moment later, the girl sees a women come in the store so she points out the shelf of dildos and vibrators. The woman browses in disinterest, and says, "How much is that plaid one?"

Later the boss returns and asks if it's been busy. "No", says the cashier, "but I sold your thermos for $30.00!"

[Mr Skrunts]

New corporate policy



Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the crappity smack do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No crappity smacking way.

TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my crappity smacking problem.

TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the crappity smack?

TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won't work.

TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
crappity smack it, I'm on salary.

TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.

TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the crappity smack you're doing.

Thank You,
Human Resources




Hehe, love the word sensor again.   

[waspy]

All excellent

[Ziad]

 

All of them