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[Diamond Black Geezer]

And now for my Jeremy Clarkson moment... 

Does anyone else play the 'guess the car intention by the maker' game? By which I mean - if you see a car on a roundabout, with its indicator on right, this suggests that the car is intending to stay on the roundabout for the immediate future. However...

-if it's a Ka or a small Kia, then the car's direction is likely to change at any second, unexpectedly.

-If no indicators are used, then it's a BMW - unless it is indicating - in which case the car is about to turn in the opposite direction to which the indicators suggest. Also remember Audis are to be regarded in the same manner - no use of indicators.

-If you see a Meriva coming, then you have plenty of time to get on the roundabout, exit, and possibly make a small sandwich, the Meriva will still not have actually made it to the point of entry. For some reason they are always going much slower than they appear. This used to be the preserve of the Mk 2 Micra, before then Metro driver and previously to that Nissan Bluebird.

-Golf GTis, now this is interesting - if it's a Mk 1 or II, it will be driving skilfully and will indicate as per the highway code - if it is Mk III, then we've a half-way house, possibly good, possibly bad. Take note of wheel size - the larger the worse driving. Mk IVs and Vs are driven by people who don't realise they own a GTi, they got it because their brother told them to buy a Golf. Mk VIs are driven exclusively by estate agents who are hoping to graduate to a BMW or Audi one day.

-There is an unwritten code of conduct - for some reason fellow Vauxhalls let me out of side roads etc.. one assumes they are paying due deference to the best car Luton (well, Russelsheim) ever made and wish for myself to progress unhindered. Possibly Omega taxis think I am another taxi 

-Exception to the Vauxhall rule is green Corsas with white stripes, wheels and door mirrors. They don't have any awareness that there are other cars on the road, they just thought that the roads were built especially for them. These unintentionally use roundabouts as a brief way of showing other road users and their passenger an example of how lift off understeer works. They will consequently be dumped by text shortly after driving that week's female companion off back at her parents' house.

-Any Hyundai features their left indicator permanently on from the factory, after several thousands hours the bulbs blow, thus rendering them apparently the same as other road users, but beware, now 50% of their indicators are non-functioning they may appear to be a pseudo-BMW/Audi driver. This they are not. They are simply concerned that they know they have to be at the Clinic, but don't know if it's a Wednesday or a Thursday. And will be doing 29.8mph on all roads, in all conditions.

-Current model Range Rovers are fitted with a two-stage cruise control system which means they do 40 mph round town and 80mph on motorways and nothing in between. Any obstacle is simple run over, and changing lanes is done immediately and without fuss, nor indicators, it is simply assumed that as every other road user is most likely a member of the working classes, who probably don't even own any land, they will get out of the way.

-Range Rover Evoques don't move. They are installed by the Land Rover dealerships outside Bistros, Health and Beauty Salons, Wine Bars, and Coffee Shops, on the driveways of anyone whose front porch has non-functional neo-classical white columns and a staffy bull terrier eating the remains of a Gucci purse; and any bar where a sandwich costs more than £8. Contrary to the brochure, only 4 Evoques were fitted with engines and tested by the Press. As I say the ones you see are simply hollow fibreglass mockups or engineless decoys.

-If the car is less than 4m long (so superminis, citycars etc) and has more than 3 large dings or scraped sides from bollards keep at least 45ft from it at all times. If someone can't park a car that size, they are incapable of driving at the speed they are doing competently. Indicators will be used, but only accidentally, and the brake lights will These are also found parked on corners, the yellow zig-zag lines outside school, over fire hydrants during a housefire, on yellow hatched areas at junctions, anywhere illegal. Because they will apparently ''just be a minute!" and that you should "Chill!"

If I've missed anything please feel free to add to it. It's the only way we will learn... 

[aaronjb]

You're either really bored, DBG or copied & pasted that 

Unfortunately, this is so common that I doubt there is a cure for it.

7.62 or 5.56.

[Sir Tigger KC]

I think DBG needs to get out more!   

[Diamond Black Geezer]

Can you tell I'm bored at work??? 

[EMD]

Regardless of any / all of the circumstances, it is the drivers responsibility to ensure their vehicle is fit to drive on the public highway, therefore in my book, the driver didn't do this before setting off however and whenever the snow covered their windscreen.

+1 

[Kevin Wood]

Inappropriate use of headlights aghhh! my current bugbear.

Poorly aligned dipped beams that dazzle oncoming drivers.
One headlamp out. Can't be arsed to change the bulb. I'll use main beam instead.
Using main beams against traffic on a dual carriageway, but that's fine because the oncoming traffic has a whole 6' of grass verge between your bulbs and their rapidly desensitising retinas.
Not realising you have main beams fitted, meaning that you can't see far enough in front to do more than 25 MPH on a clear A road at night.
Not realising you have main beams fitted, nor that your husband was using them last night, hence the blue light on the dash that you haven't even noticed.
Not realising you have headlights or that it's dark (delete as applicable).

FFS! It's hardly difficult.

[EMD]

These nutters just want to jump in and turn a key , nowt else  auto lights auto handbrake auto wipers auto everything 

[Andy B]

Inappropriate use of headlights aghhh! my current bugbear.

Poorly aligned dipped beams that dazzle oncoming drivers.
One headlamp out. Can't be arsed to change the bulb. I'll use main beam instead.
Using main beams against traffic on a dual carriageway, but that's fine because the oncoming traffic has a whole 6' of grass verge between your bulbs and their rapidly desensitising retinas.
Not realising you have main beams fitted, meaning that you can't see far enough in front to do more than 25 MPH on a clear A road at night.
Not realising you have main beams fitted, nor that your husband was using them last night, hence the blue light on the dash that you haven't even noticed.
Not realising you have headlights or that it's dark (delete as applicable).

FFS! It's hardly difficult.

I was behind a dawdling Transit the other night on an unlit country road. We'd just driven out of a 40 limit (he'd been doing 35 at best, but the road is twisty) and his speed never altered in the now 60 limit, so I overtook. The reason why he was dawdling  .... he was driving on side lights    presumably his dipped were both u/s because when I got a suitable distance infront of him, his main beam came on! 

[Andy B]

These nutters just want to jump in and turn a key , nowt else  auto lights auto handbrake auto wipers auto everything 

Which don't usually put them on in fog ..... just when you'd expect to put lights on.

[05omegav6]

Why are people defending this nutter? Firstly they were recorded on dashcam for 3 miles, and continued for longer. All this "what if it just slid off the roof" business, I follow with "do terror m their wipers not work?". No defence for this at all. If you suddenly can't see, hazards on, gradually slow to a stop changing lane to the hard shoulder if possible

Never said owt about defending this individuals actions... Having had wipers freeze to the screen whilst travelling at speed, I can sympathise with the predicament is all... Ok their reaction to the situation wasn't great, but at least they didn't totally lose it and stop in lane three to deal with it... Quite agree that it should never have been an issue in the first place

[dbug]

These nutters just want to jump in and turn a key , nowt else  auto lights auto handbrake auto wipers auto everything

Touch of jealousy?? - although I've turned auto lights off as they can be a bit of a pain.

[Andy B]

... although I've turned auto lights off as they can be a bit of a pain.

Never really had a problem with mine ..... though sometimes in fog they don't think it's dark enough to turn them on

[4x4]

Some people who have these so called super mini/smaller cars that are disabled,makes me laugh when you see them parked in diasbled parking bays,never parked correctly,but always nearly parked on 1 off the lines,and upon closer inspection,car is covered in scraps and dents.

[TheBoy]

These nutters just want to jump in and turn a key , nowt else  auto lights auto handbrake auto wipers auto everything

Touch of jealousy?? - although I've turned auto lights off as they can be a bit of a pain.

I'm slightly concerned with autolights, as all cars I've driven with it seem to be a bit slow to respond (IMHO, anyway). But such feature can be turned off/overridden

I find auto wipers frustrating, usually to eager to wipe.  In the case of the Omega, further annoyance that there isn't an intermittent wipe.

The only car I've driven long enough to get used to it with an electronic handbrake is an early Insignia.  Like lane changing indicators, you get used to it after a while, and miss it when you don't have it

[YZ250]

 If no indicators are used, then it's a BMW ........

Not heard that one before. 

.............
Mk VIs are driven exclusively by estate agents who are hoping to graduate to a BMW or Audi one day.

Ah, you've redeemed yourself slightly.