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Author Topic: moral dilemna - advice sought  (Read 3527 times)

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peter.pan

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moral dilemna - advice sought
« on: 02 August 2012, 21:04:11 »

I'm a regular poster on here, but set up a new account to ask this question anonymously, cos I
don't know where else to turn  :(
Obviously the admins will have access to my real details, but I would be very grateful if they could
respect my privacy
I need some objective opinions but please be aware that I'm definitely NOT objective in my
description of the situation

I am in a long term "friends with benefits" relationship with a women I have known for over 20 years.
Let's call her "tiger lily"
We tried a full time relationship, and it didn't work for us, but we really are VERY good friends, and I am
very much in love with her.

She is a (young) widow with a very good "death in (uniformed) service" pension and two school-age
kids (3 y/o girl and 12 y/o boy)

She has recently started a steady relationship with an older man who *seems* to be a decent bloke,
he has moved in with her "temporarily" whilst refurbishing a new house he has bought (he's just moved to area
after the breakdown of his marriage - he has two adult sons).
He has become a father figure to the children, especially the son who is badly missing his dad.

The problem I have boils down to one thing - I visited the other day and b/f was *in* the bath with
the baby girl.
Might be innocent, but...

TigerLily trusts me completely, and if I voice my concerns it will DEFINITELY damage her relationship with
her b/f, but might also spoil our friendship.
If I don't voice my concerns, and it turns out to be something sinister, then that will be MUCH worse.

She's tried to discuss her relationship with b/f with me - I always tell her my opinion , with the caveat "I'm biased".
because I am.

ask for any further info, but

PLEASE HELP.


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Murph

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Re: moral dilemna - advice sought
« Reply #1 on: 02 August 2012, 21:11:06 »

As a complete outsider....
IMO something needs  to be said.
As you say it may be innocent but then what if it isnt?  Yes your relationship may change but you have to ask yourself what is more important... your relationship with your lady friend or the wellbeing of her kids?

Of course I may be biased myself as I have dealt with the aftermath of child abuse.
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peter.pan

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Re: moral dilemna - advice sought
« Reply #2 on: 02 August 2012, 21:13:40 »


Of course I may be biased myself as I have dealt with the aftermath of child abuse.

So have I, and so has tiger lily.
which makes it worse, if I'm wrong.
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Murph

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Re: moral dilemna - advice sought
« Reply #3 on: 02 August 2012, 21:20:23 »

But then if she has dealt with this then she would see this as grossly inappropriate, and would want to be told.

I would if it were my kids.
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tigers_gonads

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Re: moral dilemna - advice sought
« Reply #4 on: 02 August 2012, 21:24:08 »

As you know, I love a good rant on here when im in the mood and what your describing is one of the things that turns my gut the most.
I also have had dealings with these scum as I have said in the past.

This time I would keep my mouth shut BUT keep a very close watching brief on the situation.

What you saw, 30 or 40 years ago wouldn't have set so many alarm bells ringing but sadly the world we live in has changed.

If you get anymore gut feelings about this bloke THAT YOU CAN BACKUP with things that have been seen or things you have heard, don't hesitate to pick the phone up to the police and tell them everything you know.
Sadly if it screws up your relationship with this lass then I take no pleasure in saying this but its tuff  :(

The kids always come first and must be protected  :)
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Turk

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Re: moral dilemna - advice sought
« Reply #5 on: 02 August 2012, 21:24:54 »

A tough one indeed, and yes, needs to be handled carefully.

Where was the mother at this 'bathtime' and when you say 'recently started a steady relationship', roughly how long is 'recently' ?
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albitz

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Re: moral dilemna - advice sought
« Reply #6 on: 02 August 2012, 21:29:04 »

A grown man having a bath with a young child which isnt his own is imo completely innapropriate.Its just wrong.
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tigers_gonads

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Re: moral dilemna - advice sought
« Reply #7 on: 02 August 2012, 21:33:42 »

A grown man having a bath with a young child which isnt his own is imo completely innapropriate.Its just wrong.

2 people, both got kids from previous relationships get together in a serious relationship, you have to take on each others kids if it is to work  ;)

I'd still watch the f**ker like a hawk tho  ;)
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peter.pan

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Re: moral dilemna - advice sought
« Reply #8 on: 02 August 2012, 21:34:50 »

A tough one indeed, and yes, needs to be handled carefully.

Where was the mother at this 'bathtime' and when you say 'recently started a steady relationship', roughly how long is 'recently' ?

shopping with me.  :(
she is disabled, and her carer was also in the house (but in the kitchen).

tiger lily has known b/f''s mother for 5 years.
been dating b/f since january (ish) and he moved in easter time (ish) - certainly not (IMO) enough time
to have his feet that far under the table ( but I'm biased)
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dbug

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Re: moral dilemna - advice sought
« Reply #9 on: 02 August 2012, 21:37:22 »

Inappropriate mate  >:(
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albitz

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Re: moral dilemna - advice sought
« Reply #10 on: 02 August 2012, 21:41:17 »

A grown man having a bath with a young child which isnt his own is imo completely innapropriate.Its just wrong.

2 people, both got kids from previous relationships get together in a serious relationship, you have to take on each others kids if it is to work  ;)

I'd still watch the f**ker like a hawk tho  ;)

Take them on by all means,but have a bath with them alone ? Never. I would be having a sensitive chat with the mother and try to make her see that something may not be right here. ;)
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peter.pan

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Re: moral dilemna - advice sought
« Reply #11 on: 02 August 2012, 21:41:34 »

A grown man having a bath with a young child which isnt his own is imo completely innapropriate.Its just wrong.

2 people, both got kids from previous relationships get together in a serious relationship, you have to take on each others kids if it is to work  ;)

I'd still watch the f**ker like a hawk tho  ;)

I wouldn't be so worried if he had female children - then I could see how they act around him.
The abusive stepfather is such a stereotype, but it happens.

Unfortunately, I can't be there 24/7  - tiger lily and I have a "complicated" relationship, and b/f isn't particularly keen on it.
(which is another reason for my bias)
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Murph

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Re: moral dilemna - advice sought
« Reply #12 on: 02 August 2012, 21:43:53 »

I got with my wife in 2000 and took on her four kids (3 of which are girls) at the same time.
The youngest girl was 3 then, and there is NO WAY I would have behaved like that even though my missus trusts me 100% with the kids - it would just be wrong!
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albitz

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Re: moral dilemna - advice sought
« Reply #13 on: 02 August 2012, 21:44:56 »

I dont think your being biased at all tbh.Just a sensible adult who has that gut feeling that it isnt right.Even if it is innocent,surely he must realise the possible accusations he is leaving himself open to ?
If the child tells friends or schoolteachers etc. about it,social services will probably be hammering on the door sharpish. Someone who doesnt consider that possibilty in this day & age would have to be extremely naive surely ?
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Turk

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Re: moral dilemna - advice sought
« Reply #14 on: 02 August 2012, 21:45:55 »

How is you're relationship with the Carer ?   Can you discuss the matter without it getting back to anyone else ?
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