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[Mr Skrunts]

Salvation



It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath, and young nun Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!”

[Mr Skrunts]

Key to Her Heart


One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, “Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door.”

The guy says, “Well, give me some examples.”

The girlfriend proceeds to tell him, “Well the first way is, if a guy shoves his key in the lock, and opens the door hard, then that means he is a rough lover and that isn’t for me.”

“The second way is if a man fumbles around and can’t seem to find the hole than that means he is inexperienced and that isn’t for me either.”

Then she said, “Honey, how do you unlock your door?”

He then proceeded to say, “Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock.”

[Mr Skrunts]

Job Well Done


One night, a man and a woman are at a bar downing a few beers. They strike up a conversation and quickly discover that they’re both doctors.

After about an hour, the man says to the woman, “Hey, how about we sleep together tonight? No strings attached. It’ll just be one night of fun.”

The woman agrees. So they go back to her place. She goes into the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she’s about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10-20 minutes. Finally, she goes into the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, “You’re a surgeon, aren’t you?”

She replied, “Yeah, how did you know?”

He said, “I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started.”

“Oh, that makes sense,” says the woman. “You’re an anesthesiologist, aren’t you?” she asked.

“Yeah,” says the man, a bit taken aback. “How did you know?”

“Because I didn’t feel a thing.”

[Mr Skrunts]

The Mailman


One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Bob the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

“Wow Bob, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night.” The Mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies,” Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.” We had a about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for the Christmas Cheer and got a bit wild. Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”

The Mailman thinks a moment and says, ” How do you play that?”

Bob continues between hung over gasps,” Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.”

The Mailman laughs and says,” Damn I am sorry I missed that.”

“Probably a good thing you did,” Bob responds,” your name was guessed four or five times.”

[Mr Skrunts]

Trick or Treating


Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex

10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave you candy.

6. Its OK when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else,
because you ARE someone else.

5. 40 years from now, you’ll still enjoy candy.

4. If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door.

3. Doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning.

AND….

1. You can do the whole neighborhood!!!

[Mr Skrunts]

More tomorrow folks.  

[Entwood]

 

 

[Mr Skrunts]

Stress Management


Just in case you’ve had a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called the world.

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a scade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

[Mr Skrunts]

A Costly Mistake


A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all subsequent copies.

The head abbot replies, “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

So, the head monk goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by, and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young new monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for the elder monk. He sees him banging his head against the floor. His forehead is all bloody and bruised, and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word is celebrate!”

[Mr Skrunts]

She is So Blonde


She is so blonde that…

She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
On a job application where it says “Sign here:” she wrote “Sagittarius.”
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
Under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “Concentrate.”
She told me to meet her at the corner of “Walk” and “Don’t Walk”.
She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
She studied for a blood test.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” she went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said “TGIF,” which she thought stood for “This Goes In Front.”
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

[Mr Skrunts]

A Dilemma


A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man’s head. The wife shouted, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser and for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, “What the hell would you do?”

The cabby said, “I’d cover his ass up with that blanket quick before he catches a cold.”

[Jimbob]

 

[maria]

brilliant  

[Entwood]

 

and they say "blondes have more fun"..... is that because they just don't have a clue what is going on around them ??  

[maria]

and they say "blondes have more fun"..... is that because they just don't have a clue what is going on around them ??  

I would'nt know i'm not a blonde entwood