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[chrisgixer]

Certain parents in the family live a fair way away, relatively speaking. Its a 3 hour drive. They live by the sea, and love their house. A four bed house, main bedroom upstairs, miles from a decent hospital. The nearest neighbours are four doors away and are infirm, or in summer there's holiday makers everywhere and they withdraw until they all clear off Afaict.
 Its bleak in winter, roads are a bit remote and the family, who all have jobs have to live more central in the south of the country.

 There has been a family discussion and it's been accepted they need to move nearer other more mobile family members. Half the battle over you might think, but no. Numerous solutions and options have been offered, and at every stage some reason has been offered as to why those solutions are unacceptable. Some exceptional property options are available in some beautiful and far nearer locations. Far better than where they live now.

 The rest of the family have all offered to designate a certain week/weekend to help them move. Properties have been found. Solutions offered. Yet their house is yet to go on the market.

 There have been two health scares over recent months. Which you might think would bring things home a bit. But no.

 To the point that today we get a call in the early hours, Dad is in hospital. Severe head ache and loss of site in one eye. Mum can't drive, well she can, but isn't confident getting the car out of the garage or driving the route to the hospital. So taxi back and forth to feed the pets while tests ate done. Nobody knows weather to drive over and help Mum until the tests are done, is he going home tonight or not...


Anyway, you get the picture. What can we do before it gets to the point that its all too late and we wish we'd done something sooner...? Its unfair on Mum, being left to deal with everything on her own, its unfair on the rest of the family who worry waiting for the phone to ring after the next health scare. Its unfair on Dad, laid a hospital bed on his own with no family support.

But what to do....?

[Varche]

Tricky situation with a lot of inertia. If you have happily lived somewhere for a long time it is hard to get in gear to move house.

Short term your Mum I am sure would value company and being driven to and from hospital. Is there a spare room? Being there now and talking over moves(at the appropriate time) might help.

You could also try ringing the hospital ward and ask what time scales are for your fathers release so "you can make plans". I did that when my Mum broke her hip and travelled immediately as they said she will "be out on Monday". In the event it was a further 12 days.

[05omegav6]

Firstly, sorry to here that, hopefully nothing too serious, at least if he's in hospital at least they'll be able to react to the test results swiftly. If I can be of any assistance, just shout

Secondly, that's a tricky one, and from bitter experience an issue that can split families

(very)Short term, get over to your parents house, via the hospital, if that's where your Mum is currently. Get her and the pets fed, then wait to see a) what the tests say, and b) what the next step is wrt your Dad.

What happens long term depends on alot of variables, but first up, if noone else is prepared to, infact regardless, take the initiative on this, sit your Mum, and Dad if he's able, and have a serious conversation with them. Ultimately someone will need to move... this might be easier if it's both parties Make it a mutual compromise rather than a 'You must move to the bungalow next door', that way you can combine your efforts into finding a better suited property for all your needs without it being an ultimatum.

Joking aside, if the bungalow next door is on the market or is a rental property, then it has potential.

Whatever decision is reached, include your siblings, keep any financial arrangements transparent, this should help prevent any animosity that usually appears when family, responsibilities and finances are put in the same sentence

One way or tother, someone needs to be closer in the long run, and it will undoubtedly be logistically better for your parents to move somewhere more central. If your Parents are adamant that they won't move, then you'll either need to accept this and work around it as a family, or move nearer, both easier said than done. Someone should probably be in their car by now though

[chrisgixer]

Yeah we're dong all that stuff. There is a very strong bond between them and family members. Especially the Mum. Everyone agrees its the best thing to do, yet the excuses keep coming.


Re short term, there's definite resistance about involving anyone else. The one I keep hearing is "we don't want to be a burden" well, of that's really how they feel, then moving is the lest burden to everyone.

I have considered the bungalow next door. But its only recently been rented out again. Plus, they don't want to rent. While there's some definite acceptance of the idea, there s a whole load of excuses against it. I don't think it will ever happen tbh.

[redelitev6]

  Been through this with my parents , any changes in their life meant accepting that death was inevitable , so they try and deny it for as long as possible , plus they seem to think everyone is trying to get their money . 

[05omegav6]

Been through this with my parents , any changes in their life meant accepting that death was inevitable , so they try and deny it for as long as possible , plus they seem to think everyone is trying to get their money .

Solution to that is sell the house and give the money to Cunard for an indefinite world cruise. They get attended to, and the cash gets spent making the most of it

[Taxi_Driver]

Sorry to hear about this Chris.... 

What about having a stair lift fitted either at their present home or if theres a house nearer to you, they would go for.... 

[chrisgixer]

Well, he's back at home. 3hours waiting for a Taxi as the first one didn't show.

They now have to go passed the same hospital to get to the next nearest one tomorrow for further eye tests. And of course, he can't drive.

[Taxi_Driver]

Well, he's back at home. 3hours waiting for a Taxi as the first one didn't show.

They now have to go passed the same hospital to get to the next nearest one tomorrow for further eye tests. And of course, he can't drive.

Christ.....Taxi Al isnt that bad is he 

Seriously tho....glad he's back at home.....enquire about patient transport....if you phone the hospital....say your father cannot make the appoinment as he cannot get there....ie carnt use public transport, carnt afford a taxi/etc .... they should send patient transport in this case.....ie a taxi or an nhs vehicle....which would be paid for by the nhs 

[chrisgixer]

Well, he's back at home. 3hours waiting for a Taxi as the first one didn't show.

They now have to go passed the same hospital to get to the next nearest one tomorrow for further eye tests. And of course, he can't drive.

Christ.....Taxi Al isnt that bad is he   

Seriously tho....glad he's back at home.....enquire about patient transport....if you phone the hospital....say your father cannot make the appoinment as he cannot get there....ie carnt use public transport, carnt afford a taxi/etc .... they should send patient transport in this case.....ie a taxi or an nhs vehicle....which would be paid for by the nhs 

Thanks TD. That might be what they mean by Taxi. They originally said they where waiting for a car.


Now, if they lived nearer, in a bungalow next door, or in a decent Annex as has been suggested to them, then non of that would be a problem. I'm off shift every other week for a start. 

[Taxi_Driver]

Well, he's back at home. 3hours waiting for a Taxi as the first one didn't show.

They now have to go passed the same hospital to get to the next nearest one tomorrow for further eye tests. And of course, he can't drive.

Christ.....Taxi Al isnt that bad is he   

Seriously tho....glad he's back at home.....enquire about patient transport....if you phone the hospital....say your father cannot make the appoinment as he cannot get there....ie carnt use public transport, carnt afford a taxi/etc .... they should send patient transport in this case.....ie a taxi or an nhs vehicle....which would be paid for by the nhs 

Thanks TD. That might be what they mean by Taxi. They originally said they where waiting for a car.


Now, if they lived nearer, in a bungalow next door, or in a decent Annex as has been suggested to them, then non of that would be a problem. I'm off shift every other week for a start. 

That makes sense if it was patient transport that took him home....Ariva (who provide this service, just recently) are not quite getting there act together yet....

Big clue tho.....ask your parents if it was free or they paid for the taxi (car) , if they didnt pay it would have been patient transport 

[scimmy_man]

This sounds like my in laws,

she decided they needed to move 50 miles away (to the dales)from both daughters at 60, we were 20 miles away already but the other daughter was 5 miles, it meant he had to retire early.

couple of years ago father in law has heart attack and after 10 days in hospital passes away, ever since mother in law has been moaning that she never sees her family even though the girls and grandkids go every other week, she never comes here,

now the house she is renting (sold up locally to rent) is too big so she needs someting smaller, she cant find anything,we offered to buy something for her to live in and pay rent? 
not good enough. I feel like washing my hands, as tall stories and lies she has told other people come back every now and again.

[Rods2]

Hold a family meeting with them. Outline the problems and possible solutions and each time they come up with an objection, find an acceptable answer, until they run out of objections. At this point outline what has been agreed and what the plan is with who is doing what with a time scale and then say to them that is all agreed then? At this point shut up as you must wait for them to answer, if they agree than implement the action plan, if they have more objections, find solutions until they run out again, then outline what they have agree etc.

This is a standard high pressure selling technique, but it does get results, in this case where you have their best interests at heart and you need a solution for their sake, I can't see such a technique being morally wrong as you would kick yourself if something happens that could of been avoided if your family had acted sooner and more assertively.

It is then important that each family member does their jobs in a timely manner, so if you have agreed to contact the local estate agents to make valuation appointments on Monday morning then you have to make sure that you do.

HTH

[pscocoa]

Chris - as you know I have had similar issues for some years. The last thing you need is for your own family and health to suffer because parents want to cling on to their surroundings for as long as possible.

I had private carers going in a few times a day as necessary to keep things under control and this worked fine as it was the same carers all the time not an agency type thing where it can be a different one almost every week.

[chrisgixer]

Hold a family meeting with them. Outline the problems and possible solutions and each time they come up with an objection, find an acceptable answer, until they run out of objections. At this point outline what has been agreed and what the plan is with who is doing what with a time scale and then say to them that is all agreed then? At this point shut up as you must wait for them to answer, if they agree than implement the action plan, if they have more objections, find solutions until they run out again, then outline what they have agree etc.

This is a standard high pressure selling technique, but it does get results, in this case where you have their best interests at heart and you need a solution for their sake, I can't see such a technique being morally wrong as you would kick yourself if something happens that could of been avoided if your family had acted sooner and more assertively.

It is then important that each family member does their jobs in a timely manner, so if you have agreed to contact the local estate agents to make valuation appointments on Monday morning then you have to make sure that you do.

HTH

Yeah we've not met yet have we Rods because if we had you'd know that there are some people in life that see that sort of approach as a challenge.

And knowing the individuals involved, which I haven't really given you a clue on to be fair, that would probably instigate one of those family family splits mentioned earlier. Which would be very very upsetting for this particular house hold.

There are some people in life that can be pushed, and some that can be pulled. This is most definitely the latter. Actually that's arguable but we're most certainly not looking at a confrontational approach. We all, in the family, know that won't work.


The latest thinking is that as this is a more serious incident, that the penny might drop. Assuming there's reasonable recovery of course. I don't see it myself.