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Author Topic: Joke Time - Sunday  (Read 1118 times)

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Mr Skrunts

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Joke Time - Sunday
« on: 13 July 2008, 16:14:53 »

[size=14]The Rules by which females are governed [/size]

[size=14]
The FEMALE always makes the rules.


The RULES are subject to change at any time without prior notification...by the FEMALE.


No MALE can possibly know all the RULES.


If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows all the RULES, she must immediately change some or all of them.


The FEMALE is never wrong.


If the FEMALE is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.


The MALE must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstandings.


The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.


The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.


The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.


The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry or upset.


The FEMALE must, under no circumstances, let the MALE know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.


The Male is expected to "mind read" at all times.


The MALE who doesn't abide by THE RULES; can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp!


Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.


The FEMALE is ready when SHE is ready.


The MALE must be ready at ALL times
 
  [/size]
« Last Edit: 13 July 2008, 16:24:44 by skruntie »
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Joke Time - Sunday
« Reply #1 on: 13 July 2008, 16:17:21 »

[size=14]Perfect Man, Perfect Woman

There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.

One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.

Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two died and one lived.

Who died and who lived?

The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real.

[/size]


Edit :-  who writes this crap
« Last Edit: 13 July 2008, 16:24:32 by skruntie »
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Joke Time - Sunday
« Reply #2 on: 13 July 2008, 16:21:27 »

[size=14]The Chastity Belt

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires: "I'm leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key as I'm sure she will have needs."

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key."[/size]
« Last Edit: 13 July 2008, 16:24:56 by skruntie »
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Joke Time - Sunday
« Reply #3 on: 13 July 2008, 16:24:21 »

[size=14]Three Women in Heaven

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!" [/size]
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Joke Time - Sunday
« Reply #4 on: 13 July 2008, 16:26:02 »

[size=14]A Thoughtful Husband

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water.

His wife asks, "What's that for?" "It's for your headache." "I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"[/size]
« Last Edit: 13 July 2008, 16:29:18 by skruntie »
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Re: Joke Time - Sunday
« Reply #5 on: 13 July 2008, 16:29:06 »

[size=14]The Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... " [/size]
« Last Edit: 13 July 2008, 16:29:25 by skruntie »
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Jimbob

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Re: Joke Time - Sunday
« Reply #6 on: 13 July 2008, 16:50:29 »
 ;D ;D ;D
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kris9128

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Re: Joke Time - Sunday
« Reply #7 on: 13 July 2008, 17:52:59 »
are you bored mate,   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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waspy

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Re: Joke Time - Sunday
« Reply #8 on: 13 July 2008, 18:03:08 »
 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y :y :y :y :y
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Joke Time - Sunday
« Reply #9 on: 13 July 2008, 18:17:54 »
Quote
are you bored mate,   ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Yes matey, I am, was going to go to bed and rest, but have now dcided to stay up and watch top gear then have an early night.   :y
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Field Marshal Dr. Opti

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Re: Joke Time - Sunday
« Reply #10 on: 13 July 2008, 19:05:04 »
Just where do yiu get all these jokes from Skruntie. ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Joke Time - Sunday
« Reply #11 on: 13 July 2008, 19:07:15 »
Quote
Just where do yiu get all these jokes from Skruntie. ;D ;D ;D ;D

Cant say, top secret,  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y :y
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HolyCount

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Re: Joke Time - Sunday
« Reply #12 on: 13 July 2008, 19:23:27 »
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Just where do yiu get all these jokes from Skruntie. ;D ;D ;D ;D

Cant say, top secret,  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y :y

Have you seen those loo rolls they sell at seafront "gift" shops ????  Full of .... erm ... inspiration  ::)
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Mr Skrunts

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Re: Joke Time - Sunday
« Reply #13 on: 13 July 2008, 19:33:29 »
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Just where do yiu get all these jokes from Skruntie. ;D ;D ;D ;D

Cant say, top secret,  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D :y :y

Have you seen those loo rolls they sell at seafront "gift" shops ????  Full of .... erm ... inspiration  ::)


Not been to the seaside efor ages.   ;D
« Last Edit: 13 July 2008, 19:34:48 by skruntie »
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