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Author Topic: Dear God - Joke  (Read 1415 times)

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Mr Skrunts

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Dear God - Joke
« on: 13 August 2008, 16:20:37 »
[size=12]
Dear God:

Yesterday was an awful day for me...

My husband ran off with his secretary,

My son pierced his eyebrow,

My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head,

My dog mated with the neighbors cat,

My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution,

My Mom told me I was adopted,

My Dad told me he's gay,

My boss told me I was laid off,

My sister was arrested for prostitution,

My house has termites,

My car was stolen,

All that came in the mail was bills,

A plane, crash landed on my garage,

OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner,

And my TV blew.

Lord, please be with me today.

I was able to live through all that misery yesterday.

And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please....

DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!![/size]
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Laws Of Computing
« Reply #1 on: 13 August 2008, 16:22:04 »

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.


10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
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Mr Skrunts

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Possible IBM acronyms
« Reply #2 on: 13 August 2008, 16:22:58 »

IBM: It's Being Mended
IBM: Inmense Ball of Muck
IBM: I Believe in Memorex
IBM: It's Better than Macintosh!
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Intense Bowel Movement
IBM: Inferior But Marketable?
IBM: I've Been Mislead
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh
IBM: Indefinitly Boggled Machine
IBM: I Bought a Mac
IBM: I Blame Microsoft.
IBM: I Bought Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I've Been Moved
IBM: I've Been Mugged
IBM: Incontinent Bowel Movement
IBM: Identical Blue Men
IBM: Idiotic Bit Masher
IBM: Idiots Become Managers
IBM: Incompatible Business Machines
IBM: Incredibly Boring Machine
IBM: Infernal Bloody Monopoly
IBM: Institute of Black Magic
IBM: Internal Beaurocratic Mess
IBM: International Brotherhood of Magicians
IBM: Intolerant of Beards and Mustaches
IBM: It'll Be Messy
IBM: It's Backwards, Man
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Morons
IBM: It Barely Moves
IBM: I Buy Mainframes
« Last Edit: 13 August 2008, 16:23:27 by skruntie »
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Mr Skrunts

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TOP 12 BUGS IN WINDOWS 2000
« Reply #3 on: 13 August 2008, 16:24:17 »

12. Every time you hit the space bar, hundreds of Ritz crackers fly out of the CD-ROM drive.

11. The so-called "help" file is really just a collection of lame "Chicken Soup for the Soul" anecdotes.

10. Refuses to install new programs until you've achieved "clear" status.

9. You hit "delete" and the guy in the next cubicle is instantly transported to Albuquerque.

8. In the middle of your fastest game of Minefield yet, the Stephen Hawking office assistant pops up and says, "It looks like you're trying to arrive at a Unified Field Theory. Can I help you?"

7. Incorrect installation of printer drivers launches a nuclear strike against France.

6. Dreaded "Blue Screen of Death" replaced by less fearsome "Hamster Dance Screen of Death."

5. Too easy to win new "Whack-a-Reno" game.

4. Default search options include "Body Cavity Search."

3. Replaces hilarious, intellectual, pithy Top5 list items with crude junior high school humor.

2. Any time you empty the Recycle Bin, NASA loses another Mars Lander.

1. Changes ".gov" domain to ".bite-me" domain every time.
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Mr Skrunts

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Programming language acronyms
« Reply #4 on: 13 August 2008, 16:25:25 »

ADA: A Dumb Arrangement
ADA: A Dumb Acronym
ADA: A Dumb Annoyance

BASIC: Boring And Shamelessly Idiotic Coders
BASIC: Badly Assembled, Severely Illogical Code
BASIC: Beginner's Algorithms for Seemingly Infinite Confusion

C: Crud
C: Confusing

COBOL: Completely Outdated, Badly Overused Language
COBOL: Completely Overused, Badly Outdated Language
COBOL: Cowards Only Buy Outdated Languages
COBOL: Cowards Only Build Outdated Languages
COBOL: Crap Operated By Obsessed lunatics
COBOL: Crap Often Bothers Our Lethargy
COBOL: Crap Ostracized By Our Loathing
COBOL: Compiles Only Because Of Luck
COBOL: Cumbersome, Overdone, Badly Organized Language
COBOL: Coded Only By Obsessed Lunatics

FORTRAN: Files Only Run Through Right At Never-land

LISP: Lots of Insanely Stupid Parentheses
LISP: Lots of Irritating Superfluous Parentheses

PASCAL: Programmers Against Structured Code And Language
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Mr Skrunts

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THE USER'S PRAYER
« Reply #5 on: 13 August 2008, 16:26:46 »

Dear God,

Help me log on without fretting
Guide me as I'm interneting
Bless my downloading and uploading
Keep my browser from exploding.

May my website be protected
Let not my password be rejected
Keep my line connection clear......
and let tech support be always near!

Please keep all my programs alive,
and be sure to back up my hard drive!
And protect my computer from catching
......a virus and end up crashing!
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Jimbob

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Re: Dear God - Joke
« Reply #6 on: 13 August 2008, 19:19:45 »
You forgot PCMCIA  :

People Can't Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms!


The IBM ones are mainly true worked for em for a few years, ways things are going may do again  :-X
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Re: Dear God - Joke
« Reply #7 on: 13 August 2008, 20:07:17 »
I am really proud that i got to 30 before having any use for a computer!!
I still find myself better at knitting fog!
Cheers Skruntie, feel better after reading those, maybe its not just me! ;D
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Re: Dear God - Joke
« Reply #8 on: 13 August 2008, 20:37:02 »
Quote
I am really proud that i got to 30 before having any use for a computer!!
I still find myself better at knitting fog!
Cheers Skruntie, feel better after reading those, maybe its not just me! ;D

:y :y :y :y
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Re: Dear God - Joke
« Reply #9 on: 13 August 2008, 21:06:35 »
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Re: Dear God - Joke
« Reply #10 on: 13 August 2008, 21:07:09 »
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Re: Dear God - Joke
« Reply #11 on: 13 August 2008, 21:08:56 »
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Re: Dear God - Joke
« Reply #12 on: 13 August 2008, 21:43:25 »
Hysterically true!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Re: Dear God - Joke
« Reply #13 on: 13 August 2008, 21:46:12 »

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Re: Dear God - Joke
« Reply #14 on: 13 August 2008, 21:47:01 »
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