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[mantagte]

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say,
‘What’cha gonna do about it?’
The poor little guy starts crying.
‘Come on man I was just giving you a hard time,’ the biker says. ‘I didn’t think you’d CRY.’ ‘I can’t stand to see a man crying.
‘This is the worst day of my life,’ says the little guy between sobs. ‘I can’t do anything right.’ ‘I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison.

[mantagte]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket.

If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.

He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail.

The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect),

"If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big.

Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?

"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"

"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked

"How much for a ride to the airport?"

The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went.

Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

[mantagte]

Superman was really bored one day, so he gave Batman a call.
Batman said Robin was ill, and he had to look after him.
A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers.
Spiderman told him that he had a date with Catwoman.
As a last resort, Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free.
As he landed on her balcony, he looked through the window and saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed.
Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could be in there, and be out again, before she knew what was happening."
So Superman did his Super Thing in a split second and flew off happily.
Meanwhile on the bed, Wonderwoman said, "Did you hear something?"
"No," said the Invisible Man, "but my @ss hurts like hell?"

[mantagte]

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.

But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blankly with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!

[Dusty]

I liked the first one best.

[waspy]

  Keep em coming