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[Mr Skrunts]

Peace Talks...

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for a round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking and after about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton on the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking, as Saddam falls about laughing. A few minutes later the second button is pressed, and this time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again, Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later, he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Stop this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Clinton says through tears of laughter... "What Baghdad?"

[Mr Skrunts]

BILL "PEARLY" GATES

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replied, "well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling peoples' pain." God thinks for a second and says, "okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then addresses Bill Gates; "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?" Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."

[Mr Skrunts]

Melts In Your Mouth


A tour bus driver is driving with a load of seniors down the highway when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts which he gratefully accepts and proceeds to eat. After a few minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. The little old lady repeats this gesture about three more times. When she is about to hand him another batch, he asks the little old lady, ” Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?”

“We can’t chew the peanuts because we’ve no teeth,” was her reply.

The confused driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?”

The little old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate coating!”

[Mr Skrunts]

Proof of Age


A retired man went into the social security office to apply for social security.

After waiting in line for what seemed like hours he finally got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the her that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back now?” he asks.

The woman says, “Please unbutton your shirt.”

So he unbuttons his shirt revealing a chest covered in grey hair.

She says, “That grey hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she approved his social security application.

When he got home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

His wife replied, “You should have dropped your pants, you would have qualified for disability, too.”

[Mr Skrunts]

Still Hot After 50 Years


An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary.

“You know” she said, “We were sitting in this very kitchen across from each other 50 years ago.”

“Yep” he said, “But we were probably naked.”

“So let’s get naked now!” she suggested.

So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other.

“You know” she said with a horny grin “My boobs feel just as hot for you today as they felt 50 years ago.”

He replied “I’m sure they do. One is in your coffee and the other one is in your oatmeal!”

[Mr Skrunts]

Fast Grannies


Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, said,”Officer, I don’t understand, I wasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?”

“Ma’am,” the officer said, “you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous”.

“Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour”, the old woman said proudly.

The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over.”

“Oh! they’ll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142!”

[The Red Baron]

Good uns yet again, the 1st one i like best.  

[mantagte]

excellent missed these keep em coming

[Mr Skrunts]

excellent missed these keep em coming

Will try and find some more for the weekend.