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[Mr Skrunts]

You live in California when…
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.

2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.

3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.

4. You know how to eat an artichoke.

5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.

6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York City when…
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.

4. You think Central Park is “nature,”

5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

6. You’ve worn out a car horn.

7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in upstate New York when…
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.

2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.

3. You have more than one recipe for moose.

4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.

5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You live in the Deep South when…
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.

2. “ya’ll” is singular and “all ya’ll” is plural.

3. After five years you still hear, “You ain’t from ’round here, are Ya?”

4. “He needed killin’ ” is a valid defense.

5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in Colorado when…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.

2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.

3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.

4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when…
1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.

2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.

3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.

4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”

5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”

You live in Florida when…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.

2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.

3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.

4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.

5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

[Mr Skrunts]

A man is at the desk in a hotel lobby. As he turns around to leave, he bumps into an attractive woman standing behind him. Unfortunately his elbow hit her square in the breast. The two of them are both pretty startled by the incident. The man turns to the woman and says, “Miss, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I just know you’ll forgive me.” To which the woman replies, “Sir, if your penis is as hard as your elbow, you can find me in room 234.”

[Mr Skrunts]

Sweet Job


Three men were on a trip in Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 gorgeous women. The men started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik walked in.

“I am the master of all these beautiful women. No one else can touch them except for me. You three men must pay dearly for what you have done today. The three of you will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.”

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. “I’m a police officer”, says the first man. “Then we will shoot your penis off!”, said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. “I’m a firemen”, said the second man. “Then we shall burn your penis off!”, said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?” The third man answered, with an ear to ear grin, “I’m a lollipop salesman!”

[crazyjoetavola]

A man is at the desk in a hotel lobby. As he turns around to leave, he bumps into an attractive woman standing behind him. Unfortunately his elbow hit her square in the breast. The two of them are both pretty startled by the incident. The man turns to the woman and says, “Miss, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I just know you’ll forgive me.” To which the woman replies, “Sir, if your thingy is as hard as your elbow, you can find me in room 234.”

  not bad Skruntie 

[crazyjoetavola]

Sweet Job [/quote

  better Skruntie 

[crazyjoetavola]

You live in California when…
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.  et al

The  latest comment on my signature line might well confirm this Skruntie :-/ :-/

[rikki_essex]

 

[Mr Skrunts]

Melts In Your Mouth


A tour bus driver is driving with a load of seniors down the highway when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts which he gratefully accepts and proceeds to eat. After a few minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. The little old lady repeats this gesture about three more times. When she is about to hand him another batch, he asks the little old lady, ” Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?”

“We can’t chew the peanuts because we’ve no teeth,” was her reply.

The confused driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?”

The little old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate coating!”

[crazyjoetavola]

Melts In Your Mouth


A tour bus driver is driving with a load of seniors down the highway when he is tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts which he gratefully accepts and proceeds to eat. After a few minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. The little old lady repeats this gesture about three more times. When she is about to hand him another batch, he asks the little old lady, ” Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?”

“We can’t chew the peanuts because we’ve no teeth,” was her reply.

The confused driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?”

The little old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate coating!”

  subtle, but non the less worthy Skruntie