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[PhilRich]

A man gets on the bus with both his trouser pockets bulging with golf balls, and the only empty seat is next to...you've guessed it, a beautiful blonde woman.
The puzzled blonde keeps looking down at the bulges in the front of his trousers, & finally feeling irritated, the man says, "It's golf balls".
"Oh, ok!", says the blonde, but she keeps on looking thoughtfully at his crotch, until finally she can't contain herself any longer and she says, "Is it as painful as Tennis Elbow?"
 




A man & his wife have just gone to bed & settled down for the night when the wife feels her husbands hand on her shoulder & he starts to slowly rub her arm.
"I'm sorry Honey", she says "but i've got an appointment with the Gynecologist tomorrow morning & I want to stay fresh for the examination".
The Husband turns over, rejected.
After a few minutes, the wife feels a tap on her shoulder.
"What is it this time sweetheart?", she says.
So the husband whispers in her ear, "You don't have an appointment with your Dentist tomorrow do you?"
 

[jonnycool]

Phew! These have been posted before and I've had a chance to get over the disappointment in advance 

[PhilRich]

Right!!, lets see if I can make your facial muscles twitch with this one :-/

Bloke in a Granada pulls up next to a guy in a Omega at the lights. Both windows are open so he shouts to the Omega driver, "Hey, you got a telephone in there?"
"Yes of course I have", says the Omega driver. "I've got one as well", says the Granada owner, "here it is look, good innit?"
"Oh, er, yes it is!, says the Omega guy.
"So, you got a fax in that Omega then?", says Mr. Granada.
"Yes I have actually"
"Yeah, me as well mate, have a look at this, neat or what?"
After a quiet pause the Granada driver shouts, "Ere mate, you gotta double bed in the back of yours?"
The Omega owner turns to him & says, "No, have you?"
"Not arf mate", says Granada, "here have gander at it".
Just then the lights change to green & the Granada goes on its way.
Not to be outdone, the Omega owner takes his car into a Custom Car place & orders a double bed to fitted with all the bells & whistles and an LCD television built into the footboard. A couple of days later the job's done & he drives all over town looking for the Granada. He finally finds it parked up in Tescos & pulls the Omega alongside. The windows on the Granada are all fogged up and the car is gently rocking on its suspension, so he is a bit apprehensive as he taps on the nearest window. The bloke in the Granada lowers the window a crack & peeks out of the gap. "Hey, remember me?" says Omega man, "
Yeah, yeah I remember you, what's up?"
" Check this out, i've got a double bed in the back of my Omega that'll knock your socks off!"
And the bloke in the Granada says..................................................................































"You got me out of the shower just to tell me that!"

[jonnycool]

 

That's more like it!

Good 'un Phil 

[PhilRich]

Whoa,jonny. You enjoyed that far too much mate, this one should redress the balance


A frog walks into the Bank & walking up to the Teller, he notices her name is Patty Whack. That's a strange name for a young lass he thinks, as he looks her in the eye & pleads, "I really need a loan, I am out of work, I have a wife tadpoles at home who are starving and I need money to feed and provide for them.
Now young Patty feels really sorry for the frog & asks him if he has any Collateral against a loan?
The frog rummages in his pocket & pulls out a little glass elephant & offers it to the bemused Patty, who takes it to her Manager.
Excuse me Sir, she says. There's a frog out there who is desperate for a loan to feed his starving wife and tadpoles but all he has as Collateral is this small glass elephant. What should I do?
Well, the Manager takes a long look at the little glass elephant & after thinking about it for a bit says,
It's a Knick Knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan!

[jereboam]

A man gets on the bus with both his trouser pockets bulging with golf balls, and the only empty seat is next to...you've guessed it, a beautiful blonde woman.
The puzzled blonde keeps looking down at the bulges in the front of his trousers, & finally feeling irritated, the man says, "It's golf balls".
"Oh, ok!", says the blonde, but she keeps on looking thoughtfully at his crotch, until finally she can't contain herself any longer and she says, "Is it as painful as Tennis Elbow?"
 

 

That was absolutely hilarious - not.   

There's a condition called Golfer's Elbow, which I'd never heard of until last Tuesday, when the doctor told me I was suffering from it.  Tennis Elbow is where it hurts on the outside part of your arm, Golfer's Elbow hurts on the inside part.  And all down your forearm.  And gives you pins and needles in your hand.

It wouldn't be quite so annoying if I still played golf, but I had to give that up a few years ago because of the arthritis in my shoulder.

Liked the Frog joke.

[PhilRich]

I'm sorry to hear you are having health issues Jereboam
Glad one the funnies gave you a bit of cheer

[Dishevelled Den]

Whoa,jonny. You enjoyed that far too much mate, this one should redress the balance


A frog walks into the Bank & walking up to the Teller, he notices her name is Patty Whack. That's a strange name for a young lass he thinks, as he looks her in the eye & pleads, "I really need a loan, I am out of work, I have a wife tadpoles at home who are starving and I need money to feed and provide for them.
Now young Patty feels really sorry for the frog & asks him if he has any Collateral against a loan?
The frog rummages in his pocket & pulls out a little glass elephant & offers it to the bemused Patty, who takes it to her Manager.
Excuse me Sir, she says. There's a frog out there who is desperate for a loan to feed his starving wife and tadpoles but all he has as Collateral is this small glass elephant. What should I do?
Well, the Manager takes a long look at the little glass elephant & after thinking about it for a bit says,
It's a Knick Knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan!

  Splendid 

[scimmy_man]

A musician who's spent his whole life trying to break it into the big
time is feeling very depressed. He's been turned down by every single
record company in the country, and no one seems to recognize his
unique genius other than his Mum.So he decides to top himself, and
dreams up an ingenious plan to get back at all the institutions
who've rejected him all his life.He goes into a recording studio and
tells the engineer to record exactly what he says, and then copy it
onto 1000 CDs, and send them out to all the record execs in the
country.
He goes into the vocal booth, the red light goes on, and he
begins,"This is a message to all you sycophantic, talentless bastards
who've ignored me all these years. I dedicated my life to writing
beautiful, emotive, soul-touching music, and all you self-abusers do is
bin my tapes and sign pretty-boy bands and the Spice Girls. Well,
I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's YOU
who've driven me to it!! Bye-bye, murderers of Art!!"
With that, he pulls out a gun and sprays his brains all over the
studio wall. The sound engineer glances up and says, "Yep...okay -
that's fine for level. Wanna go for a take?"

[scimmy_man]

1.What do you call a Chav in a box?

Innit.

2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?

Sorted.

3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?

Safe.

4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav?

Innuinnit.

5. Why are Chavs like slinkies?

They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of
stairs.

6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

The bride.

7. If you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him?

It might be your bike.

8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?

One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

9. What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?

"What you lookin' at?"

10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?

Paint three stripes on it.

11. 2 Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving?

The police.

12. Where do you take a Chavette for a decent night out?

Up the gary!

[scimmy_man]

between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's
shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."
Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where
he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson
whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be
in? We haven't got any money!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued
this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more
o'this. Me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

[PhilRich]

A musician who's spent his whole life trying to break it into the big
time is feeling very depressed. He's been turned down by every single
record company in the country, and no one seems to recognize his
unique genius other than his Mum.So he decides to top himself, and
dreams up an ingenious plan to get back at all the institutions
who've rejected him all his life.He goes into a recording studio and
tells the engineer to record exactly what he says, and then copy it
onto 1000 CDs, and send them out to all the record execs in the
country.
He goes into the vocal booth, the red light goes on, and he
begins,"This is a message to all you sycophantic, talentless blanks
who've ignored me all these years. I dedicated my life to writing
beautiful, emotive, soul-touching music, and all you self-abusers do is
bin my tapes and sign pretty-boy bands and the Spice Girls. Well,
I've taken all I can of your puerile, shallow industry, and it's YOU
who've driven me to it!! Bye-bye, murderers of Art!!"
With that, he pulls out a gun and sprays his brains all over the
studio wall. The sound engineer glances up and says, "Yep...okay -
that's fine for level. Wanna go for a take?"

  ROFL 

[bury omega]

between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's
shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."
Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where
he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson
whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be
in? We haven't got any money!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued
this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more
o'this. Me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

excellent!

Mother Superior and a novice nun driving a car though a long dark country lane in the dead of night. Suddenly a vampire jumps onto the car bonnet. The novice nun panics " Mother Superior! its a vampire! what should I do?"
Mother Superior shouts " Show him your cross! show him your cross!", so the nun goes " Oi! Dickhead! f##king get off my f##king car!".

[scimmy_man]

A car battery, a jumper cable and a bra walk into a pub. The bra asks the barman for 3 pints of beer.
The barman says “No way am I serving any alcohol to you three”.
“Why not?” asks the bra.
“Because you’re off your tits, and your friends look like they wanna start something!”

[scimmy_man]

A depressed young Paisley woman was so desperate that she  decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Clyde. When she went down the docks,a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her.

"Look, you've got a lot to live for", he said. "I'm off to America  in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll  take good care of you and bring you food every day". Moving closer, he  slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy". The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose?

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later during  a routine search, the captain discovered her. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors", she explained. "He's taking me to America, and he's feeding me".

"What  are you doing for him?" said the captain.

"He's screwing me" said the  girl.

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Govan ferry".