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[jonnycool]

between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's
shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."
Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where
he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson
whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be
in? We haven't got any money!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through
my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued
this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more
o'this. Me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."

It's a cracker 

[scimmy_man]

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told,  he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

 He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring"
he says,  "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten.

I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you
want.

Whatchou want?" he asks, trying to sound experienced.

He hopes this will impress his virginbride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsurely, "I want......numba 69."

Now he is caught up in thoughtful silence. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he asks,

"You want.......Beef wif Broccori

[PhilRich]

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told,  he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

 He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring"
he says,  "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten.

I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you
want.

Whatchou want?" he asks, trying to sound experienced.

He hopes this will impress his virginbride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsurely, "I want......numba 69."

Now he is caught up in thoughtful silence. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he asks,

"You want.......Beef wif Broccori

HarHarHar ROFLMHO

[scimmy_man]

My favourite one was the time someone complained that their computer system wouldn't work.
I investigated and found that the system-unit, the
monitor and modem were all plugged into one of these four-way trailing power-strips under the desk.

So far so good - except the fourth outlet on the strip also had something plugged into it.

It was the power-plug for the 4-way outlet-strip!

Me? I'm the one with an uninterruptable power-supply feeding the coffee-percolator

[Sixstring]

A Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin and, truth be told,  he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.

 He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring"
he says,  "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten.

I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - jus anyting you
want.

Whatchou want?" he asks, trying to sound experienced.

He hopes this will impress his virginbride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her
request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsurely, "I want......numba 69."

Now he is caught up in thoughtful silence. Eventually, in a puzzled tone
he asks,

"You want.......Beef wif Broccori

Absolutely Classic. PMSL.

[scimmy_man]

A Chavette single mother goes to claim her benefits and tells the council worker she's six sons, all called Kev.

"Doesn't that get confusing?" asks the official.

"Nah, it's great", says the Chavette."If I wanna call em down to dinner, I just yell Kev and they all come runnin at once."

"But what do you do if you want only one of them?" asks the bemused official.

"Thats easy, innit?" replies the Chavette. "I just call 'em by their surnames."

[scimmy_man]

A rich white man in Darwin (Northern Territory) decided that He  wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours. He also invited Jimmy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood (as opposed to the only gay in the village).  He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and  BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Jimmy in the pool! Jimmy was fighting the croc and kicking its ass! Jimmy was jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of shit like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Jimmy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Jimmy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Jimmy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Well, Jimmy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "Nah, you right, I don't want it," said Jimmy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet." "How about half a million bucks then?" "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Jimmy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?" Again Jimmy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well Jimmy, then what do you want?"






Jimmy said, "I want the name of the c*nt who pushed me in the pool

[scimmy_man]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,  "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be  damned"  Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.  "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong on you son.. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[henryd]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,  "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be  damned"  Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.  "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong on you son.. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

LMAO ,the rest are pretty good as well

[scimmy_man]

Malcolm O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!’ That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.' She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

Malcolm said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.''Oh, that is very nice indeed, Malcolm!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of Malcolm's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, ' Mal won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.

[Kevin Wood]

12 yr old girl from Coventry writes a letter to Jeremy Kyle...

 Dear Jeremy,
I'm the only girl in my class that isn't pregnant.

I'd like to appear on your show to find out if it's me or my brother that's
infertile..........
----

The Mrs just came into the living room wearing a little pvc number,
fishnets and high heels.

She handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she
comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'.

I can't wait.

I f*ckin love Shepherd's Pie.
-----

2 great white sharks swimming around when they spy survivors of a
shipwreck bobbing about.

'Follow me Son' said Daddy shark to his boy as they swam towards the
survivors, 'first we swim round them with our fin tips showing' and they
did.
'Next we swim round them with our whole fin showing' and they did.
'Now we eat them' and they did......when they had fed, Son said 'why
didn't we just eat them Dad, they were delicious, why swim round them?'
His wise Dad said 'cos they taste much better without the s*it
inside':-)

[maria]

Good ones there kevin

[Sixstring]

Nearly spat my tea out............................

Nice one(s)!

[maria]

Nearly spat my tea out............................

Nice one(s)!

You not meant to spit your tea  out but drink it , I'll have to get you a big bib

[Sixstring]

Sorry, MUMMY!