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[maria]

You'll be sorry 

[maria]

Your all gone quiet

[scimmy_man]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second
one about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary
man walking with a black dog.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man
couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the
dog,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb
you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you
walking in single line.

Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."

What happened to her?" !

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired
further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the
first one asks in excitement

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied "Join the queue.

[scimmy_man]

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a

young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks

how old he is.



"I'm 90 years old," he says.



"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"



"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

[scimmy_man]

SENILITY



An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm

getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."

"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you

forget to zip down."

[scimmy_man]

How To Shower Like a Woman

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins...

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red...

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower..

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING BECAUSE IT'S TRUE!!!!!

[scimmy_man]

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be ****ed if he needed glasses".

[maria]

Good one

[scimmy_man]

What do you call a fly with no wings ?




















A Walk.

[scimmy_man]

An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on
scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!  If
I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off
this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again!  If I get
burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, spam again!  If I get a spam
sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the spam and jumped to his death as
well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping.  She said, "If I'd known
how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given
it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or
enchiladas!  I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

 Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

[scimmy_man]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the motorway for
a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing
through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and
opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of
the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and
pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word and examined
it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday
the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an
excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says,

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying
to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[scimmy_man]

There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, "Can I help you?"
The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said, "NO! This is a bar and we don't sell raisins."
The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!
The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him? The duck said, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said, "NO this is a BAR we don't sell raisins!" So the duck walked out again and left.
He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again! The duck yelled at the bartender, "quack, quack, quack, got any raisins?"
The bartender said, "NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there."The duck said, "ok", and left.
The next day came and sure enough the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, "quack, quack, got any nails?" The bartender replied, "No!"
The duck said "Good, then you got any raisins?"

[scimmy_man]

A  mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies  before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the body of a  Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he noticed the
size of his  manhood.



"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send  you off to
be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be
saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the
dead man's private bit. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it
home. The first person he showed it to was his wife.



"I have something to  show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened
up his  briefcase.



"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is  dead!"

[jonnycool]

Excellent 

[maria]

Brillant