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[scimmy_man]

The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle.  Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.  None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.  As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

[scimmy_man]

A blind bloke is doing a parachute jump for charity. The local radio sends a reporter to interview him. he asks him about preparing for the jump "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.

"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" asks the reporter.

"well when I'm a few feet off the ground I brace myself for impact"

"Sorry, erm but how do you know when you're a few feet off the ground?"

"Easy, the lead goes slack...."

[maria]

Good one

[scimmy_man]

Two blondes decided to rob a bank together.
The first blonde, Judy plans the robbery and goes over the plan with
the second blonde, Buffy, in great detail. The robbery begins. Judy
drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to Buffy, "I
want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are
supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three
minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"
"Perfectly," said Buffy.
Buffy goes in the bank while Judy waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes . . . Two minutes pass . . Seven minutes
pass . . . and Judy is really stressing out.
Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here comes Buffy. She's got
a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car. About the
time she gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst
open again with the armed security guard coming out.
The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he
is firing his weapon. As the gals are getting away, Judy says "You
are such a blonde! I thought you understood the plan!"
Buffy said, "I did . . . I did exactly what you said!"
"No, you idiot," said Judy. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up
the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"

[scimmy_man]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[scimmy_man]

Becky and Sally Ann were two blondes doing carpentry work on a house.

Becky, who was nailing down siding would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Sally Ann, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Becky explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch, half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away."

Sally Ann sighed and shook her head, "Becky, those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

[scimmy_man]

Locker Room Cell Phone Conversation
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2011 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[scimmy_man]

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?"

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"


"Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"


The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket ... and I'll hold the chickens."

[scimmy_man]

Three Nuns die in a car crash and go to see St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter says, "Before you may enter heaven, you must confess any sins."

Sister Mary steps forward and says, "Forgive me, but I once saw a man's penis."

"Very well. You must now wash your eyes in this bowl of holy water, and you can then enter," explained St Peter.

All of a sudden Sister Ann pushes past Sister Jane, to get to the front. "What's going on here?" bellows St Peter.

Sister Ann replies, "I want to wash me gob out before she sticks her bum in it!"

[jonnycool]

JOKE OVERLOAD!!

Excellent though 

[maria]

yeah brilliant

[scimmy_man]

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion..

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused painkiller during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.