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Author Topic: What to do? Long story so be prepared  (Read 1497 times)

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Del Boy

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What to do? Long story so be prepared
« on: 22 December 2010, 11:43:38 »

Right guys and ladies, you may remember I split up with the mrs earlier this year due to her running off with someone pretty much the same age as our eldest son, my eldest took it in his stride, yeah he was angry and wound up, but didn't let it get him down which I was proud of him for. Now my 16 year old boy had basically struggled along living with her for a few months, story goes basically my boy was staying there she had the new boyfriend now and said to my boy if you don't like it go and stay with your Dad (Me).

Anyway he stayed at home, she was kissing cuddling all in front of my boy and his mate, anyway my son naturally kicked off, never touched her just wanted the smack the boy really, anyway she burst in my sons room smacked him round the face and there was a bit of pushing and shoving going on you get the jist. She then rang the police on her own son (yes it's unbelievable I know), then said he came in her room hit her etc etc, he got arrested banged up for a night or out 11 o'clock the next morning, anyway they got a statement off his mate and confirmed the fact his mother totally lied and got him arrested because she's a lot of things. Anyway I moved him straight in with me after that, despite the lack of room.

Anyway I tried to keep them in contact because she is his mum at the end of the day. Then they had another big fallout in September after she got me arrested for hitting her, yet again this was a load of bullshit and witness statements and my son being there at the time showed again she hit someone rang the police and told a complete pack of lies.

Anyway back to the main point here, my 16 year old hasn't been right since all of this kicked off, it was in May so right at the time when he was doing his exams, he did ok but understandably not as well as he could've. He's been with me and he really is a very angry young man, anyway got a text from his mum today after not speaking to her for 3 months albeit she has tried to make contact since then and hebhas ignored her. I said to him today make the effort back she is trying she said meet up the town, my boy said over the park, basically she said no, she didn't want me there and town was the place to meet. He said no I've told you where etc and my Dad (me) will be there regardless she said you make the effort, he said I've made the effort if you don't want too meet I'm not really bothered. Meanwhile we arrive at Tescos my son goes to the toilet while I had a quick look around.

Whilst leaving the toilet a bloke copped him in a already bad mood and said "well done for washing your hands mate your filthy" being brutally honest he usually does, but stressed out etc he wasn't bothered, anyway he said to me he though I'd just wall off but I couldn't. Anyway gave the bloke a load of mouth and told him to shut up or you'll get a smack pretty much, the bloke did then shut up and left my boy to carry on. Then my boy told me this story which pissed me off with the fella, but with Tescos today being covered in police for some reason I left it, my son though couldn't followed him out into the car park, but luckily I grabbed him before he did anything, then he flipped, punching trees (cut his hand up) kicking trollys around and just generally going mental, this wound me up as the last thing I want is him arrested over Christmas. Anyway we get in the car and he starts crying his eyes out, I get him to ring his mum, she basically says I don't want advice from you, you've turned him against me blah blah blah. Maybe he was right all along by not texting her, shows I didn't know best this time :(

Anyway guys I need advice on his anger, he's looked for a job no one is giving any jobs out I need to try and take his mind off of things. He says he's fine, but I know he's not, he just looks out of it as it were. Any ideas, sorry for the huge story but I do want what is best for him because I love him too bits.
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Lazydocker

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Re: What to do? Long story so be prepared
« Reply #1 on: 22 December 2010, 12:09:54 »

Del, he needs to see a therapist/councillor ASAP! They will be able to help.

If I were nearer I'd offer to help him find someone. He probably won't want to go but he needs to... It will help.
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bob.dent

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Re: What to do? Long story so be prepared
« Reply #2 on: 22 December 2010, 12:15:41 »

Quote
Del, he needs to see a therapist/councillor ASAP! They will be able to help.

If I were nearer I'd offer to help him find someone. He probably won't want to go but he needs to... It will help.

I agree with what Paul said above. It may be difficult to pusuade him to go but will be worth a try with a little gentle pursuation. Hope you get things sorted out Del, it's not a pleasant situation to be in.
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skyblue

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Re: What to do? Long story so be prepared
« Reply #3 on: 22 December 2010, 12:16:23 »

What a cow she sounds like to do that to her own son.... ex husbands I can understand  ( not having a go at you by any means ) but ta kids dont need to be put through this by any means.

I would sudggest that you cut all contact from this cow as she is playing bloody mind games with the Lad and it is proving to be too much for the poor sod. I would try and get him to talk to someone who could help him with his anger as it will get worse over the coming yrs and it may tip him over the edge.. HTH and all the best with this problem
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bertiecbx550

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Re: What to do? Long story so be prepared
« Reply #4 on: 22 December 2010, 12:21:09 »

yep agreed he needs to talk to somebody and get it out rather than bottling it up.... i still need to talk to people i trust coz i still blame myself for my dads death and a counsellor does help its helped me somewhat and i no longer bottle my feelings up and hurt the ones i love by not talking.... i hope you and your son have a good xmas del... :)
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Chris_H

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Re: What to do? Long story so be prepared
« Reply #5 on: 22 December 2010, 12:21:34 »

If only it were an HBV that needed replacing eh? ;)

Human beings...

There aren't any easy answers are there?  And you would be in a better position than others here to give them anyway...

Society constantly underestimates the damage that a parent walking away from a family does.

One part of me says she needs to see as much of her son as she can.  But if that involves her playing mind-games and screwing him up,  that's not going to help him either.

DelBoy you need to keep focussed on treating him right and explaining to him what can be explained.  Don't try to speak for her.

His security has been shattered by not having his two parents where he needs them.  You need to try and persuade him that she hasn't gone off because she hates him.  Not to get her off the hook but to protect his self-esteem.

His only hope (bar her undoing what she's done) is to grow up now.  I don't mean that unkindly.  We all lose our parents one way or another at some time, what he faces is worse - a parent that still exists but says "I don't want you".  He needs to realise what his own worth is so that he can build on that.  You are still there for him and may be able to talk some of that into him?  You may even have to go easy on him on the discipline front but try to explain it all the way ("Normally I'd do such-and-such but you're under pressure so I'll let it go this time") so that he doesn't get used to anarchy.

Cossetting him may not be the right direction.  He may need to be given more responsibility, but still with you never far away and ready to talk.

Sorry.  That puts even more stress on you at a time when you don't need it, but he is still a dependent.

Oh, and by the way;  I'm not an expert so read what I've put and see if there's anything that strikes a chord in your own experience.  If not; bin it.

I really hope things get better for you.
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Richgm

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Re: What to do? Long story so be prepared
« Reply #6 on: 22 December 2010, 12:55:50 »

I can't offer any real advice to you but maybe your Son would benefit by contacting childline. If they can't help directly they should be able to point him in the right direction.
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millwall

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Re: What to do? Long story so be prepared
« Reply #7 on: 22 December 2010, 13:02:24 »

Whilst leaving the toilet a bloke copped him in a already bad mood and said "well done for washing your hands mate your filthy" being brutally honest he usually does, but stressed out etc he wasn't bothered, anyway he said to me he though I'd just wall off but I couldn't. Anyway gave the bloke a load of mouth and told him to shut up or you'll get a smack pretty much, the bloke did then shut up

del try  and keep him away from situations like these as to be honest myself and plenty of others would have slapped him for being mouthy  not realising hes going through hell at the moment  keep him occupied so he cant dwell on things and i hope it all comes good for your boy :y
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aaronjb

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Re: What to do? Long story so be prepared
« Reply #8 on: 22 December 2010, 13:03:15 »

Quote
Quote
Del, he needs to see a therapist/councillor ASAP! They will be able to help.

If I were nearer I'd offer to help him find someone. He probably won't want to go but he needs to... It will help.

I agree with what Paul said above. It may be difficult to pusuade him to go but will be worth a try with a little gentle pursuation. Hope you get things sorted out Del, it's not a pleasant situation to be in.

Indeed - and it's available for free to under 25s in many areas via your GP.
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Del Boy

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Re: What to do? Long story so be prepared
« Reply #9 on: 22 December 2010, 13:09:05 »

Quote
Whilst leaving the toilet a bloke copped him in a already bad mood and said "well done for washing your hands mate your filthy" being brutally honest he usually does, but stressed out etc he wasn't bothered, anyway he said to me he though I'd just wall off but I couldn't. Anyway gave the bloke a load of mouth and told him to shut up or you'll get a smack pretty much, the bloke did then shut up

del try  and keep him away from situations like these as to be honest myself and plenty of others would have slapped him for being mouthy  not realising hes going through hell at the moment  keep him occupied so he cant dwell on things and i hope it all comes good for your boy :y

Yeah mate I understand that and he wouldnt have said anything to the bloke, but the bloke shouldn't even be commenting on what my boy is doing, he was minding his own business walking out of the toilet, never have I known him to start trouble, and he won't start trouble, but he won't be picked on either.
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millwall

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Re: What to do? Long story so be prepared
« Reply #10 on: 22 December 2010, 13:24:44 »

Quote
Quote
Whilst leaving the toilet a bloke copped him in a already bad mood and said "well done for washing your hands mate your filthy" being brutally honest he usually does, but stressed out etc he wasn't bothered, anyway he said to me he though I'd just wall off but I couldn't. Anyway gave the bloke a load of mouth and told him to shut up or you'll get a smack pretty much, the bloke did then shut up

del try  and keep him away from situations like these as to be honest myself and plenty of others would have slapped him for being mouthy  not realising hes going through hell at the moment  keep him occupied so he cant dwell on things and i hope it all comes good for your boy :y

Yeah mate I understand that and he wouldnt have said anything to the bloke, but the bloke shouldn't even be commenting on what my boy is doing, he was minding his own business walking out of the toilet, never have I known him to start trouble, and he won't start trouble, but he won't be picked on either.
tottally agree del  people should mind their own   does he like sport or anything else  something you could both do to try and keep him busy and agree with the others maybe a counsellor or someone in the family or a friend he could talk to  must be very hard for him good luck  to your boy and you things will come good
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Del Boy

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Re: What to do? Long story so be prepared
« Reply #11 on: 22 December 2010, 16:24:05 »

Yeah we used to go up the gym all 3 of us used to go, maybe we'll have to get back into that again :y
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millwall

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Re: What to do? Long story so be prepared
« Reply #12 on: 22 December 2010, 16:34:49 »

Quote
Yeah we used to go up the gym all 3 of us used to go, maybe we'll have to get back into that again :y
maybe a good idea to get up there  i still go to the gym when im wound up  helps to forget about things for a while and i usually take all my aggression out on punchbags and the like  by the time ive finished  mind and body feel refreshed :y
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Lizzie_Zoom

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Re: What to do? Long story so be prepared
« Reply #13 on: 22 December 2010, 17:22:37 »

I agree that you should get your GP Del to refer him to counselling, along with a anger management course.

He needs to "earth" his understandable frustrations and anger, and for that he requires professional help.  I'm afaid to say that if he does not take that route soon there will be serious trouble! :'( :'(
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Del Boy

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Re: What to do? Long story so be prepared
« Reply #14 on: 22 December 2010, 17:24:08 »

Quote
I agree that you should get your GP Del to refer him to counselling, along with a anger management course.

He needs to "earth" his understandable frustrations and anger, and for that he requires professional help.  I'm afaid to say that if he does not take that route soon there will be serious trouble! :'( :'(

It's like a ticking time bomb without sounding silly  :-/
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