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[mantahatch]

I am sure no one has missed me but I have not been on since before xmas.
Last 4 weeks have been horrible. Looking for some advice, 20 ish years ago someone very close hurt me very badly. I have never forgiven that person even though I see them most days, I blame myself for holding a grudge for so long but I have no idea how to deal with it. In the past I have drunk to much to try to forget, well that don't work and I don't drink anymore. I usually end up bottling it all up and then it all comes out in one horrible tyrade of verbal abuse from me. And then I begin bottling it up again. as we go through a virtually silent time for a few days.  This time it has been 4 weeks of hell. I no I am causing the problem because I cannot forgive the past.

I suppose what I am asking is how do you forgive someone, I no it is an odd question, but I have never had to forgive someone for something like this.

Sorry to go on and I no this is a car forum, but I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

[Lizzie_Zoom]

This is an old problem MH, since the beginning of the human race!

All I can say, and I do bear too many grudges sometimes, is that you take the Christine route.  Jesus emphasised how you should forgive 7 x 7, and even then still forgive no matter what the cause.

Forgiving makes you a stronger person as it stops draining your mind and stopping you from spending all your time fuming about something that is in the past.  Make friends of your enemies, and it opens up your heart to love not hate, as all too often us humans do, don't I know!!

Talking it all through with others, as you are doing now, will help, and either pick a very close friend who you trust for good judgement or even see a priest / vicar if you believe that is a good direction for you.

All the best in your turmoil and may peace descend soon! 8-) 8-) 8-)

[Chris_H]

I'm not surprised that you don't know how to do it MH as it's not very popular these days!   We don't tend to mix with people who are doing it all the time so to speak.  As Lizzie indicates though, it is corrosive to oneself; harbouring hatred or ill-feeling towards someone else.

It sounds as though you have a wound that is being repeatedly opened again.  One comparatively simple solution if all else fails is to get away from the situation so that the contact ceases.  They say time is a great healer and I think there is truth in that.  It's not the best solution by any means but is a last-ditch one.

Forgiving someone who refuses to acknowledge that they have hurt/are hurting you is a big ask.  It can be done but probably involves you convincing yourself that they had good reason to do it, even if that reason is bad character.

The other approach is to try to discuss it with them and see if you have mis-understood (not very likely after all this time perhaps) or see if you can come to some agreement admitting that you have both been wrong to some extent.

The chances are that they are not comfortable with the situation either and that pride is preventing resolution.

It's certainly worth a try as a relationship where forgiveness has been given is often a very strong one.

Anger management classes might help as well.

It's not appropriate to discuss specifics on a public forum so I will leave it there for now.

IHTH :-/

[Webby the Bear]

I am sure no one has missed me but I have not been on since before xmas.
Last 4 weeks have been horrible. Looking for some advice, 20 ish years ago someone very close hurt me very badly. I have never forgiven that person even though I see them most days, I blame myself for holding a grudge for so long but I have no idea how to deal with it. In the past I have drunk to much to try to forget, well that don't work and I don't drink anymore. I usually end up bottling it all up and then it all comes out in one horrible tyrade of verbal abuse from me. And then I begin bottling it up again. as we go through a virtually silent time for a few days.  This time it has been 4 weeks of hell. I no I am causing the problem because I cannot forgive the past.

I suppose what I am asking is how do you forgive someone, I no it is an odd question, but I have never had to forgive someone for something like this.

Sorry to go on and I no this is a car forum, but I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

mate, first of all give yaself a freaking break.

this person did something bad to you that you havent been able to forgive.... so why do you want to forgive them? it must have been bad.

presumably you work with this person as u see them all the time. look for a new job.

stop drinking.

and if the thing was that bad and has messed you up emotionally get some councelling and if necesary your doc will prescribe some anti-deppresants.

hope that helps

[redelitev6]

  grudges are the only thing that keep me going

[Amigo]

grudges are the only thing that keep me going

That's a bad outlook & not at all good for you.

[Amigo]

I am sure no one has missed me but I have not been on since before xmas.
Last 4 weeks have been horrible. Looking for some advice, 20 ish years ago someone very close hurt me very badly. I have never forgiven that person even though I see them most days, I blame myself for holding a grudge for so long but I have no idea how to deal with it. In the past I have drunk to much to try to forget, well that don't work and I don't drink anymore. I usually end up bottling it all up and then it all comes out in one horrible tyrade of verbal abuse from me. And then I begin bottling it up again. as we go through a virtually silent time for a few days.  This time it has been 4 weeks of hell. I no I am causing the problem because I cannot forgive the past.

I suppose what I am asking is how do you forgive someone, I no it is an odd question, but I have never had to forgive someone for something like this.

Sorry to go on and I no this is a car forum, but I don't want to live the rest of my life like this.

We've had a few laughs on here & i never knew this. I've had a few rough trots 20+ years ago but that was then. Seems you need a helping hand to get yourself back on track. I wish we were sat either side of a table but we're not.
   Talk to someone mate. Phone the samaritans. I know it sounds cheesy but they're there to help & bloody good at it. My sons mother does it so i kind of know, give it a try.
   You just need to find the trigger that will release the hurt/resentment then you can get on with the rest of your life.

    You've already taken the first & hardest step sharing this with us & i for one admire you for it so don't stop now mate. Meanwhile we're all here if you want us, Guy.

[cem_devecioglu]

mantahatch, 

the olds say "if you want revenge, dig two graves, one for you and one for the other" :-/

dont know thats a simple advice or not, but you definitely need to change your environment..

time heals most of things..but you must be away ..
and continously thinking this you will poison yourself..
life is so short,  and trust me wont worth thinking about primitives behaviours..


and as for the drink, if you do something frequently thats no joy.. that becomes a job


it was some time I dont drink as my stomach dont permit.. today I bought my favorite..a small bottle..

night time, I opened the bottle, prepare some cheese, olives ,bread and my wife fried some fish.. and I ate them with big pleasure slowly drinking..

but I dont think I'll feel the same if I do it everyday..

 

[the alarming man]

cem is right time is a healer but you have too remove yourself from the situation...but i am not sure you do forgive someone after a time the pain becomes more bearable and easier tto deal with...hope you get this sorted