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[dbug]

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

 


 

[Kendo1690]

The mother in law went to the butchers and said: "I'll have that sheeps head on the counter please."

The butcher replied: "It's a mirror not a sheeps head!"

This is deffo about my mother in law,how do you know her....!!!

[Plomien]

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair.
Her mom calmly said- "that part where hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair"
the girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister-"my monkey has grown hair"
Her sister smiled and said-"that's nothing, mine is already eating bananas" .

[Plomien]

Grey, White, Black, Dark Grey, Light Grey, Medium Gray, Dark Medium Gray, Light Medium Grey, Dim Grey, Dark Grey, Davy's Grey, Ash Grey, Fag Ash Grey, Battleship Grey, Gainsboro, Charcoal, Dark Charcoal, Light Charcoal, Warm Grey, Cool Grey, Cadet Grey, Cadet Blue, Blue-Gray, Glaucous Grey, Slate Grey, Light Slate Grey, Dark Slate Grey, Metallic Grey, Puce, Mountbatten Pink, Rose Quartz, Cinerous, Taupe, Dark Taupe, Medium Taupe, Purple Taupe, Light Taupe, Timberwolf, Dark Timberwolf, Light Timberwolf, Silver, Light Silver, Dark Silver, Paynes Grey, Black Olive, Android Grey, TV Test Card Grey, Raincloud Grey, Sleet Grey, Dusty Grey

No I can't see why women fuss over 50 Shades of Grey either

[Jimbob]

Grey, White, Black, Dark Grey, Light Grey, Medium Gray, Dark Medium Gray, Light Medium Grey, Dim Grey, Dark Grey, Davy's Grey, Ash Grey, Fag Ash Grey, Battleship Grey, Gainsboro, Charcoal, Dark Charcoal, Light Charcoal, Warm Grey, Cool Grey, Cadet Grey, Cadet Blue, Blue-Gray, Glaucous Grey, Slate Grey, Light Slate Grey, Dark Slate Grey, Metallic Grey, Puce, Mountbatten Pink, Rose Quartz, Cinerous, Taupe, Dark Taupe, Medium Taupe, Purple Taupe, Light Taupe, Timberwolf, Dark Timberwolf, Light Timberwolf, Silver, Light Silver, Dark Silver, Paynes Grey, Black Olive, Android Grey, TV Test Card Grey, Raincloud Grey, Sleet Grey, Dusty Grey

No I can't see why women fuss over 50 Shades of Grey either

[dbug]

A nun was sitting at the airport, waiting for her flight to Melbourne.

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune and thought to herself, 'I'll give it a try and see what it tells me.'

She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her coin in, out came a card that read, 'You are a nun, you weigh 70kg, and you are going to Melbourne.'

The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the same card to everyone. The more she thought about it the more curious she got so she decided to try it again she went back to the machine and again put her coin in, and out came a card that read:

'You are a nun, you weigh 70kg, you are going to Melbourne and you are going to play a violin.'

The nun says to herself, 'I know that is wrong - I have never played a musical instrument even once in my life.' She sat back down.

From out of nowhere a man came over and sat down, putting his violin case on the seat between them.
Without thinking, she opened the man's case, took out the violin, and started playing beautiful music.

Surprised at what she had done, she looked over at the machine, thinking, 'This is incredible, I've got to try this again.'

Back to the machine she went, put in another coin, and another card came out. It read, 'You are a nun, you weigh 70kg, you are going to Melbourne and you are going to break wind.' Now she knows the machine is wrong, as she thought to herself, 'I've never broken wind in public a single time in my life.' But getting down off the machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling to the floor, she broke wind.

Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, 'This is truly remarkable. I've got to try this again.'
She went back to the machine, put in another coin and another card came out.




It read: 'You are a nun, you weigh 70kg, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Melbourne.'

 

[The Red Baron]

  very good.

[Mr Skrunts]

WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12!

A man walks into a chemist with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,

"What are these, Dad?

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for university men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied...

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

[Varche]

The Irish Golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.
Looking for his ball,he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy,reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.
Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief.
'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Le prechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things
I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,'the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out 100 Euro notes I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also..' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment,
and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

[cleggy]

 Politically Incorrect Jokes of the Day
 
What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
Amhere!
What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel!
What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel Azhim!
 
 
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Bradford , killing anyone who's English.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 5. 


Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing.
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead, and realised she was just on standby. 


Got a right beating last night by a 6ft 7in black bloke
All I said was, "golly you're tall.".


They've had to cancel the panto 'jack & the beanstalk',in Birmingham , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley , Leicester & Luton:
Because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.


Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat! 

 
 

 
 

 

[waspy]

I saw a dyslexic yorkshire man today wearing a cat flap.

[scimmy_man]

Young lad is at home when there is a knock on the door, He goes to the door, he has stockings on, high heel shoes a little mini skirt with a push you up bra a face full of make-up and big hoop earings, A joint in one hand and a whisky in the other.
The gas man asks is your mum or dad in.....
To which he replies........... DOES IT F!!KING LOOK LIKE IT.......

[dbug]

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut this April from 72 to only 40. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth"

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, "We sympathise with our workers' concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages, but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up".

Spokesmen for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

 

 

 

[dbug]

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Highway 11, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his
truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.  When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up
again. She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door.  Again, the trucker lowers the window.  As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.  The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.  When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets
out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says, ...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in CANADA, and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

 

[Varche]

In the past we had the likes of Bob Hope, Jonny Cash, Steve Jobs, now they are all gone, no Hope, no Cash and no Jobs