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[Mister Rog]

My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.

            

[Mister Rog]

My French girlfriend hates it when I pull her hair during sex.


She says it makes her armpits sore for days.

 

[Varche]

Been a while since I posted any jokes:

A U.S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California. The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"

The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"

[Varche]

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway train next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat
pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", Then returned
to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[Varche]

Just opened a Christmas present from my uncle. It was a box of rice.
Thanks Uncle Ben.

[Mister Rog]

My mate swallowed some Lego.

The doctors aren't too worried, but he's shitting bricks.

[Mister Rog]

The four stages of life:

1. You believe in Santa

2. You don't believe in Santa

3. You dress up like Santa

4. You actually look like Santa

[Mister Rog]

[Shackeng]

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy.

When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"

The head surgeon says gently, "I'm afraid so...I'm so sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience an erection ever again?"

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might... but it won't be yours"

[Migalot]

A warning to all, be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and Police are out there checking on people.

Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many pints and then went onto the cocktails. Not a good idea..

Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my motorbike at the pub and took a Bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests.
Because I was in a Bus they just waved it past.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a Double Decker before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

 

[Sir Tigger KC]

Catholics are people that can't get enough of cats.....

[Migalot]

After seven years of medical training and a further 10 years hard work, my very good friend
has been struck off after one minor mistake. He fell in love and had a
relationship with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the
profession. What a waste of time, training and money.

A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet . .

[plym ian]

I see George Michael's autopsy revealed a chocolate bar lodged in his bumhole, yeah, it's a careless whisper.

[Mister Rog]

I was in a bar when the barman shouted 'DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?'

I said 'Yeah, I know the whole alphabet'

Everyone laughed  . . . . . except this one guy.

[Varche]

The AA have warned that anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a Blanket/Sleeping bag, extra clothing (including Hat, Scarf and Gloves), 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-Icer, salt, torch, spare battery, spare crank sensor, petrol can, first aid kit and some jump leads.
I looked a right Fool on the bus..