Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[waspy]

All i can say to ya mate is "you do what you feel to be right, you're the one that's in the situation".
My girlfriends got three from previous & i know how it is, we've had 2 1/2 years of hell & tonight we had a very encouraging turn up. So what i'm saying is "hang in there matey, because everything comes around good"  

[Jay w]

Martin,

Thanks for the advice  

Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do  lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.

i am NLP trained and qualified and have tried in vain to use some of those techniques on him in order to help communication, all in vain

James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.

he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work  

[Jay w]

i remember that type from college and school, not a lot you can do. But i am with Max on this, chuck him out, let him fend for himself and learn he needs to earn money!

I had loads of summer jobs when i left school at 16, Tesco's, Currys, local corner shop, 2 years later i was a marketing excutive part time, £5.50 hr + commision, at the time (2002) damn fine wage for someone my age.

The drop out on my college courses was amazing! I started a GNVQ ICT course, 35 people started it, 6 completed it! (still really good mates with 1 of them)

Second course was a BTECH National Diploma in Computing, again, 70 people started, course was split into 2 classes, not enough computers for all. 9 people completed that one, from 75!!!  

I used the UCAS points from that ND to get to Uni, no A levels play off for me.


To be fair, i never knew what i wanted to do either, but i did know it would involve computers because i was good with them, i was not the brighest spark at school, only got 1 GCSE grade C, rest were D's and E's

But still graduated from Uni! on a 2:1  

So just goes to show... he needs to find something he enjoys, i never felt using a PC was 'work'

Any ideas what what he enjoys?

He is into computers and gaming (psp ps2 xbox 360) but yet when we suggested using this as a basis to move forward it was blanked, he didn't want to ruin the enjoyment by making it work as well as play!!

He wanted to be a mechanic, so we helped him to get an apprenticeship, he got sacked, then a plumber, again got someone who would take him one, and i offered to pay the public liability insurance as the employer was a small company, on the first day he walked off the job.
We have tried talking about retail, too boring and means he will have to work odd hours and wont be able to see his g/friend
He feels that something like mcdonalds is beneath him......currently he has nothing and if i ws in his position it would be a staring point.

I suppose what i am trying to say here is for every suggestion he has a crap excuse, if he gets the job he wont give it a chance, if he doesn't like it after an hour he is off out the door

[zippo]

Martin,

Thanks for the advice  

Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do  lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.

James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.

he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work  

iam a benefit bum and its no fun atall what happens when his mates start to earn i.e cars girls nights out new clothes etc does he know what hes going to do then because all of that doesn't come without a job and responsibility

[Vamps]

Martin,

Thanks for the advice  

Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do  lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.

James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.

he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work  

iam a benefit bum and its no fun atall what happens when his mates start to earn i.e cars girls nights out new clothes etc does he know what hes going to do then

Am I not right in thinking you are disabled,in some cases a disability makes it imposible to work, in which case you are not a benefit bum imho.
 

[Jay w]

Martin,

Thanks for the advice  

Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do  lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.

James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.

he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work  

iam a benefit bum and its no fun atall what happens when his mates start to earn i.e cars girls nights out new clothes etc does he know what hes going to do then

we have tried to make it clear that he will be left behind when his mates start earning money.

he would be happy to sit in his room all day and play on his games he doesn't want to listen to reason.

[Jay w]

Martin,

Thanks for the advice  

Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do  lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.

James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.

he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work  

iam a benefit bum and its no fun atall what happens when his mates start to earn i.e cars girls nights out new clothes etc does he know what hes going to do then

Am I not right in thinking you are disabled,in some cases a disability makes it imposible to work, in which case you are not a benefit bum imho.
 

and if that's the case then that's not what i consier to be a benefit bum. Whole different reason for asking for help.
My wife has chronic ME and is on incapacity benefit, James though is a perfectly fit, mentally alert 18 year old who doesn't want to contribute

[zippo]

Martin,

Thanks for the advice  

Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do  lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.

James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.

he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work  

iam a benefit bum and its no fun atall what happens when his mates start to earn i.e cars girls nights out new clothes etc does he know what hes going to do then

Am I not right in thinking you are disabled,in some cases a disability makes it imposible to work, in which case you are not a benefit bum imho.
 

and if that's the case then that's not what i consier to be a benefit bum. Whole different reason for asking for help.
My wife has chronic ME and is on incapacity benefit, James though is a perfectly fit, mentally alert 18 year old who doesn't want to contribute

iam disabled it took years to admit it but i hate living on benefits what i was trying to say was thatits not a life and i cant think of anything worse than being at home all day it sends me mad

[Vamps]

Martin,

Thanks for the advice  

Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do  lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.

James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.

he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work  

iam a benefit bum and its no fun atall what happens when his mates start to earn i.e cars girls nights out new clothes etc does he know what hes going to do then

Am I not right in thinking you are disabled,in some cases a disability makes it imposible to work, in which case you are not a benefit bum imho.
 

and if that's the case then that's not what i consier to be a benefit bum. Whole different reason for asking for help.
My wife has chronic ME and is on incapacity benefit, James though is a perfectly fit, mentally alert 18 year old who doesn't want to contribute

iam disabled it took years to admit it but i hate living on benefits what i was trying to say was thatits not a life and i cant think of anything worse than being at home all day it sends me mad

I understand, it took me 4 years Macmillan nurses and a psychologist and GP to get me to admit it, felt much better afterwards, lucky though I am still working, though Job changed a bit but now busier than I ever was. Mind if I lived in a council house I might have retired, and then gone back to work. Took 6 years to get my HGV and PSV licences back, 5 months to apply and they did not even contact my GP or consultant whom they blamed for the delay.

[zippo]

Martin,

Thanks for the advice  

Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do  lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.

James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.

he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work  

iam a benefit bum and its no fun atall what happens when his mates start to earn i.e cars girls nights out new clothes etc does he know what hes going to do then

Am I not right in thinking you are disabled,in some cases a disability makes it imposible to work, in which case you are not a benefit bum imho.
 

and if that's the case then that's not what i consier to be a benefit bum. Whole different reason for asking for help.
My wife has chronic ME and is on incapacity benefit, James though is a perfectly fit, mentally alert 18 year old who doesn't want to contribute

iam disabled it took years to admit it but i hate living on benefits what i was trying to say was thatits not a life and i cant think of anything worse than being at home all day it sends me mad

I understand, it took me 4 years Macmillan nurses and a psychologist and GP to get me to admit it, felt much better afterwards, lucky though I am still working, though Job changed a bit but now busier than I ever was. Mind if I lived in a council house I might have retired, and then gone back to work. Took 6 years to get my HGV and PSV licences back, 5 months to apply and they did not even contact my GP or consultant whom they blamed for the delay.

why did it take that long, was that after the 4 years

[hotel21]

Martin,

Thanks for the advice  

Maslow's is something i am very aware of, i do  lot of my training based around this and you are right it is good when understood.

James (stepson) has self esteem and confidence, the problem seems to be motivation.
He doesn't seem to have a driver, we have tried everything from reward to encouragement and as far as financial.
I have always made him feel like he is part of our family, i seldom refer to him as my stepson, and my daughter is treated no differently (and that comes from friends as well).
James feels that the world owes him a favour, and he is cashing it in now, the favour is he wants the money without the job, so i suppose if he has a driver it is maximum money, minimal effort.
Now this goes against everything i have ever worked for or believe in, in an ideal world those who can work and the then support those who can't (idealistic i know) when the time comes that you cannot work you then have the other supporting you and so on.
Basically he wants to be a benefit bum, now i have a major issue with that as he is perfectly able to work, as you can see this is one of the key flash points that cannot be overcome.
He also wants to be treated like an adult, something i am happy to do, but that comes with the expectation that he will behave like one, again, another clash.
I don't patronise him, but he feels that we are holding him back, yet he has as much freedom as he likes, so long as he gets himself a job.

he has been back tonight trying to talk my wife into persuading me to relent on this, when she said no he got nasty again, so it looks like i am going to have to go home tomorrow and sort this out, and so lose a weeks work  

iam a benefit bum and its no fun atall what happens when his mates start to earn i.e cars girls nights out new clothes etc does he know what hes going to do then

Am I not right in thinking you are disabled,in some cases a disability makes it imposible to work, in which case you are not a benefit bum imho.
 

and if that's the case then that's not what i consier to be a benefit bum. Whole different reason for asking for help.
My wife has chronic ME and is on incapacity benefit, James though is a perfectly fit, mentally alert 18 year old who doesn't want to contribute

iam disabled it took years to admit it but i hate living on benefits what i was trying to say was thatits not a life and i cant think of anything worse than being at home all day it sends me mad

I understand, it took me 4 years Macmillan nurses and a psychologist and GP to get me to admit it, felt much better afterwards, lucky though I am still working, though Job changed a bit but now busier than I ever was. Mind if I lived in a council house I might have retired, and then gone back to work. Took 6 years to get my HGV and PSV licences back, 5 months to apply and they did not even contact my GP or consultant whom they blamed for the delay.

sounds so familiar....  My lot are blaming DVLA for the holdup for my heart condition and not being allowed to return to work meantime....

Rowlocks, is what I say....     [smiley=angry.gif]

[Vamps]

My illness, Lung Cancer, carries a standard none driving time, OK with a car and bike though.

[zippo]

My illness, Lung Cancer, carries a standard none driving time, OK with a car and bike though.

dont know what to say mate

[Jay w]

iam disabled it took years to admit it but i hate living on benefits what i was trying to say was thatits not a life and i cant think of anything worse than being at home all day it sends me mad

Honestly mate i would never label someone that need benefts as a bum, sorry if i offended  

[hotel21]

My illness, Lung Cancer, carries a standard none driving time, OK with a car and bike though.

Its my LGV and PCV licences that are in the wringer meantime.  And some uneducated ringpiece in upper management at my work says that the same medical criteria apply to blues and twos driving.  Despite being pressed in the extreme to quote statutes, is unable to do so and open warfare is almost announced....

Chin up.  Life is now challenges to be overcome, not problems to stop you....